Inspirational Sunday - Faith and Terminal Illness

Today's message is about faith and hope even when knowing you are dying. A very good friend of mine has been in the hospital since last week with really bad chest pains. He had been having them for over 2 weeks but chose not to go to the hospital because he had been laid off and didn't have the money. After 2 failed angioplasties and a whole lot of tests, he will be sent home tomorrow on medications. He is not a viable candidate for open heart surgery - his chances of surviving would only be 20% because of all the blockages. Am I upset? Yes.......BUT I am also thankful my husband and I and our family have had his friendship for over 25 years. He is a very easy man to care for even though we love to tease each other.

His spirit and faith is amazing. Does he know when he will pass away? No - he doesn't care. He just has this amazing attitude that life has a meaning and all that happens does too. He outlived his own father so far by over 20 years. He has grandchildren he has gotten to see, etc. Will he stop living his life as he wants? No he won't. He is the most amazing type of person who lives in the moment and enjoys every moment of his life. He won't change. I am a very lucky person to have him as my friend.

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
- Buddha

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
- Joe Lewis

"All of us have been dying, hour by hour, since the moment we were born. Realizing this, let all things be placed in their proper perspective. . . . Remember, it is always later than you think."
- Og Mandino

Inspirational Sunday - Living in the Today

We live in the age of distraction. But did you know that your best future solely rests on your ability to pay attention to the present - the here and now?

Why do you think that is? I know that I let the present slip away and relive the past over and over, or worry about what is to come. But in reality, life is in the present. We need to live more in the moment. When you do, you realize that you are not your thoughts and instead become an observer of those thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Being in the moment allows you to be with your thoughts as they are.

Living in the moment actually reduces stress, boosts immune functioning, reduces pain, lowers blood pressure, and helps one cope with every day life and the stuff it throws at you. People who live in the moment are happier, more exuberant, more empathetic, and more secure. They have a higher self-esteem and are more accepting of their own weaknesses. They are less likely to be impulsive, less likely to do things like binge eat, and less likely to have attention problems. They are also more likely to take negative criticism without feeling threatened. They fight less with their partners and are more accommodating and less defensive. Couples living in the moment have more satisfying relationships.

Wouldn't it be great if we could always live in the today, in the moment? I don't know about you, but I sure don't. But thinking back onto those times when I am the happiest, when I am in the least amount of pain; I see myself being in the moment then.

So to me, the question is how to do it. After all I am human. I am not a perfect person. My pain levels alternate between little to a whole lot per day. My tolerance of bulls*** alternates too. Oh I can be pleasant but inside I am boiling. Right now I am really upset about the fact that a person who gave me hell, a person I thought to be my friend, could betray me so much. Was I that gullible? Maybe that is why although I am happy she found a new job, I am angry it is the job it is and I had to take legal steps to not have her have any contact with my databases. To me, the people who hired her were wrong. Do I suspect she would sabotage my databases? Honestly, in my heart, I don't think so. But I have already been wrong about her. Can I trust that she wouldn't? What is my first priority? My first priority would be to my data and to my patients. So a legal step had to be done. Me? I want nothing to do with her - ever. I wish her the best in life, but it will not ever be in mine again.

But see how hard it is for me to live in the today? So instead of getting stuck in my head and worrying, I took a step so I can let myself go. Most negative thoughts concern the past or the future. That is where I am with this person. I have really tried to just let it go, but it keeps being thrown in my face. Our lives are now intertwined again and I have to learn to let it go.

So how do I cope? How do I live in the today and the moment? The best way I have found is to either pray the rosary, or to just focus on my breathing. By doing either, I am placing my awareness on what is happening right now. I notice that when I do either, I lose track of the flow of time. I am totally absorbed into the here and now and lose track of everything else around me. I can also do that with reading a book.

But how can you be in the moment if you are not even aware of the moment? The reason is the depth of how engaged you are absorbs you so much you are keeping your attention so focused that any distraction cannot penetrate. You are focusing so intensely on what you are doing that you are unaware of the passage of time. Hours can pass without you noticing.

Not always easy to do while at work although there are days that I look at the clock and think "Where did all the time go?" We all have had days like that. I love those days. I love how different every aspect of my job is. I love doing different things.

So how do I do it at work? Now mind you it doesn't always work. But if something is bothering me, I move away from it rather than toward it. Why? Because they are irritants which distract me from the moment.

I have constant pain either in my left knee or my right ankle and now because of the way I need to walk, the pain has moved to my hips. The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it by trying to resist unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. But negative feelings and situations can't be avoided and resisting them only magnifies the pain. So the more I resist feeling the pain, the more I stress over not feeling the pain. The more I stress over not feeling the pain, the more I stress over being stressed.

