Pure Chaos and Exhaustion

Tomorrow is supposed to be my 31st wedding anniversary. Husband has golf in the am, office hours in the pm, then a dinner meeting at night. Some anniversary but typical of the type of day we have been having for over 3 months now. Why do I feel then that I am not the most important thing? Is it because of all the chaos from last week? I don't know. He can't not go to his weekly golf nor can he not see the patients for the afternoon and he has to go to the dinner meeting as it is mandatory.

Every other year we have taken turns planning our weekend away for our anniversary. Last year I did the planning. This year it was hubs turn. Who ended up doing it? Me. So this weekend we are supposed to be going away to celebrate said anniversary. Why do I not want to go? Maybe it's knowing that I will be spending money I don't have. And maybe it is still the leftover crap from last week.

All I do know is that I still do not want to talk to anyone and I still have not processed anything. I still feel chaotic and exhausted. I don't feel I have to defend my decisions I made as an office manager. I just want others to trust me and trust that I do know what I am doing and there is a reason I did what I did.

And right now, I just want to be left alone. In peace. In solitude. At least until I can recover. I just want to sleep and bury my head and not handle anything else, especially the total miscommunication from last week. I am burnt out but have to keep going. But I can't. I have taxes to do. I have things to do. I have a newsletter to write. I have laundry to do again. I have to take inlaws to doctors all day Thursday. So I keep plodding away but playing my music which has always soothed me.

I keep going. I am afraid of what will happen if I stop. Just bear with me until I can handle what was thrown at me. I need to find my silence within first.

Inspirational Sunday - Love and Respect

Love and respect are the main foundations of any marriage. We all know and recognize that. If there is an imbalance with either of those, the marriage falters.

Now let's throw in working with your spouse into the equation.

Now let's add in another office into the mix in which you and your spouse were already working over 40 hours per week with 3 offices and increase that to working 6 days a week with 12-14 hour days plus an office that has no cash flow yet and you are spending over $4000.00 per month extra supporting said office and dipping into your dwindling savings to do it.

Now let's add in losing a car in a flood and needing to purchase another one and dipping into that dwindling savings to do it.

Now let's add the death of your mother a mere 4 months ago that no matter the amount of time, you are still not over the emotional impact yet.

Now let's add 6 right ankle surgeries with the last one done in May and I am just starting to walk but still with a lot of pain plus a left knee surgery mid-July for a torn meniscus and doing more walking on it than it should at this point and having your knee and ankle swell to the point it is double its size let alone the pain that accompanies said swelling.

Now let's add a phone call from your father-in-law's caretaker that your father-in-law is passing out (same thing that happened not 4 months ago with your own mother). Now let's add said father-in-law with severe dementia into the equation with a mother-in-law's health condition of 4 strokes and diminished capacity and seeing an inability to walk more than 100 feet without losing her breath and having leg cramps. Then add their doctor who improperly discharged them both from her care and I have to admit father-in-law to the hospital with the doctor on staff not ever knowing they had been discharged from their primary doctor's practice and were never sent a letter and I have to start all over with a new doctor.

Now let's add needing to be with father-in-law and mother-in-law almost 10 hours a day (remember the dementia factor - he repeats the questions every 1-2 minutes) along with not having a car with air conditioning to drive the hour out to the hospital and I hot flash the entire way.

Now let's add shopping for another car in the one hour you have left before the car dealership ends at the end of this day and this has to be done before you are even allowed to have your only meal of the day because you have been too busy doing the repeat questions and caring for both inlaws.

Now let's add trying to get your weekly laundry done with absolutely no towels clean in the house so you are doing 1-2 loads per night and paying a few bills that needed to be paid.

Now let's add being able to sleep no more than 4 hours a night.

So last week I was handling the extra physical and mental load every day. Now it is Wednesday morning when I got to even look at the box of charts and bills from the office that was sent home the day before. Then find one of the bills was $600 over what they had told you they were spending so you know you are now short in your account and have to transfer more money over to cover the bills you wrote the day before. Yes, I might have been a bit abrupt with my employee about the extra money spent without authorization but when she offered to have her paycheck held until cash flow was better, I told her no, she would be paid. I then got a phone call from the hospital with the doctor wanting me out there pronto. So instead of having time to sort through charts for another employee to do, I left immediately for the hospital, cancelling my own doctor's appointment for that afternoon knowing I probably would not get my medications by Monday refilled.

