Peace at last

Bella with her parents:

A mere 50 minutes ago daughter and her husband euthanized their one bulldog - Bella. She had a FCE (stroke in a dog) which progressed to total paralysis over a 5 week period. The diagnosis was not confirmed via MRI because of the sheer cost of the test but 3 different vets determined that was what they thought it was. She initially was paralyzed in her 2 front paws and was in physical therapy. After 3 weeks the vet did not renew her Gabapentin to see how her pain control was. Well, she experienced a severe side effect of abrupt withdrawal of the medicine and went into severe pain. Within 2 days she was back on the medication but then experienced another side effect of taking a dog off without weaning them off the drug then quickly re-introducing it. That side effect is called ataxia and became a permanent condition (this is where the muscles no longer work together and she had no idea what to do with them). My daughter and her husband took her for a 2nd opinion this week but by this time her paralysis got worse and she was no longer able to use her front legs at all and didn't have control of her back ones either. She stopped being able to pee or poop Wednesday. My daughter made the decision to put her down today and my husband and I were invited to be there (the dog was raised in our house for the 1st 4 years of her life). Bella would have been 9 this summer. She lived a very rich life pampered by not only her parents but her gramma and grandpa who would take care of her and her sister on the weekends.

Today she crossed over to meet up with all the other furbabies we have lost over the years and is once again running and jumping and playing without pain.

We will miss her!

Happy 3rd Anniversary

The picture above is of my daughter and her husband. They have been married for 3 years now. Interesting tidbit - traditional gifts should be leather and modern gifts should be either crystal or glass.

Wonder if a crystal handle on a leather whip would be appropriate? :)

Inlaw Drama

I thought my family was bad and nasty. BIL takes the cake (hub's brother). Yesterday I had gotten a call from one of the owners of the home father-in-law lives in.

FIL's mental health has decreased in the past 6 months to the point that he can't name his wife and on good days he might state his own name. The 'sundown syndrome' has also increased and together with the caretaker, we have been treating it conservatively without additional medications or doping him up. I should also add the price of his stay at the home is tiered to how much care they need. FIL entered the home over 2 years ago at the lowest tier. The reason for the raise: over the past few months the sundown syndrome has increased to the point that he is now wandering around stark naked at night and cries that he wants to go home and then tries to wake up the other patients in the home (there are currently 2 women and 4 men) and tries to climb into bed with them crying for his mommy. He is also totally incontinent now but has been doing this stripping thing so he pees everywhere.

The owner called me to let me know that they will be raising the price of his care due to this but not to the top tier (he will now be one step from the highest tier) which is an additional $500.00 per month for a total of $4000.00 per month. Personally that is not bad. Most nursing homes run over $7000.00 for his type of care without the personal attention. I love where he is at - it is closer knit and there is a consistency of 2 sets of 2 caretakers around the clock during the week (one set of 2 works 3 days around the clock then the other set works 4 days around the clock, reversing that schedule the next week). All 6 patients in the home have dementia and some have additional problems (Parkinson's, etc). They have home cooked meals according to their diet. They have great dementia activities on a daily basis. The home is immaculate and there is no MRSA, or problems normal nursing homes have. Even their bed-ridden patient never developed a bed sore the entire time they lived there which is a very good indicator of how well they take care of the people there.

I called BIL last night to let him know of the increase. OMG he went ballistic. I gave him 3 warnings to not yell at me or I would hang up the phone. I had my cell at arm's length. He yelled at me that he wasn't yelling or even raising his voice. I tried to tell him during another of his rants that I had my cell phone volume on low and still at arms length I could hear him. His complaints: I did not let him know that the nurse practitioner had been visiting him every 2 weeks due to his Coumadin (blood thinner) fluctuations and that he was wandering at night and incontinent pretty much all the time now. His point also was that I was to handle the medical and he was to handle the financial. I stated I was aware of that arrangement. He said I wasn't handling then medical then if he was getting worse and didn't let him know. I stated I had let him know - in emails and if he had been visiting his father, he would have known this. He said he hadn't checked that account. I said not my problem. I said that he hasn't kept me up to date on financials or any increases in bills either - not once in over 3 years since we took over the medical and financial aspects of MIL and FIL. He screamed that it was none of my business and that I was trying to deflect the situation. I said that was the last time time he was ever allowed to yell at me for nothing - that we all knew FIL's prognosis and that he is hanging on with only 20% heart function the way it was and that we knew the dementia was going to get worse. He wouldn't listen. I hung up. I had given him 3 warnings. I told husband I was never going to speak to him again.

I wonder what crawled up his undies? But his attitude was out of this world. Kinda scary to know that he works on top secret things for the government and is the top engineer. I wonder what his retention rate of good engineers is if he treats his employees like that?

Memories - 1 year anniversary

Tomorrow will be the 1st anniversary of my mother's death. I miss her. I have seen over the past year that it was her that did hold my brothers and sisters together. Without her we have floundered. We have all grieved different. As the oldest and the scapegoat of the family, I am stand alone in my grief. Tomorrow we commemorate her loss once again...actually the 12th time now. My presence is demanded. I don't quite know how other families have coped but it doesn't seem mine is coping well. I often wonder since she was the glue that held us together if that is the reason we keep holding these get togethers, and until we can find some other reason to be together, my sisters and brother will continue this commemoration process. Her birthday is coming up in May and we are required once again to make an appearance at my father's home for mass at 6:30am to commemorate her birthday. I will not be there. This is my last.