Acceptance of pain does not mean I really accept the pain. It means I accept that certain things like the pain are beyond my control. It also doesn't mean I have to like what is happening. I mean, who in their right mind would like to have 7 ankle surgeries and 1 knee surgery and still recognize that you might have to have more and that this will be a permanent part of my life? I sure don't like the thought. I expected the surgeries to put me back together and 'fix it'. But with each surgery comes its own inherent problems. While that 'problem' might be fixed, another that was hidden by the pain of the other will crop up and that doesn't include the sheer fact that any surgical procedure never leaves without making its mark on you. Acceptance also does not mean you have to like what is happening. Acceptance does not tell you what to do. What happens next, what you choose to do, has to come from your understanding of THIS moment. It just means that the sadness, stress, pain, or anger is there whether you like it or not. Better to embrace the feeling as it is.

You watch your thoughts, perceptions, and emotions flit through your mind without getting involved. Thoughts are just thoughts. You don't have to believe them and you don't have to do what they say.

But also don't become mindless because we then stop paying attention. Don't go through even an hour in a haze. Instead see the world with fresh eyes. See what is going on with a child's eye or pretend you are seeing it for the first time. Your reaction will be different. By noticing new things, we become aware that the world is actually changing constantly. Once you start seeing things in a new light, everything becomes an adventure in noticing and the more you notice, the more you see. The more you see, the more excitement you feel.

You can become mindful at any moment just by paying attention to your immediate experience. You can do it right now. What's happening this instant? Think of yourself as an eternal witness, and just observe the moment. What do you see, hear, smell? It doesn't matter how it feels: pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad. Roll with it because it's what's present; you're not judging it. And if you notice your mind wandering, bring yourself back. Just say to yourself, "Now. Now. Now." Wake up. Become aware of being alive. And breathe. As you draw your next breath, focus on the rise of your abdomen on the in-breath, the stream of heat through your nostrils on the out-breath. If you're aware of that feeling right now, as you're reading this, you're living in the moment. Nothing happens next. It's not a destination. This is it. You're already there.

But don't fret if you can't live in the moment all the time. No one can. Find things that help you to find the moment: watching a child play; watch a cat play. Cats and children are all about the NOW. Be a child. Be a cat.

The fact of the matter is that the past is gone. Good, or bad; it is incapable of returning, and cannot be changed in any way, shape, or form. Living in the past allows for the possibility that we will miss the abundant gifts and precious moments of the present. We do ourselves a far greater service when we accept the past as a series of positive and negative learning experiences which, when viewed with the proper attitude, will always result in our continual growth.

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post."
- L. Thomas Holdcroft

"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Happy 60th Birthday Honey Honey Honey!

You haven't aged a bit! Love how you put the following picture in your ads:

Only another 94,728,000 seconds later you really look like this:

Can't imagine what you are going to look like at another 94,728,000 seconds from now :)
Love ya, honey, honey, honey!

Snow, Men, etc

It's been a bit nutty around here the past few weeks. I think that full moon didn't go away.

I am not going to be a grandmother. They are trying again this next month.

Only a man would do ANYTHING to not have his golfing trip postponed, especially by a blizzard. When his airline cancelled his flight, no worries - he just booked on another flight. Oops - that one cancelled too. So the 4 guys decided to drive. That is until I reminded them that while we missed the one snowstorm because it went south, that meant they were going to be driving through it since they were headed south and we all know even southern Illinois or Indiana do not have snowplows, etc, let alone have salt to battle the 2 inches of ice they got. Plus they forgot another minor detail: Miami is a 30 hour drive in a sedan with 3 males who are over 6 foot tall and my husband, along with 4 suitcases and 4 golf bags - not much leg room let alone any room to even sleep. So they once again rescheduled their flight, this time on another airline and were one of the few flights that got out that day. The price of said one way ticket? Over $800.00. Oh yeah, that ticket is going to cost him and is coming out of his golf allowance for the rest of the year! But the thought of leaving your wife who is still in a cast alone in the house to battle the incoming blizzard by herself? Not a teeny little bit of thought.

So supposedly we had 22.2 inches of snow, along with 'thunder snow' that was fascinating and I got to witness before the drifts piled up on the entire 1st floor of our home totally blocking my view outside unless I went to the 2nd story. How they measured said snow I have no idea because we also had 60-70 mph winds. We ended up with not being able to see outside on the 1st floor as the house was literally drifted in on all 4 sides.

During one of my husband's phone calls, he told me to start shoveling out the front door. I tried to explain to the said male who is sitting in 80 degree weather in shorts, that the entire doorway is covered up to the top with snow and I knew it was at least a foot above the doorway. I then asked him where to put said snow - inside the house? He kept up with giving me advice on how to get out of the house. Me? Why would I be stupid enough to go outside the house? I had someone coming to plow the driveway when they could fit me in. In the meantime, I worked on a few things and just enjoyed the peace and quiet and control of the remote (although not a flippen thing was on which it figures when I finally get control of the remote)!