So on Wednesday, I spend 10 hours driving to the hospital, discharging father-in-law, getting him settled back into his dementia home, then picking up things my mother-in-law needed, then getting her back to her home. I came home and totally and completely collapsed. I was emotionally and physically drained. But, instead of finding a supportive husband (after all these are his parents), I found an irate angry husband who lambasted me over what I had NOT done for the office and this was according to our employees. I blew up and just went to bed. I couldn't deal with anything.

Thursday brought me arranging the car we had put a deposit on Tuesday evening to be inspected by our mechanic which ran me late for the office. I called to make sure there were 2 employees there or that the one employee could handle it and explained I would be there as soon as possible. After spending 6 hours running around between the mechanic and the car dealership, we finally had a car. I dropped off our spare car back to the mechanic to fix an oil light that wouldn't shut off knowing I might have to hold off doing any repairs because of cash flow. I went home and got the box of charts that needed to be done and went to the office. Instead of finding employees working, they were leaving. It seems that the last 2 patients had cancelled. So instead of getting work done, everyone went home. No, I had not been told there was a change in schedule. So I went home and called and arranged different dates with brother-in-law that would be okay for him to be with my husband and myself to take father-in-law into the doctor to discuss a DNR. Then I started working on seeing exactly how much this new 4th office actually owed me. Husband was still harping on me what things I had not done supposedly told to him by our employees.

Friday brought me going to my own doctor appointment not once but 3 different times (it seems 9 months ago was a very busy time and my appointment was postponed for him to deliver a baby twice). Note this involved a 30 minute drive one way to the only office I could go to since I had to have my own medicine renewed by Monday. So I made that 30 minute drive 6 times. I finally got to see the doctor and at least that was over for another year. I then started calling doctors and coordinating schedules for father-in-law and mother-in-law's appointments to be done within a week (did I mention that 3 of mother-in-law's medications were rescinded from their former primary care doctor so now I needed to get her in to see someone new within the week too?). Husband was still harping on what I had not done and now how employees were threatening to quit. I could not cope with anything anyone was saying. My brain was not working. So I took a pain pill and went to bed. Coping was not in my vocabulary yet. Would it have been in yours?

So what went wrong? I have been wracking my brain with what happened this past week. I know I am not alone in having life hit you from all sides. Was I coping? I thought I had been to the best of what I could do. But I was a caretaker this week. The general problem with caregivers is that we have other obligations too apart from taking care of our loved ones. So it is very important for caregivers, the family of caregivers and even the one being cared for to open their eyes and be aware of a caregiver burnout. It is equally important for the caregiver to take care of himself if he/she so badly wants to take care of his/her loved ones. That I didn't do. My thoughts were totally wrapped into the emotional and physical pain of possibly losing my father-in-law so close to losing my mother and seeing the health of my mother-in-law deteriorating and being in physical pain. I thought I was coping with home life by making sure the car was purchased and laundry was done.

It wasn't until today and after 2 nights of sleeping 12 hours that I was able to process what happened. While I did not cope or handle everything that was thrown at me, I also didn't have any support from my employees who instead of waiting or asking what they could do for me to help, lashed out at my husband who in turn instead of explaining I didn't have time to send them things, told them something that was no longer being done (he had forgotten), so they in turn are now angry at me, and husband came home lashing out at me for all these supposed sins I had committed.

And most important, instead of my husband recognizing how burnt out I was emotionally and physically, he lashed out every night at me for sins I had not committed unless you call not having time to do things a sin. I don't happen to.

The lesson then I have learned this week is that the load I am carrying is way too much to handle. The other most important lesson was communication. There was a total breakdown of that between me, my husband, and my employees. Everyone blamed me for what I still don't understand. I reacted to what I was told. Honestly though I don't know if I would have handled it any different in the same situation. That is my burden and what I have to work on. And I will with the help of God. He will show me the way. I am handing it over to him as I don't have an answer except to quit working for my husband. Obviously according to him and my employees I am a bitch and not doing my job.

