Happy Birthday

Today I turn 66 years old! It will be an interesting day! Working in a few hours then trying once again to get weekly groceries from stores that have been picked clean from people who have no idea on how to live without eating out etc. These strange people do not know how to actually interact with their own family. It is like they are being sent to prison. We are in a health crises with Covid-19 and as of yesterday, the President of the US declared a national emergency. People are buying toilet paper like they have never used it before. There is no anti-bacterial solution to be found but actually plenty of good old fashioned soap. Since our house knows how to cook from scratch no matter the ingredients, I can’t wait to see what is left for us to make a meal out of. We are health care professionals who will not have the luxury of working “remote” or quarantined inside our house.

But today I turn 66. Wonder if any of my so called family will bother to call. Not one of them called to wish my husband happy birthday last month. NOT ONE!!! No call, no text, not even a Facebook acknowledgement. Son and husband have already given me birthday wishes and I know daughter and granddaughter will call and we will FaceTime later.

Very strange birthday this year!

Inspirational Sunday - Two Sides to Every Story

I am resurrecting the Inspirational Sunday series. I feel the need to blog again and release my thoughts.

I figured I would start today with 'Two Sides To Every Story'. Yes, there is a reason why I chose this subject. I am hoping this will be cathartic for me.

Have you ever been blind sided by a story someone has told a loved one of yours and said story isn't completely true? I have and unfortunately not just once. I have mentioned my past and the problems being the scapegoat of an emotionally and physically abusive narcissistic father. It is a pattern that continues to this day in my family. My father taught a few of my siblings well. They passed on their stories to my daughter and couldn't wait to impart these stories. 

As in the case of stories, there is always two sides to that story. My one sister was 7 years younger than me and her memories persist in her knowledge of my always sleeping and she was unable to do her chores because I was sleeping. Well, she neglected to always state why I was sleeping during the day: I worked nights and wouldn't get off work until 7:30am but would need to be back to work by 3:00pm. I was a nurse aide in two different nursing homes and would work double shifts on weekends and full time while going to college during the week. So between 8am and 2pm I would sleep. I soon learned it was impossible to do while living at home so I got my own apartment. Did my sister ever bother finding out the real truth? Nope, she persisted in perpetuating this half truth and still persists in telling this story to this day, almost 50 years later. Yes, she is as narcissistic as my father. So while she was right, I was sleeping from 8am to 2pm and she was right in that I was out all night. What wasn't told was the fact that I was working. I wasn't out partying. She always neglects that part. To her I was a party girl.

But this story involves my daughter and her mother-in-law. Daughter thinks that her mother-in-law is naive and doesn't realize that the things she does or says are not right. I have always thought differently. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts on her mother-in-law are skewed by my past and I am just not trusting enough. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt numerous times until I finally just gave up. She would systematically undermine me at every step.

My breaking point with this person came this year. I have been physically sick since last November with post-menopausal mastitis with a huge scare that it was breast cancer back. I was on a 2 week course of pretty strong antibiotics at least once a month since November. The end of April I had yet another round of mastitis and went back on the antibiotics (almost 2 weeks earlier than normal). This time I was 7 days into the 14 day course when I started a systemic reaction of a major yeast infection especially in my mouth. I added in a strong probiotic and a fungal medication for that. Within a few days my body shut down. I developed acute pancreatitis. My blood pressure shot up. I basically curled into a ball and just didn't eat (I did drink water) and didn't leave my bed or room. I was like that for a solid 3 months. I remember very little of this time and functioned more like a robot.

How does this illness relate to daughter's mother-in-law? Easy. This person's sister had a kidney transplant this year and daughter's mother-in-law (I will refer to as N from now on), would call me for explanations of all the medical issues that was going on (but if it wasn't that it was always something else). These phone calls came at least 3-4 times a week and never during a time I really had time to talk (she is older and has retired but I am younger and still working full time) but I sucked it up for N because I knew she was worried about her sister.