One time when hubs called, he asked how the roof was doing. I stated that I assumed it was still there since I couldn't see it - like duh - if I can't see out the 1st floor or get out of the house, how was I supposed to see the roof? Then he proceeded to give his advice again. I said "Yanno, you really don't get it. I don't need your advice. I am 56 years old and am doing fine. Shut up before I hang up on you!" He didn't stop. I hung up on him. He calls back stating that we were disconnected. I said: "Yep we were. I hung up on you and unless you can say something constructive or things like how much you miss me, I don't want to talk to you." I then hung again. He tried to get ahold of me yesterday but I missed both his calls.

Half the driveway got plowed out. The sun came out and is slowly melting the snow down the 1st floor windows and door. I can once again open the garage door. But I am still inside, making and canning pea soup and beef vegetable soup. I am listening to my CD's and just plain enjoying myself: living in the moment like having the bed to myself, reading when I want to, doing what I want to when I want to, wearing my robe all day if it suited me, wearing no makeup or doing my hair, and I am doing just peachy.

Loved these photos people sent in to the local news:

Snowman, Chicago style:

Loved this caption: Parting of the white sea! (not my house just loved the caption)
This one is looking out our garage when the snowplow came. This was how high the drifts were - you can't even see the basketball hoop on the left side of our driveway nor our van on the right side of the drive. The plow went straight down the middle then slowly inched each way until we could get one car out of the garage. As for the front and back doors: I figure if someone wants to visit me, they can call me and I will open the garage door and they can come in like a real friend does. Otherwise, I am doing fine by myself.

Full Moon, Giving Someone a Reference, Possibility of Being a Grandmother

Yesterday was a full moon day. Don't know how yours went but here is a brief look into mine:

Hubs and I were awakened to 2 granddoggies chasing 2 cats around our room at 6am. The cats determined the dogs could not jump on the bed so they jumped on us on the bed. Dogs didn't think that was fair so they started barking. The more they barked, the more the cats hissed and taunted them. The more the cats did that, the more the dogs went from one side of the bed to the other. Hubs and I looked at each other and I told him to get the coffee on - it was going to be a long day.

We had office hours at just one office but I worked in the morning on trying to figure out my objectives for 2 lectures I will be teaching in March. They are due Friday. Still pondering on them though. I was also working on that data entry - one database done and now another to do for the other office. Wish I knew more about programming because I would love to write a program that would transfer the data from one to the other. Would be much simpler.

The afternoon brought an office full of patients, another wanting to be seen with no room to put her, a co-worker at the other office complaining about something she thought I did. At one time, I had all 4 phone lines going, a patient in front of me pounding the counter, another waiting for me to make her another appointment, and the doctor wanting me to call the hospital to see if they got the surgery scheduled for a patient we saw last night. One by one, they were all taken care of.

The reason the office was packed? We needed to be out earlier than normal in order to amputate the remaining 4 toes of a patient. Why? Because he was flippen stupid - went to the Cayman's a few months ago and scraped his toes on coral. Did he bother coming to see us? Nope! Did he bother coming to see us even after the toes turned from bright red to pure black? Nope. He came to us after one of the toes fell off in his bed. He is a brittle diabetic with 1 kidney and that was from a transplant. Stupid stupid people! So he not only has MRSA but his one kidney might fail because of the IV antibiotics he has to take, and he will be lucky if we end up only taking the toes. His reason? He wanted a break from doctors!

As I was forwarding calls, the phone rang. This time it was for a reference for the employee who quit with no notice a few months ago. Our policy has always been to cite the date they became employed and the date they left and give nothing else. The person asking for the reference was not happy. I felt like a prisoner who recites their tag ID except I kept reciting her employment dates with each and every question I was asked. Finally got her off the phone although I know there will be backlash on that and forwarded calls.

Came home to make dinner. Hubs was doing the amputation so I knew I had a couple hours in order to put dinner together. Daughter was over and while throwing out thoughts for ideas for dinner, interjects this "I am being inseminated tomorrow morning" then proceeded to give me more suggestions for dinner. Like the rote person I am, I didn't quite catch what she said until I wrote it down. I looked up and she was laughing and said, "Yep, one egg so we are going to try again". So I might be a grandmother with the grandchild conceived on a full moon.

Could be very interesting 9 months :)

Ankle Update, Sinusitis, Bloggers Who Beg for Money

Ankle: I am 7 weeks postop from having a Chrisman-Snook surgery using an allograft (donor tendon). I have been non-weight bearing and back on the scooter but have been working since the 5th day after the surgery - thankfully I have a sitting job. But I got the cast off yesterday. Wednesday evening I had been on my scooter getting ready for bed when I reached for something and since my cast was a bit loose, my foot almost came out of the cast but while doing it, it tugged on the ankle area. Immediately there was a very sharp pain on the little weight bearing I was allowed. It even hurt in the cast but the ankle was swollen and wouldn't go back down in the cast. By Thursday morning, the ankle felt fine again. After work we went to the wake of a cousin in law who had passed away at age 54 from leukemia and even though I was back on the scooter full time, that pain returned. So after the cast came off, the doctor did a complete series of xrays but they were inconclusive for a possible stress fracture at the tip of the fibula (where the pain was).