I think this is wrong. While everyone grieves differently, keeping alive my mother's memory alive and demanding we get together to remember her I don't think is the way to do it.

My father is the one who is demanding our presence. I don't understand the why of this yet as he has a girlfriend already and has even taken off his wedding ring. I know quite a few of my sisters have not fully grieved but I also don't feel we need to have hysterical crying every single time we are all together. We didn't get together this many times in one year before. Why now? Why is he lying to me, telling me no one else is going to be there, yet is telling each of us the same? Why is he throwing the guilt onto us? Why are we bowing to him? Wish I had the answers.

So while I feel my father's grief, I still am leery of who he is and how he fits into my life. He was my abuser. I have forgiven him but forgiving does not mean forgetting. He seems to be able to guilt me into showing up regardless of what is going on in my life. I am going tomorrow but am not staying the whole day. I am also not going to another commemoration. I think we have had enough. Those who have not accepted my mom's death can continue to do what they are doing. I no longer am going to live in the past.

I love you mom and miss you!

"If you were once connected with someone, does it make sense that the connection is broken just because of a physical death? No, the connection stays. You may just have to listen differently. You may just have to talk differently. The truth is: the connection is never broken. It's quite impossible to break the most powerful connection in the universe. As long as you exist, the connection stays."
~Chris Collins

Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.
~Anonymous

I thought that I would miss you so, and never find my way.
And then I heard the angel say "She's with you every day."
"The sun, the moon, the wind, the stars, will forever be around,
reminding you of the love you shared, and the peace she's finally found."
~Anonymous

Catch up - Bible - Ankle - Knee - Happy Birthday FIL

Happy 93rd Birthday dear Father-in-law. We will be celebrating tomorrow with your favorite food: Cappelletti followed by German Chocolate Cake. You continue to amaze me everyday with your capacity to live even if you have no clue who we are or even who you are. Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is like living in that type of world but then again, would I even know? I know research is still being done. I know that each person has their own calming thing that reaches deep inside them to soothe. Sometimes it would be nice to just sit and talk to you again and have your input on things.

We had a patient this week that is a minister. We got into a verbal barrage of back and forth quotes of Bible verses. He was a little surprised at how I could come back with a rebuttal. The topic: Where in the Bible does it say that woman submits to man? He came back with your husband is lord. I came back and said there is only one Lord and my husband is not him but the Lord lives in him and that does not mean I worship the ground my husband walks on. I came back with the quotes that a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife and that a husband walks besides his wife through life, not ahead so that he leads her nor behind that he shall follow but side by side. It was a quite interesting hour that continued 3 days later with another hour. It's nice to see people knowing the Bible.

Other than that, my right ankle is been doing so-so. Of course there is still a lot of scar tissue. I have more stability after the last surgery but I still have posterior impingement which was diagnosed last week via fluoroscopic examination with putting my ankle through range of motion both non-weight bearing and weight bearing. Glad to see something is still wrong in one way as it is a vindication that what I was feeling was right yet bad in other ways as there is still something wrong. I had my 2nd Synvisc injection in my left knee the same day so my knee doc left the foot doc a little of the Synvisc and he injected it into my subtalar joint which is almost bone on bone. The first injection just in the knee didn't do anything. The 2nd in the left knee and right ankle killed - severe pain all week. So the knee doctor aspirated fluid off my left knee this week and injected Methylprednisone into the knee instead to calm it down. The foot doctor injected the Methylprednisone too into the subtalar joint to calm it back down and into a tendon close to the posterior impingement site but below the achilles tendon. Interesting finding was the area he put the injection into is the exact site that has hurt for over 3 years and sent shooting pains to the front of the foot and the big toe. The cortisone did its usual to me - kept me up most of the night hot flashing with a massive thirst yet continual need to go potty. But all my allergies are cleared up. Still pain today but slightly better. Was able to do some cooking today and took a long nap for catchup. Felt good not working.

My Message for Today

NEWSFLASH: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-aaah with Dr. Sniffle reporting LIVE from Quitchur bitchin'.

The above describes the past month or so in my life. Lots has happened. Some good. Some not so good.

Back to your regular program.......................

Inspirational Sunday - Faith and Terminal Illness

Today's message is about faith and hope even when knowing you are dying. A very good friend of mine has been in the hospital since last week with really bad chest pains. He had been having them for over 2 weeks but chose not to go to the hospital because he had been laid off and didn't have the money. After 2 failed angioplasties and a whole lot of tests, he will be sent home tomorrow on medications. He is not a viable candidate for open heart surgery - his chances of surviving would only be 20% because of all the blockages. Am I upset? Yes.......BUT I am also thankful my husband and I and our family have had his friendship for over 25 years. He is a very easy man to care for even though we love to tease each other.

His spirit and faith is amazing. Does he know when he will pass away? No - he doesn't care. He just has this amazing attitude that life has a meaning and all that happens does too. He outlived his own father so far by over 20 years. He has grandchildren he has gotten to see, etc. Will he stop living his life as he wants? No he won't. He is the most amazing type of person who lives in the moment and enjoys every moment of his life. He won't change. I am a very lucky person to have him as my friend.

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
- Buddha

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
- Joe Lewis

"All of us have been dying, hour by hour, since the moment we were born. Realizing this, let all things be placed in their proper perspective. . . . Remember, it is always later than you think."
- Og Mandino