My Angel Pin

Most of my friends and those who have seen me in person, know that I wear an angel pin on my shoulder. I don't know that you actually know the history of that pin.

The pin was given to me by someone that I met at my first cancer meeting almost 10 years ago. We just clicked as friends right off the bat. One day at one of the meetings and I was down, she presented me with an angel pin. It was to remind me that we are still part of the living and every time I felt down or a wee bit off, all I had to do was touch the pin and know that someone out there was thinking of me and taking care of me. My special friend lost her battle with cancer quite a few years ago. I had survivor's guilt for a while but would touch my angel and immediately feel comforted. The pin is always on me - sometimes pinned on my bra but it is always worn.

In the same way I have always just known to do something or say something, I knew that a prescription I had been given 3 years ago for a breast MRI needed to be done and now. I had it done December 31st and I got my results December 31st. I have a suspicious 3x3cm area with an uptake of the dye in the dead center of the lump. It is highly suggestive of cancer and a biopsy is recommended. Mine is scheduled for this Friday.

I have always been a fanatic about breast self exams but not a fan of mammograms. I am a very large breasted woman and frankly they hurt like h*e*double hockey stick. I have a dropped lymph node in my one breast so they always end up taking more than the normal views just to get this node in the picture (it's difficult since it is in the armpit area). I have fibrocystic disease on top of it so I would end up bruised and unable to move my arm for a few weeks. Nope - not a fan of mammograms. Every time I had a mammogram I would also end up having a breast ultrasound so a few years ago I waited for technology to catch up and got the prescription for the breast MRI.

People ask me if I am scared. I guess I already know what the results are going to be and since I have been through cancer and have survived once, I know the ropes. I am not afraid. One thing I learned: Once you know how to die, you know how to live. There are no finer words out there.

Now don't get me wrong - I still stop myself every once in a while and ask myself why I feel so sure this is breast cancer and that my decision would be a bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction. I think I am more comfortable knowing (like my aunt) that the cancer is gone and I can get back to living. I also hate having surgery. I would also refuse chemo and radiation. I keep checking though to make sure I am really reacting normally to this but again, I find myself calm and at peace.

Want to know what one of my biggest concerns was? That I will have to stop taking my bio-identical natural hormones. That was actually one of my first phone calls. But no, I do not have to stop taking my hormones since I am on the bio-identicals which protect one against getting cancer. Since breast cancer is formed probably 10+ years before it actually shows up on any test, that puts me in the time of my uterine cancer and all my hormonal issues I had going on for years prior. If anything, the bio-identicals prevented this new cancer from being larger than it is.

And I intend to fight it just as I did the uterine cancer. I will survive.

How Did You Find Me?

I always find it interesting how you found my blog - that's why I installed a meter to tell me.

Here are some of the keyword analysis:

1. Doodling: 73 (doodling circles, interpreting doodles name writing, flowers, hearts, eyes, stars, arrows, triangles, squares, what fire symbolizes in doodles, doodling joined circles, spirals, why do people doodle different things, doodling my own name, what do doodles say about you, what does doodling eyes say about me, doodling colours in corners of page, straight lines, infrmation on people who draw squares and doodle, shapes, boxes, flowers, eyes, your name, doodling, doodling on notes, writing my name in a dootle, spirals, spirals that go to the right)
Are people really this interested in doodling? Please - I will not analyze your doodles so please stop asking me to. Do it yourself! Also please learn to spell - I have no idea what a dootle is or a dootie is. And why do you want to know what I doodle?

2. Esterhazy cake 9
I am really going to have to make this cake.

3. Dirtiest places 65 (to go, in homes, worst places for germs, in school, in your life, to vivit, spots in the office, dirtiest public places, dirtiest place, magazines, dirtiest places to eat lunch, for viruses, on a college campus)
Now why am I not surprised that people want to know the dirty places? And exactly what is a vivit? Oh and I don't talk about dirty magazines that I read.

4. How to Text 101: 6
Glad to see there are others who were interested in this - it was Greek to me although I am getting better. I just need a larger keypad so I can actually see the letters without my trifocals.

5. It isn't how many breaths you take but: 41
Now this is a great quote, isn't it?

6. Beef base recipe: 7 (beef stew with wine and beef base recipe, how to use a beef base recipe, how to make beef tips with beef base recipe)
I love this recipe too. Haven't had any comments on it - so did you like it too?

7. Thunderstorm grey tamko: 2
OK I had absolutely no ideea what this was so I googled it myself just to see where I said it. Who knows - maybe my husband is right and I do have a touch of alzheimers. So here is what google said: It is the name of my new roofing material and the manufacturer. Glad I got that settled and relieved to know I am not losing it - at least not on this.

8. Tennis shoes: 5 (odor teenager, how to sanitize leather shoes from athlete foot fungus, how to clean a smelly shoe from sweaty feet, dead cells left on shoes, sanitizing shoes)
Our patients are always surprised that their prior doctors never told them this. I was kinda surprised more people don't think about how they wash their bodies every day yet put their clean feet into dirty shoes and think nothing of it.