Then I got sick and was barely functioning. N called me the day after Mother's Day to tell me that my daughter started calling her 'mother' and that my daughter and her son and my only granddaughter called her for Mother's Day .... and she just went on and on and on and on with all the kids do for her. Not something to tell a sick person, and especially one that has problems with the fact that N sees the kids at least every other month with either the kids flying her in (she says) or them coming here and staying with her exclusively and spending very little time with the other grandparents (us). Everything is always with her and son-in-law's side of the family. To me it was the end all. I contained myself though until she brought up her deceased son and started praising him as if he was a saint, I lost it. 

This son was not a saint. This son was a menopause oops to 2 full time working parents who were barely talking to each other. This child was left to raise himself. It is no shock at least to me that this kid was into alcohol and drugs from grammar school on. I will admit I have always had a problem with this kid (he was rude and inconsiderate and full of foul nasty language). He was higher than a kite the day he stood up as a groomsman in the wedding of his brother to my daughter. He only graduated from high school after his parents put him into the special needs classes (supposedly diagnosed as a schizophrenic and bipolar with some ADHD thrown in but wouldn't take his medication). I say supposedly he was all that but it didn't come out until after he died (I think as a justification in their minds). Anyway, N started in on me that her son would have been a 'perfect' angel if we had only done his foot surgery that he needed. I had about enough and wanted the conversation to end. Note I was in severe pain so I said that we would never have done surgery on him. He was over 18 and didn't want surgery and blatantly told us he would only do the surgery if we gave him good drugs and kept him supplied with said drugs. We said no. I know N has been told this many times but suddenly it became a bad thing that day. I honestly have no idea what I said to her but all I really wanted was to get her off the phone so I could go to the bathroom and throw up. 

N is heavy into the adoration Facebook gives her. She loved posting this type of thing on Facebook. I went to hide her because I was frankly sick of this behavior and I think I unfriended her. No biggie to me. Well it was to her. I never told daughter because I didn't even let daughter know how sick I was. (I didn't know if I would survive either and even at some point made out a will of personal things and planned my whole funeral so I must have known subconsciously I was pretty sick). Then when I had just started feeling better the beginning of June, I learned N was out visiting the kids once again. Daughter never told me. I basically told daughter that since she preferred seeing N and that family more than she wanted to see me, that I had had it and didn't want to see her again unless she devoted as much time with her parents as she did N. I think N picked up on that and decided to 'tell' her son and my daughter what I had said about the son she lost but in reality I don't know when she told them her side of the story, just that it happened before daughter came home because I couldn't visit them in October.

This has caused an estrangement since between daughter and I. I have no idea what daughter and son-in-law were told. I only know that I was very distinctly told I was never ever to mention the son's name ever again. I didn't even bother to tell my side of any story. Daughter wasn't interested. I have my thoughts but again I don't know for sure. But I would hazard a guess that N was livid that daughter and granddaughter chose to see me everyday and was not allowed to make any plans for her or her family. I know that would have pissed her off.

It has been a few weeks now since this all blew up. I try to remember every day to not make a decision based solely on what one person has said. I was reading Proverbs the other day and was reading this: Proverbs 18:17 "The first one to plead his case seems right, Until his neighbor comes and examines him." Every story seems right until you hear the other side. As with my sister. According to her all I did was interfere with her plans because I was sleeping because I was out all night. My story was I was working nights and only had 6 hours to sleep before I worked another 16 hours. There are times when listening to someone's story that you become angry at the injustice of the story and the wrongs committed against the person telling the story. You begin developing sympathy to the story-teller and against the supposed wrong-doer. But how foolish would this be? You need to hear the other side of the story. Until then you only have one side of a story that always has 2 sides. Never ever act after hearing just one side.

N is a social butterfly addicted to adoration. She loves to talk about other people. But we should be careful to not form conclusions based on those words and to treat everybody with the love of God without being partial or passing judgement. 