In the beginning I posted this: Love and respect are the main foundations of any marriage. If there is an imbalance with either of those, the marriage falters. Right now after the events of this last week, our marriage is faltering. I don't have an answer for that either. Hopefully with the help of God and communication, it will fall back into place but it won't happen overnight. Too many things were said. But right now, the most important we are doing is never allowing work and others to separate us.

All I do know is that I have made it this far. I need to keep going. God will help me see the sun rise on a beautiful new day and help me find my inner peace again. I just need to be patient to learn the lesson He is trying to teach me this past week.

Working with your spouse - Having 2 employers

First I will talk about working with your spouse. I was asked to do a lecture on this subject. I had kept the topic to only good but during the question and answer period I ended up giving up some of the bad too.

Hubs and I actually work well together 90% of the time. I anticipate his needs and we work seamlessly. But....yeah always a but. There are just some things that annoy me about working with him. I am sure though he doesn't have one bad thing to say about me unless we count the number of times he's fired me. But then doesn't one have to counter those times with the number of times I have walked out or quit or told him to stuff it 'you know where' or 'do it yourself can't you see I am busy'?

Most of the lecture I gave I already have done on another lecture: How to work with difficult people. Who is the most difficult person in any arena? The person who knows you the best - your spouse.

I tell managers that instead of looking for advice to improve the working relationships in the office, look in the mirror. Yep, look in the mirror. The reason why? You can't change the other person no matter what you do. So instead your goal is simple: How do I get what I need without conflict or internalizing it so my blood pressure goes up or don't go postal?

In every aspect of life we encounter others with clashing personality types. Instead of focusing on the other person's 'faults', you instead focus on their behavior and the results of those behaviors. When you do that, you will see ways to improve both the relationship and the result.

I have 3 rules I strictly enforce when we work together:

1. Be nice to each other and treat each other with the same or higher courtesy than you do all the other employees or colleagues. Yes this means you will have to compromise on some issues. Learn to pick your battles. This also means you have to be polite and courteous to each other even if you want to rip their insides out. You have to hold the ripping until you get back home.

2. Be sure to set business and free time boundaries. When you work with your spouse, it is impossible to leave it at the office, especially us since we bring home work. So we set up times it is appropriate to ask me something about the office. When I am heading to bed is not the time. When I am reading a book is not the time. Hubs has more of a problem with setting things aside than I do. I try to anticipate his needs and questions but I also let him know when he is being unreasonable. I started setting up an hour he gets to discuss whatever he needs or wants to get off his chest or things extra he wants me to do. In that hour, I also get time to do the same for him. I try to do it once a week. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Remember when you had wee ones and you went out for the 1st time without child and tried to set up rules that you are not going to talk about baby at all? Yeah didn't work. Talking about work at home is the same. Keeping the 2 totally separate doesn't always work and definitely doesn't always work in my household. A little tip: I found the more I allowed us to talk at home, the less we actually did. Also diversion is good and it is easy to divert a male's attention.

3. Be an individual. I happen to think this one is the most important. You work, eat, sleep and are together 24/7/365. So you and your husband need to have your own personal interests away from each other. Each of you needs to get a hobby or something you do with your own friends without the other and don't feel guilty if you don't do things together. Daughter and I have girls night out with a dinner and movie with other mothers and daughters. We have a blast. Hubs has golf and dinner outings and once a month his buddies all get together for a man's night out. Hubs also does things with our son (paintball, movies that he knows I would never watch).

The hardest part I have found though with working with your spouse is technically our employees have 2 bosses. We don't always agree. I laid down ground rules. There are some things that they definitely come straight to me about - billing, bills, payroll, supplies, office management. There are definitely some things that they only are to go to him about: medical management in the back, how patients are to be scheduled, how he likes the medical supplies set up, how he likes office surgeries to be set up, etc.

BUT.....lately I have been having a large problem with the employees lately - one is the main girl who is responsible for inputting all receipts and payments, doing statements and appeals to the insurance companies, taking phone calls from any of the offices that are closed, supply ordering, and getting each office their needs, reports, etc. She reports to me. The other girl only works at one of the 3 offices but gets more per hour than all 3 employees - she has been in the field longer. She used to do a lot of what I do so I handed a lot of what I did over to her including billing. But the 2 had a problem working with each other - the main girl was jealous of what I allowed the other girl do and felt slighted I didn't ask her. Both girls although 35 years in age apart, are moody. They are both good workers but when I have problems, boy do they escalate fast. It seems to happen when I am the busiest and they take over things they are not supposed to.