9. Ankle: 10 (when can I walk after getting 2 screws in my ankle after all ligaments are torn, syndesmotic screw cast,syndesmotic screw walked on it, ruptured ankle ligament walked on for a month, MRI with screws in foot, recovery time for having wire and screws removed from ankle, my ankle pink cast, soft ankle cast, my ankle cast surgery, syndesmosis what happens if the screw breaks)
Okay, I did not have syndesmotic screws inserted in my foot. I had a newer technique done by a doctor that is up to date on the latest procedures. I suggest you do the same. I also suggest you talk to your doctor and not rely on information gotten off the internet. If your doctor will not talk to you, then get another.

10. Bird: 5 (folklore meaning of dead bird on window sill, yellow bird on my window and what does it mean, aggressive warbler attaching window, yellow bird tapping on window, bird tapping on the window and entering the house)
The yellow bird constantly tapping on my window freaked me out too but not as much as what I found on the internet. I chose to use the positive interpretation.

11. Taking off work: 1
I really talked about this? I ask because I seldom do it. This weekend I was supposed to be visiting friends. I had to cancel because of inlaws. I do kinda take the day off but this means that although I don't physically go to work, I always do my work at home to keep caught up. Today so far I have done the weekly deposit, did the closeout of the year, typed the W-2's, did the year end tax forms, typed a list of the code changes for the new year, balanced 5 accounts, did 4 loads of laundry, cleaned one oven, did the dishes, took down the curtains in the whole bottom level and washed and dried them then rehung them, went through the week's mail and sorted it, sent BIL the updated list of medications MIL is now taking along with the new appointment dates for MIL and FIL, and started making pea soup. But I didn't work at the office.

12. Pranks: 4 (college tent pranks, youth pranks, on college boys, pranks for youth groups)
**snicker** This is funny because I know lots of pranks and had lots of fun doing them.

13. Gastroenteritis: 1 (bulldogs)
I can only think that I mentioned gastroenteritis in one post and my precious grandchildren who happen to be bulldogs in another. But kudos to spelling gastroenteritis correct!

14: Sexy angel food cake: 1
I am really hoping this had something to do with the Dessert Personality Test because I don't know that I really would consider angel food cake sexy. I can firmly attest that it does not turn me on.

15. How to pick a doctor: 1
Now more of you should read what I wrote because you obviously don't know how to pick a good one.

16. Husband likes to watch doctor examine me: 1
**snicker** I really said this? You are kinda into kink, aren't you?

17: Debra tate ifriends: 1
Kinda curious how you found my blog using those words unless you picked up the Tate word (who is a friend of mine). But what is an ifriend? Is that new lingo?

18. Ann Vremont: 1
One really terrific person and writer. I highly recommend any of her books!

19. Dessert Personality: 1
This was a fun test.

20: Neighbour crazy snow parking space: 1
**snort** I was the crazy neighbor but it wasn't about a parking space.

Received in Email Answering Here

1. Name something you use in the shower? Shampoo

2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform? Jock strap

3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield? A crack

4. Name something a man might buy before a date? Never ever had a man buy anything I know of before a date with me. I just cared if they were clean.

5. What is another word for blemish? skin imperfection

6. Something you cook in the microwave? I warm foods. Never cook in the micro.

7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving? Baby Grand Piano

8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman? He's into cougars?

9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner? Sniffs your crotch.

10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for? Pregnancy Test (I agree)

11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for? Camping

12. Name a phrase with the word "home" in it? From my favorite person (Maxine): Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.

13. Name a sport where players lose teeth? Hockey

14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day? I am calling your parents.

15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying? Red eyes

16. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat? Big Bird (Agreeing here again)

17. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it? Undies

18. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it? Roll of Toilet Paper (agreeing again)

Received in Email

and so totally appropiate for today!

It's winter in Illinois

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Illinois

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Illinois

I'm frozen to the stinkin' ground!

Hot Buns - Like or Dislike?

For those of you thinking I am talking about the above - you are wrong!

I am talking about seats in cars that have seat warmers giving you hot buns. I would say another word but have to keep this halfway PG here but you all know what I was going to say.

Now why on earth would someone want one? Why would someone (namely hubs) feel the need to turn mine on? (The seat warmer - keep the mind clean here - it's hard I know). My husband knows how much I hot flash. I love love love cold weather. I have taken to wearing a coat lately but it is -30 wind chills so a fleece light jacket isn't out of the normal. Tonight I got into the car. Not only does hubs have the heat in the car jacked up to 80 **gasp** but he put my sear warmer on too. His does not work. Does he think that it will magically turn his on? Well, it won't. And I for one, hate hot buns.

Ok, I feel you are all laughing your rears off here and I have to admit there are a lot of sexual innuendos and double meanings but I am being sincere....ok ok for once. Ok ok.....then again maybe not.

Chicago - Winter - Snow - Cold

All go together. In fact they should be on either the ACT or SAT tests in comparisons as they go hand in hand. Anyone from Chicago knows that during fall, winter, or spring, there is always what is called "Chicago Weather" meaning it will change by the hour.