Every story has two sides. Do not act when you hear just one side. Pray instead for wisdom to hear all facts and never judge another. That other person is as human as you are and it is not for you to judge Psalms 130:3 "If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?" Be forgiving of others. Matthew 7:1 "Judge not, that you be not judged." 

I know it is hard. I am still struggling. I refuse to rebut N until daughter gives me the benefit of the doubt or actually asks what I said. I pray that I raised her right and someday she will see. I hope I am still alive to see the day but it is N and my daughter who have to greet God for what they did on judgement day. I have my own things to worry about. 

Wedding Invitations

Just got a wedding invitation in the mail today. It was postmarked the 21st of September - received today 9-24-19 and RSVP is needed by 9-15-19.

Do you think this is a message they don't really want us there? The invitation looks like the one above. Is that the way people are doing things nowadays? It looks like an announcement. (NOTE that is a sample of an invite I got off the internet and not the actual invitation and I have no idea who the people are named in that invite)

Not going anyway - it is the groom's 2nd marriage which sister finally acknowledged he got married when she went to hold a gift card shower for them a year after they got married. Never got a thank you from that "shower". I like the girl nephew is marrying - no clue what she sees in him or that family.

Acute Pancreatitis

I am not going to say I am updating again. Everything continues. Updating means something is new.

I am slowly getting better with the word SLOW as the operative word. I am now down 40 pounds. I can tolerate jello, banana, and chicken noodle soup and sometimes a cracker or two. I have acute pancreatitis caused from a medication reaction which shut down my pancreas. I went almost 2 and a half months nothing by mouth except water. I have been slowly adding the above to get to last week. I tried to skip a few steps while keeping to a non-fat diet but my body said nope not going to let you do that. I tried a grilled turkey - nope. Tried regular potato - nope. Tried non-fat yogurt - nope. Tried a roast cooked in the pressure cooker with steamed potatoes and carrots - nope.

So far have tolerated steamed or grilled chicken breast (1 ounce max), 3 slices of steamed sweet potato, and a handful of either Italian green beans, carrots, or asparagus (all steamed of course with no seasoning or condiments). Just plain old steamed food like the plate above shows. So far have coasted with that once a day and the other the rest of the day. Oh and I added CBD oil to my diet - it has been amazing to be able to think and function again without pain and nausea.

Now don't get me wrong. The good thing of all this is I am losing weight without even trying. And that plate above? Looks amazing to me. Totally filling too! Times are a'changin'

Updating - 2 months later

Everything is still ongoing from April.

New items to add to the list:

Son-in-law is slowly disrupting relationships between her parents (us) and our daughter and grand-daughter. I firmly believe he is narcissistic.

Son-in-law's mother is even more narcissistic than her son is.

Being sick sucks. It sucks donkey balls. I haven't felt good since December. It is getting worse. One week ago it got a lot worse. I am down 15 pounds and although I know why, I can't stop the nausea or vomiting.

Doctors suck donkey balls too. Except my husband. Okay sometimes he does.

People suck donkey balls.

Definitely need to change my life and replace all the negativity to more positive people and things and life and thoughts.

Out with the old and on to the new!

Updating once again

It's been 4 months since I published anything here. That doesn't mean my life has become so exciting and busy that I haven't had time.

It also doesn't mean I don't have things to say because I do.

It's more how to say what needs to be said and yet still have a daughter and granddaughter.

It's more how to deal with a son-in-law who is slowly killing my daughter and granddaughter.

It's more on how to cope with an overbearing foul mouthed woman who married my father and thinks her input is needed for anything and everything.

It's more on turning 65 and yet I still allow others to dictate what I do when.

I am still growing up. There are days my life totally sucks. There are days my life is totally fulfilling. I need to find a way to have more of the fulfilling days and not the ones that suck.

I will write more. I need the outlet.