Take for instance this week: medical supply orders are to be approved by my husband before an order is placed. The main girl is then to call me with a total for approval and a check for the COD. I was told the order was around $1000.00. I planned and budgeted for $1000.00. I found out on Tuesday the amount was over $1800.00. That is not $1000.00. Plus I found out the order was not approved by my husband. Now note I was with father in law who was in the hospital so I was not working. Main girl took over. I reprimanded main girl for the amount of the order and for not getting husband's approval. She retaliated and told husband some of the things I haven't done but implied and gave him false information. When I got home from the hospital dealing with 2 dementia patients all day (his mother and father in law), husband confronted me with all my 'problems'. Now in this it seems both main girl and other girl worked together to come up with my 'faults'. I showed husband the facts and proved them wrong. I confronted main girl today. She called husband at another office and threatened to quit. Husband said nothing. I have no idea what she will do but right now, I actually don't really care. I am upset with both girls. It really makes me angry that the one girl was what I would have termed a friend prior to this would even join in on this crap.

My solution was to write both girls up. Right now morale is crappy and both are upset I think because I caught them doing something I have already written both up on before so this technically is their second write-up. Then they tried to 'solve' and give their sides and consistently rang my cell phone off while I was at a doctor's appointment. I refused to answer the calls. By the time I got home, they were both gone from work. My feeling? Let them stew all weekend. Maybe I will have calmed down by then.

So can you work with your spouse?

Recipe Thursday - Drunk Chicken

Drunk Chicken

1 3 lb chicken, cut up
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1 small container mushrooms, sliced
¼ cup butter, melted
3 tsp salt
¼ cup chopped parsley
1 cup dry white wine
¼ tsp pepper
½ tsp paprika
¼ cup finely chopped green onion

Place chicken skin side down in oblong pan (13x9x2). Blend other ingredients and pour over chicken. Cover with foil and bake for 1 hour in 325 degree oven. Remove foil and turn chicken skin side up and increase temperature to 375 degrees for 30 minutes. Baste 2 or 3 times. Increase temperature to 425 degrees for last 30 minutes. Baste the chicken a whole bunch while sipping the rest of the wine so make sure you get a really good dry white wine!

Book Review - Sarah's Key

Sorry - late again. This time had FIL back in the hospital with heart problems.


This is one of those books you won't put down once you start reading it so don't do what I did and start it if you have to be somewhere the next day.

Sarah's Key by Tatiana DeRosnay is an interesting book because it is a dual story told both in 1942 (Sarah's story) and 2002 (Julia's story and investigation into Sarah's story). The book begins in July of 1942 and is based on a piece of nasty French history that still to this day, many French do not know about. In July 1942, the French police rounded up thousands of Jewish families in what is now called the Vel' d Hiv' roundup. The French separated the men, shipped them off to the Auschwitz, then did the same with the women. The children were left for days before the word came down to ship them off to Auschwitz too.

As I said this is a dual story that begins with Sarah, a 10 year old Jewish girl who is arrested in Paris with her parents during this roundup. Sarah hides and locks her brother in a secret closet fully intending to come back and rescue him. Sarah's story alternates with that of Julia Jarmond, an American journalist who has lived in Paris for 25 years with her French husband and young daughter. She is asked to write an article for the 60th anniversary of this roundup for the magazine she works for. Through her investigation, she stumbles onto a trail of long-hidden family secrets that connect her to Sarah. Julia finds herself compelled to retrace the girl's ordeal, from that terrible term in the Vel' d'Hiv', to the camps, and beyond. As she probes into Sarah's past, she begins to question her own place in France, and to reevaluate her marriage and her life.

I thought I had pretty much read it all as far as Holocaust fiction goes until I read this book - it was excellent, if not just for the history but for the believable and touching character that is Julia Jarmond. She is so easy to relate to that it is difficult to resist getting caught up in her investigation of the round up and in her relationship with her husband. Ms. de Rosnay has managed to create two fabulous stories and wrap them up in one breathtaking book. Not only does the novel focus on a tragic story, it focuses on what happens when circumstances change.