I really hope this is really nothing and since Friday I have stayed down and in bed. The surgery I had done (Chrisman-Snook) is only done on people who have severely damaged their ankles (moi). But I am in my Aircast removable boot (above) with minimal weight bearing and still on the scooter. I am allowed to move the ankle a bit but no walking or stepping on it without the cast. It felt so nice to actually wash the foot since the skin is so crusty and I swear that Miracle Gro was in the cast again because my hair is at least 2 inches long and black (the hair on my left leg is blond and only about a half inch long). Hopefully in a few more days of getting the skin back to normal, I can shave without taking off several layers. So far so good though.

The cold from hell I had was actually acute sinusitis and the only treatment was what I was already doing. It finally ran its course after 10 days and a $200 visit to the ENT doctor (went to the deductible).

In other news, I am really peeved about a blogger I know. I just can't understand the audacity of some bloggers who get really popular (I even recommended her blog once) and she is a pretty funny blogger. I enjoyed her. BUT.... in my opinion, once this line is crossed, there is no going back. Her blog link is now in the trash. The line? Having the nerve to put on your blog how desperate you are and to send money now. Sorry - can't do it. Won't do it. Why do people do this? No clue but once they cross into that territory, they are no longer a blog I read. Want to hear something interesting? I hadn't read her blog in a couple of weeks- had been busy fighting a sinus inflammation and had a newsletter to write along with attending my first board meeting. In other words, I was busy. I had a life. I have a lot to do today but it's all tedious work inputting data into our practice management database. Super tedious and one of those projects you just want to snooze on. So when my eyes start going bonkers or I get 2 pages done (whichever comes first), I peruse some of my favorite blogs I haven't had time for. Hers was one. The asking for money was 2 weeks ago. She has raised over $140,000 already. Really? Are there that many saps out there that believe a sucker story? I know this lady. She lives near me. Believe me, she is not desperate. She has money. Now she has more money. Wonder if she has to report it? I don't think her morals are the same as mine. There is no chance on this earth that I would ever ever ask people for money. Not a chance. Not a chance now I will ever visit her blog or see her again.

So that's my catch-up. Can't wait for the Bears game this Sunday! They have gone further than I thought they would at the beginning of the season!

Crabby and Sick of Being Sick

That's me in a nutshell. It's bad enough to have a head cold for 7 days now and to have 4 canker sores and 2 cold sores erupt but put all that with working 12 hour days and have it also affect my Meniere's then add not being able to sleep and not being able to take decongestants (they wire me) and on week 6 of still non-weight bearing and unable to do things for yourself and you have one hell of a crabby person.

I warned people. I warned my employees. My husband and son know to steer clear of me. But anyone who knows me knows to never ever EVER tell me what I can do or can't do because I will react. It's in my nature. Never ever tell me what to do when I am sick and crabby already. That is a recipe for disaster.

So last week on day 1 of said cold, one of my employees started rearranging my stuff (bills, box I carry from office to office, charts, etc.) Why? No clue. So I politely told her once to leave my things alone. I had them organized the way I wanted them. Did she stop? For an hour. Then came into my office while I was in the bathroom and started doing it again. I erupted. My stuff is my stuff. I don't go into her piles. I respect her need to organize. BUT I am her boss. Don't piss off a boss. Don't piss off a crabby boss. That was how last week ended.

Yesterday I am now on day 6 of the cold from hell. My crabbiness has increased per day 100fold. I warned people to just leave me alone. My husband warned the employees to leave me alone. Did one listen? Nope - she was back to organizing my box then had the audacity to tell me all about the evils of Facebook (I was on it while I was trying to down my chicken noodle soup). I exploded. She deserved it. For someone who has never been on Facebook, she, in no way shape or form, has enough intelligence to impart her opinion of Facebook let alone tell her boss what they can and can't do while on a lunch break. She was warned. She chose to ignore that warning. She chose to ignore the simple fact she has no right to tell me what I can or cannot do when I am the boss and owner of said computer. She has no right to paw through my stuff.

Where did respect for another go?

My husband said I was too strict on her. I didn't fire her. I didn't write her up. Maybe if I had not warned them I didn't feel good or not warned them to just leave me alone or maybe not have just had this happen one week ago and she was told no. But when she doesn't listen to any of the above, she deserved every bit of what I gave her.

Again, where did respect for another go?