Christmas Holidays - Crapelletti - Bah Humbug

So nothing has changed. As soon as daughter got engaged, her husband and his mother have taken over. Our tradition of spending Easter and Mother's Day with my parents was rudely turned into a "Surprise Engagement Party" for her son and our daughter and his mother invited their entire family and gifts were brought and hubby and I were expected to pay for it all. Hubby put his foot down to daughter and forced his parents to pay for their side. But his sister showed up almost 2 hours late sending my father into a hissy fit. Lovely time.

It didn't end there. MOG wore white to the wedding and showed up 10 minutes late. Still didn't end there. Soon all holidays were spent at his mother's house. All holidays are controlled by him and his mother - food, etc. Our tradition of Cappelletti with hubby's side of the family is nicknamed "crapelletti" and he wants no part in making or eating them. Instead he would rather have dinners, etc that are catered or take out or cranberry sauce from a can. Soooooo different than how either hubby or I or our kids were raised.

Once our daughter got pregnant, it was his mother that spent the entire day at the hospital with her son and our daughter when she went into labor. It was his mother who got to see our only grandchild and daughter first. We were totally forgotten about until daughter was already having a c-section. THEN we were called and told. The baptism party was at her house. My side of the family was made to feel like outsiders. Supposedly my grandchild was to wear what my great-grandmother made for my grandmother which she wore when she was baptized, what my mother wore when she was baptized, what I wore when I was baptized, and what daughter wore when she was baptized. I have no pictures of granddaughter in that dress. I swear she wasn't allowed to wear it otherwise why isn't there a picture of it?

All holidays are his mothers. She retired and took care of granddaughter while daughter worked. We got a few hours maybe once a week or month. We still forged a relationship with our granddaughter. That is, until they moved to Colorado.

Yes, son-in-law moved our daughter and granddaughter to CO to be near whose friends? Not daughter's but his. Daughter has no friends out there. In order to move, she has to change jobs from one she loved to one she hates. In fact she hates it so much that she has developed an ulcer from trying to please him. Now they have been there since the beginning of August. His mother has been out there to visit 3 times. We went out once. They came home for Thanksgiving. They stayed at his mother's house where his mother got to see grandchild for all 10 days. How much time were we allowed? 2 hours on 2 different evenings and then we were forced to change out Thanksgiving plans to spend it at his mother's house. Conveniently family pictures were taken AFTER we left. Then there was a family wedding.

When we were out in CO, we took a full extra suitcase filled with granddaughter's fairy garden. I have another suitcase of things to take but we forgot it. Son-in-law refuses for us to bring it to her or send it. He stated bluntly it would go in the garbage. I flipped back at him that if he really couldn't tolerate anything from us for his child to send it back to us, that we spent over a couple of grand on that and his daughter hand picked out everything with us. He shut up then. Still not allowed to send anything out.

So today I find out his mother was given a ticket to fly to CO and watch grandchild for New Year's Eve for a week so they can go out and take a mini vacation. It is already bad enough that granddaughter asks us why we don't call every other day (we are relegated to calls every 3-4 weeks) and her "real" grandmother loves her more and says so. And she does. After one of her kids says I love you to her, she says I love you more. So to granddaughter that grandmother loves her more. She buys her more, she visits more, she calls her more, and she is told she loves her more.

We are chopped liver.

Oh then the topper of it all? My father and his wife had their Christmas last Saturday. It was planned for a work day for us so we were an hour late. Do you think anyone would save us some food? Nope, Dressing that was horrible and a dried out piece of turkey was all that was left. We left and went to our favorite chicken takeout place. Oh and did I mention that one of my sisters kindly shared the flu with us?

So is this what "empty nesting" is all about? I thought when a daughter married you gained a son. I didn't. I lost a daughter and my only grandchild. His mother has 3 other grandchildren but she feels a competition with me over my only one.

Yes, I am angry, upset, and know I should be grateful. But I am facing a bilateral mastectomy and I need my daughter that is gone.

Thank goodness I have my husband, my son, and God.