The story alternates back and forth between past and present and Sarah and Julia until the middle of the book when Sarah's voice drops off. While this bothered many reviewers, I really enjoyed the movement from past to present because I think it really helps one understand people's thoughts on that part of history today. I will admit that in all the stories I have ever read about the Holocaust, I had never read about the French involvement. I enjoyed that she wrote it from an "outsiders" awe-struck perspective because I have often found myself feeling that same exact way when I read about these types of things that happened in the past, "How could anyone have let this happen? Why would they do that? "Why do some people refuse to believe this important part of history never happened?" The focus of the story is through the impact that Vel' d'Hiv' had, not the survivors, but on the by-standers and people who are at least one generation removed. Losing Sarah's voice at the midpoint I think helped to emphasize all that was lost and gave a living testament to all those who lost their voice during that roundup.

This book is a keeper. Thanks Cindy!

Pointing Fingers

Whomever you want to point fingers at - keep in mind that when your index finger is pointing at someone else, you have three pointing back at yourself.

I saw this quote on Facebook and OMG it is so true!

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung

Just thought I would share - in a thoughtful deep mood lately - might be the heat and pain in the knee and ankle or just the cosmos.

Inspirational Sunday - Moments You Reflect On

"There is only one journey. Going inside yourself."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

"Look within! ... The secret is inside you."
- Zen Buddhism

"An unexamined life is not worth living."
- Plato

Today's lesson in church was all about reflecting upon the moments or your life that have come together brick by brick to shape who you are. It kinda hit home because I have been in a reflective type mood since yesterday.

I don't remember every second of my life but there are ones that stand out:
- The birth of each of my brothers and sisters.
- The death of 7 of my brothers and sisters.
- The day I got a 'Dear John' letter and my hopes and dreams at that time were crushed.
- The day I woke up and realized that my 1st fiance was not all he measured up to be and the 'Dear John' letter was instead a blessing and this time I got to dump him.
- The day I graduated college and then passed the exam and got my RN.
- The day I learned what the shovel is used for on an ambulance.
- My first experience of a gang war in the ER, and the first time I lost a patient just after giving birth to her 1st child.
- The day I met the true love of my life, my husband then the day I married him.
- The day I found out I was pregnant and didn't have the flu.
- The birth of each child, all 4 of them.
- The death of 2 of my children.
- The day I learned I had cancer.
- The death of each of my relatives and friends.
- The Vietnam War which shaped my feelings and ideas through my friends who made it back only to never have their lives the same again, and to those who were lost either in the war or after.
- The day my daughter married and I saw the love on her face reflecting into his and his into hers.
- The day I fell and I learned to how to be humble and accept help when I needed it.
- The day my mother died.

There are so many things. Through each, good and bad though, I learned a lesson. Every day, every minute, every breath you take is truly a gift from God.

Therefore, my reflection today is that everything I have been through in this life must surely be here to give me a greater appreciation for what is to come. And those who know me, know I have never sat still and waited for life to happen. I am ready for my next adventure.

Recipe Thursday - Eggless, Milkless, Butterless Spice Cake

I got this recipe via email this past weekend - made it last night and it was really good. So good in fact that there was none left. Son got to it.

EGGLESS, MILKLESS, BUTTERLESS CAKE

1 cup brown sugar firmly packed
1 and 1/2 cup water
1/3 cup veg. oil
2 cups dark raisins
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 tsp water
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
nuts Optional (I did use 1/2 cup of chopped walnuts).

Combine sugar, water, oil, raisins, & spices in sauce pan and boil for 3 min, stirring frequently. Take off heat & cool for 10 min. Dissolve baking soda & salt in 2 tsp. of water and add to raisin mixture (it will foam). Blend in flour & baking powder. Mix well. Pour batter into greased 9" sq. pan & bake for 55 min. at 325' or until tooth pick in center comes out clean. Let cool for 10 minutes before serving - serves 10 to 12.

I made a simple powdered sugar icing - powder sugar mixed with water and a bit of vanilla then drizzled it on top.