This past Friday to Saturday we had 15 inches of snow where I live. Tonight a blizzard warning with whiteout conditions is in effect for late tonight through noon Tuesday. According the the lovely meteorologists the snow is supposed to start this afternoon (haven't seen any yet) and we are to get 2-5 inches today and tonight. Strong winds at 35mph are supposed to come with it (nary a wisp yet) and travel is to become dangerous. We are supposed to get another 2-5 inches overnight into tomorrow. Then arctic air is coming on its heels with temps going to -20 degrees. Chicagoans know if those temps rise again to the 20's expect snow and lots of it.

Ok, let's interpret this forecast. For those of us living in Chicago, our meteorologists are not known for their predictions. Last Friday and Saturday we were only supposed to get 2-5 inches period. We got 15. Temps were forecasted to warm up then get cold. Didn't get over 20 some (don't call that warm). Can't say for the cold yet as it hasn't appeared. Did you know that the Blizzard of 79 was initially predicted for 2 inches of snow? I seem to remember my Toyota Celicia totally buried in a parking lot and since I couldn't remember where exactly I had parked (all landmarks were buried in snow), hubs and I had to unbury each car to check the color before finding a copper brown one (mind you it had to be done by hand since we didn't know how far to go in with the shovel and didn't want to dent any car). We unburied it only to find out it wasn't mine. We unburied 10 cars before finding mine so I could get to work.

So, so much for any prediction for Chicago. I will wait and see. In the meantime, enjoy some pics I took from Friday and Saturday.

A forest preserve we passed on the way to inlaws.


I call this one - how high can snow be piled?


These are our bushes:


This is the birdfeeder in the middle of the yard at inlaws house. It stands 8 feet off the ground.

Caring for a Parent with Dementia

For quite a while now I have been relaying our struggles caring for a parent with dementia whose caretaker has been ill. It has been frustrating to watch their decline and although we have tried to help out (taking over major holiday meal preparation, going to doctor appointments with them, going to visit and giving respite care), it just wasn't enough. It all came to a head Monday, December 29th when we admitted hubs father for an altered mental state dementia with severe WWII flashbacks. He was in the hospital for a few days then was transferred to a psychiatric dementia lock down unit for medication and evaluation. We checked in an angry male who never raised his voice yet had hit his wife. We have been out there practically every day checking and visiting him to make sure he wasn't being turned into a drugged zombie. We have also had the medical issues with hubs mother who suffered 2 strokes during this ordeal. Life has not been dull.

After visiting over 30 some places in the past week, we settled on what we thought was best for dad - a small group home for dementia patients. It is located within a mile of his house and is the best idea I have ever come across. It was divine intervention that we found this place. It is a standard ranch home in a regular neighborhood. The only difference is there are 2 live-in caretakers and 5 dementia patients in the 4 bedroom home. The atmosphere is amazing. Calming music is played. Heavenly mouth watering home cooked food is made. The caretakers and owners have this magical calming attitude about them that just is passed on via osmosis.

During a snowstorm yesterday we had our family meeting at the dementia unit (amazingly the social worker that I had words with was not present and her supervisor had taken over FIL's case), then we took FIL's belongings and moved them into his 'new room' so when we transferred him today, he would feel like he had come home. I had made him a mural of family pictures with the names of the people in the pictures under them. Half the board was for the caretakers to write on the date. I had written in his name and today's date to start them off. I had also written on a piece of paper his name, his wife's name, his children's names, his grandchildren's names, and that all of us knew he was there and would visit him often. I had it laminated in plastic so he could carry it in his pocket so he had a constant reminder of all these things.

During another snowstorm today, we finally got him discharged a full 2 hours after we had planned and drove him to this new home. I have to stop a minute and say that the man we committed protesting with violent outbursts was a different man who walked out of there today. Did he still have dementia? Yes. That will not change but will only get worse. We know that and understand that. But he was back to his normal happy go lucky dementia self, asking us every 5 minutes the same questions over and over. Will he probably still drink after shave lotion thinking it is mouthwash? Yes unless he is watched closely.

The night we committed him, he was combative and hostile and we all walked out of the unit stunned and in tears. Little over a week later, there was an amazing difference in leaving him today. As soon as we walked through the doors of this group home, there were people who understood him and his care (aided of course by our 10 page questionnaire we had to answer of his likes and dislikes which I saw was closely read). Although the other residents had already eaten, the caretakers and owners had provided an amazing lunch for all 5 of us. They immediately enveloped FIL in the house and as we left 2 hours later to the mouth watering smells coming from the kitchen (Hungarian Goulash), FIL was sitting at the table, talking to 3 other male residents and playing cards in the only way dementia patients can, eating cookies and having a 'beer' (root beer but they swore it was Polish beer).

Next time I visit I swear I am tape recording their conversations. I had a hard time keeping a straight face and to not laugh totally out loud. Mind you none of them had any short term memory yet there were 3 males sitting at that table talking and playing cards discussing nothing yet having this amazing time. Not one single sentence uttered made any sense and the conversation was so disjointed one would admit themselves after listening to them after a few minutes. FIL just waved good bye to us, saying see you soon.

We drove MIL home and shoveled her driveway of the 8 inches she had gotten, then left to come home and shovel the 14 inches we got.