Hint: To prevent raisins, dried fruit, or nuts from sinking to the bottom of the cake batter roll the fruit or nuts in flour before mixing in the cake batter!

Still Need a Good Used Car

This seems to be impossible. We have been through most of the car lots in our area and most are just not dealing. Son used to be a car salesman so he knows how much they are making on the back end. We allow them to make some money but most are not even coming close to what I have to spend. Plus one annoying habit car 'salespersons' tend to have: even though we tell them I am buying the car, they only speak to my husband or son. WHY? Do they think I am an idiot? If they keep it up after 5 minutes I just walk out. They want to be rude to me, I won't buy a car from them.

So the search continues...........meanwhile I am still without a 2nd car - well one with air conditioning and an old hot flashing lady driving an old car whose air conditioning doesn't work isn't pretty.

Book Review - Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

I started this almost 500 page book on a one evening, was half way the next night, and finished it last night - actually this morning.

I laughed. I cried. I celebrated. I bawled. It pulled at every single emotion in me. This is an absolute must read for everyone.

The story is about Tully and Kate who for thirty years, are BFF's (best friends forever). The story is about that friendship which like any other has its ups and downs. It is about survival and what one will do in the name of friendship.

Firefly Lane is for anyone who ever drank Boone’s Farm apple wine while listening to Abba or Fleetwood Mac. More than a coming-of-age novel, it’s the story of a generation of women who were both blessed and cursed by choices. It’s about promises and secrets and betrayals. And ultimately, about the one person who really, truly knows you---and knows what has the power to hurt you . . . and heal you. Firefly Lane is a story you’ll never forget . . . one you’ll want to pass on to your best friend.

The story also explores the relationship between a mother and daughter. From the author, Kristin Hannah:

Honestly, I believe that the mother-daughter relationship is magical, complex, potentially dangerous, profoundly powerful, and deeply transformative. To put it simply, all of us have this relationship, and in a very real way, "none of us comes out alive." We are all formed first as daughters and then tested as mothers. There's nothing like motherhood to make us reassess how we were as daughters. One of my favorite parts of Firefly Lane was the circle of Kate’s relationship with her mom. First we see her as an angry teen, slamming the door on her mother...and then later her own daughter does the same thing to her. There's a real symmetry in that, a truth that many of us have learned. I have often wished in the past few years that my mom were here to help me as I raised my own teenage son. As a girl, with my own mom, I thought I knew it all; now I know better. Somewhere, I know my mom is smiling.

It is also a book about love and the consistency of love - friendship love and the love between a man and a woman.
Again the author Kristin Hannah on this theme in an interview:

You're right, they each do continually question the reliability of love. For Kate, it's a self-esteem issue. She absolutely believes in love--she's grown up surrounded by it--but she constantly questions Johnny's commitment to her. I always felt that was largely because she felt like a moon to Tully's bright and shining sun. For Tully, she honestly doesn’t believe that true romantic love exists, and for all of her overblown ambition and belief in herself, she has been wounded by her mother's repeated abandonment. The result is that she feels she's unlovable.

After finishing it at 5:30am, I still could not sleep - the book remained with me. It made me look at my own life. It is a book about coming full circle in life with your own mother and friends and accepting any choice you have made and figuring out that you would do it all the same way again. You are at peace with who and what you have become. It made me look at how profoundly important we as women are to each other. It was only after I had pondered these things that I finally fell asleep.

Inspirational Sunday - Judging Others

Most of my blog topics come from things that either happen to me or things I see. This one is no different.

I have never ever said in any post or anything that I am either a Republican or a Democrat. I actually hate both words. There are parts of both parties that just make me so angry that I can't even speak. The part I can't stand? The people that sit in judgement on what they THINK you are and then determine WHAT they think you should think and then bombard you with that judgement.

In three words, blunt and absolute, Jesus commanded us, "Do not judge" (Matt. 7:1). But did he really mean that we should never judge others? He goes on to suggest that it's not the act of judging but the attitude with which we do it that God is most concerned about - "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged" (7:2).

Common sense tells us that if no one ever judged other people, there would be no real human community. In a sinful world, no community can exist for long where nobody is ever held accountable: no teacher would grade a student's performance; no citizen would sit on a jury or call a failed leader to account. And, when you come to think of it, nobody would ever forgive anyone for wrongs they had done; we only forgive people for what we blame them, and we blame them only after we have judged them.

When a person judges, they also form an opinion. But an opinion is not necessarily the same as a judgment. Opinions are often framed by our fears, pride, or ignorance. If all we had were human opinions, we might agree with those who say we should never judge. But opinions can be just as bad as judgements.

People ask me how as a devoted Christian can I allow another to say, have an abortion, or kill someone, or deny anyone who loves another a marriage license even if they are of the same gender. I say that I live my life with God in it. Would I do any of these things? No. But I can't speak for another. I say that before I can judge another I must not have any unconfessed sin in my life. If I have unconfessed sin in my life then I cannot judge. What is important is me. When I come before God at the end of time, it is not others God is judging, it is me - what I have done and not what others have done and it is me who is asking God for forgiveness of MY sins. Anyone else has to go before their own God to ask for forgiveness for their sins. It is not in my power to give supreme forgiveness to them.

Yet, as a person we can forgive others for things they have done to us. "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged" (7:2). So yes, while I can grant them forgiveness for what they have done to me, I cannot judge what they have done. That is for God to do. Jesus tells us plainly that if we judge others, we too will be judged. We are to leave judgment up to God alone.

I leave you with a few quotes:

"We evaluate others with a Godlike justice, but we want them to evaluate us with a Godlike compassion."
- Sydney J. Harris

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa

"Remember that I’m Human. Before you judge me or decide how you’ll deal with me, walk awhile in my shoes. If you do, I think you’ll find with more understanding we can meet in the middle and walk the rest of the way together."
- Eric Harvey and Steve Ventura: 'Walk Awhile in My Shoes'

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself."
- Wayne Dyer (Psychotherapist, Author and Speaker)

Caretaker Grief

It has been almost 4 months since my mother passed away. I usually talk to my father at least twice a week and one of the subjects he has always been able to talk to me about is his grief - caretaker grief, survivor grief, grief that he should have called 911 earlier than starting CPR, etc. I don't know if the reason he is more comfortable talking to me is that I was a hospice nurse or that I am more open to talking to him without judgement. I don't really care what the reason - I am just happy he has me and is comfortable to talk to me about what he is feeling.

My parents had been married for 57 years and while not all of them were nice and sweet, they were a normal dysfunctional couple. My mother had been sick for a few years prior to her death and my father had become her caretaker. I recognized the fact that she was a lot sicker than she let on to any of us but I don't think she allowed any other of my siblings to see that. To my father and I, her death was fast, a blessing, and an end to her suffering. To the rest of the family, I think their grief is mired in the guilt that they didn't see her that often or even call her once a week as I had done.

But each of us has our own grief and unresolved conflicts to deal with when someone close to us passes. Luckily my mother, father, and I resolved a lot of our differences a long time ago. My father is dealing with caretaker guilt - his whole day consisted of caring for my mother. He doesn't quite know how to fill that time yet but he is slowly coming to peace with that and getting out more and more and doing things he has wanted to do for a while but couldn't.

But I also recognize his grief is different than mine. She was his spouse. I was her daughter and had left home at 18. He took care of her even when she tried to fight him as he knew that was the disease and not really her. I am thankful he has me to talk to, and his faith to carry him on. Just the other day he mentioned he had been talking to someone he hasn't seen in over 59 years. For that I am thankful - he needs to talk about what he is feeling and thinking with someone close to his age and who has also been a caretaker and lost her spouse. Groups for grief are good. Thankfully he has started going.

Recipe Thursday - Sloppy Joes

Yeah - another day late but had a wake to attend last night.

This is a super simple homemade recipe that I played with years ago and finally perfected according to my children and husband who were are the pickiest people to cook for AND please.

2 pounds ground beef (again - I grind my own beef straight from a roast so it is very lean)
1 cup finely diced onion
2 cups ketchup (the critics prefer Heinz only)
4 tablespoons water
2 teaspoons mustard (the critics prefer plain French's)
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons vinegar (white works best)
1 tablespoon granulated sugar

Brown the beef and onion together. Drain if you didn't use lean beef. Add the remaining and simmer on low for 30 minutes. Put on bread, buns, or whatever you prefer. Now my kids preferred homemade chips with the sloppy joes. I thought they needed more veges so I compromised and made them chips and I steamed a zucchini, mushrooms, and carrots and then pureed them and put them in the sloppy joes. There is always more than one way to fool your children!

Family, Ankle, Knee, etc

Sorry I haven't been here. I attended a family reunion for my side of our family - 38 of us this year along with a cousin from TX. I knew this reunion would be hard but it started out a lot harder than normal: one of my sisters decided to send emails out in May for menu suggestions. Mine was sent to an email address that I no longer use - actually it is used for our cable only and I have repeatedly told my family not to use it anymore since I don't check it anymore. Last Wednesday I happened to check that email address and found 6 emails back and forth from members of my family discussing what they all wanted. Well, I couldn't eat one thing that was planned. So I wrote a protest email stating that the person who sent the email managed to get my proper email address to lamblast me on an email I had written about grief but couldn't find the proper email address for me just a mere 2 weeks later and instead deliberately left me out of things. I ended up just bringing my own food which my husband and son wanted to do too.

Now that was the start of the weekend. When we got there, said sister was in bed and only a few still up. We chatted a bit then went to bed. Have you ever seen a child who 'puts on an act' and makes sure he has an audience before either saying something or crying? Then keeps making sure others are seeing him cry? Well, that was my sister. I know we all grieve at our own rate and in our own time but come on.....that was all an act. It didn't go over well either. Then on top of it, my father was presented with a very expensive present that 2 of the family had absolutely no idea it was not only being given but also given in our names (then money was asked for to pay for it - I refused - sorry we don't have that kind of money to spend. On Sunday we cleaned up then drove to my dad's house to scatter my mom's ashes on her rose bushes and to go through her closets per my father's request. Yep said sister made a scene again stating this was the 3rd time she had done this this year. Even her daughters didn't know who she was talking about and when confronted, she backed down and said nothing. Things were brought to the living room to be sorted so I could participate (I barely managed being on crutches all weekend - there was no way I was going to climb stairs or try to walk around on my parent's thick carpeting). By this time both my knee and ankle were killing me anyway. So that all done, daughter and I headed home (hubs, son, and son-in-law had already left after lunch).

But I have to say that I don't understand my sister and if this is how she will be acting the rest of our lives, I don't want any part of it. My father is not a child and neither am I. I don't need a mother and she will never be mine although she tries to act like it. Funny thing is, even her kids say she is a different person now.

All I know is that I was exhausted after the weekend and both my knee and ankle hurt like the dickens. But another of my sisters picked up a bushel of peaches for me and 10 pounds of blueberries and I have been busy canning them this week along with working for sick employees. Oh and I dropped something on top of my foot of my bad ankle. It's all swollen and black and blue and hurts but no fractures thank goodness.

Book Review - Sundays at Tiffany's

Yet another one of those have to read in one sitting books. Sundays at Tiffany's is written by James Patterson and Gabrielle Charbonnett. I give it a 5 of 5.

Again, the inside cover excerpt:

AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
Jane Margaux is a lonely little girl. Her mother, the powerful head of a New York theater company, makes time for her only once a week, for their Sunday trip to admire jewelry at Tiffany's. Jane has only one friend: a handsome, comforting, funny man named Michael. He's perfect. But only she can see him. Michael can't stay forever, though. On Jane's eighth birthday he leaves, promising that she'll forget him soon. He was there to help her until she was old enough to manage on her own, and now there are other children who need his help.

AN UNEXPECTED LOVE
Years later, in her thirties, Jane is just as alone as she was as a child. And despite her own success as a playwright, she is even more trapped by her overbearing mother. Then she meets Michael again--as handsome, smart and perfect as she remembers him to be. But not even Michael knows the reason they've really been reunited.

AND AN UNFORGETTABLE TWIST
Sundays at Tiffany's is a heart-wrenching love story that surpasses all expectations of why these people have been brought together. With the breathtaking momentum and gripping emotional twists that have made James Patterson a bestseller all over the world, Sundays at Tiffany's takes an altogether fresh look at the timeless and transforming power of love.