Pure Chaos and Exhaustion

Tomorrow is supposed to be my 31st wedding anniversary. Husband has golf in the am, office hours in the pm, then a dinner meeting at night. Some anniversary but typical of the type of day we have been having for over 3 months now. Why do I feel then that I am not the most important thing? Is it because of all the chaos from last week? I don't know. He can't not go to his weekly golf nor can he not see the patients for the afternoon and he has to go to the dinner meeting as it is mandatory.

Every other year we have taken turns planning our weekend away for our anniversary. Last year I did the planning. This year it was hubs turn. Who ended up doing it? Me. So this weekend we are supposed to be going away to celebrate said anniversary. Why do I not want to go? Maybe it's knowing that I will be spending money I don't have. And maybe it is still the leftover crap from last week.

All I do know is that I still do not want to talk to anyone and I still have not processed anything. I still feel chaotic and exhausted. I don't feel I have to defend my decisions I made as an office manager. I just want others to trust me and trust that I do know what I am doing and there is a reason I did what I did.

And right now, I just want to be left alone. In peace. In solitude. At least until I can recover. I just want to sleep and bury my head and not handle anything else, especially the total miscommunication from last week. I am burnt out but have to keep going. But I can't. I have taxes to do. I have things to do. I have a newsletter to write. I have laundry to do again. I have to take inlaws to doctors all day Thursday. So I keep plodding away but playing my music which has always soothed me.

I keep going. I am afraid of what will happen if I stop. Just bear with me until I can handle what was thrown at me. I need to find my silence within first.

Inspirational Sunday - Love and Respect

Love and respect are the main foundations of any marriage. We all know and recognize that. If there is an imbalance with either of those, the marriage falters.

Now let's throw in working with your spouse into the equation.

Now let's add in another office into the mix in which you and your spouse were already working over 40 hours per week with 3 offices and increase that to working 6 days a week with 12-14 hour days plus an office that has no cash flow yet and you are spending over $4000.00 per month extra supporting said office and dipping into your dwindling savings to do it.

Now let's add in losing a car in a flood and needing to purchase another one and dipping into that dwindling savings to do it.

Now let's add the death of your mother a mere 4 months ago that no matter the amount of time, you are still not over the emotional impact yet.

Now let's add 6 right ankle surgeries with the last one done in May and I am just starting to walk but still with a lot of pain plus a left knee surgery mid-July for a torn meniscus and doing more walking on it than it should at this point and having your knee and ankle swell to the point it is double its size let alone the pain that accompanies said swelling.

Now let's add a phone call from your father-in-law's caretaker that your father-in-law is passing out (same thing that happened not 4 months ago with your own mother). Now let's add said father-in-law with severe dementia into the equation with a mother-in-law's health condition of 4 strokes and diminished capacity and seeing an inability to walk more than 100 feet without losing her breath and having leg cramps. Then add their doctor who improperly discharged them both from her care and I have to admit father-in-law to the hospital with the doctor on staff not ever knowing they had been discharged from their primary doctor's practice and were never sent a letter and I have to start all over with a new doctor.

Now let's add needing to be with father-in-law and mother-in-law almost 10 hours a day (remember the dementia factor - he repeats the questions every 1-2 minutes) along with not having a car with air conditioning to drive the hour out to the hospital and I hot flash the entire way.

Now let's add shopping for another car in the one hour you have left before the car dealership ends at the end of this day and this has to be done before you are even allowed to have your only meal of the day because you have been too busy doing the repeat questions and caring for both inlaws.

Now let's add trying to get your weekly laundry done with absolutely no towels clean in the house so you are doing 1-2 loads per night and paying a few bills that needed to be paid.

Now let's add being able to sleep no more than 4 hours a night.

So last week I was handling the extra physical and mental load every day. Now it is Wednesday morning when I got to even look at the box of charts and bills from the office that was sent home the day before. Then find one of the bills was $600 over what they had told you they were spending so you know you are now short in your account and have to transfer more money over to cover the bills you wrote the day before. Yes, I might have been a bit abrupt with my employee about the extra money spent without authorization but when she offered to have her paycheck held until cash flow was better, I told her no, she would be paid. I then got a phone call from the hospital with the doctor wanting me out there pronto. So instead of having time to sort through charts for another employee to do, I left immediately for the hospital, cancelling my own doctor's appointment for that afternoon knowing I probably would not get my medications by Monday refilled.

So on Wednesday, I spend 10 hours driving to the hospital, discharging father-in-law, getting him settled back into his dementia home, then picking up things my mother-in-law needed, then getting her back to her home. I came home and totally and completely collapsed. I was emotionally and physically drained. But, instead of finding a supportive husband (after all these are his parents), I found an irate angry husband who lambasted me over what I had NOT done for the office and this was according to our employees. I blew up and just went to bed. I couldn't deal with anything.

Thursday brought me arranging the car we had put a deposit on Tuesday evening to be inspected by our mechanic which ran me late for the office. I called to make sure there were 2 employees there or that the one employee could handle it and explained I would be there as soon as possible. After spending 6 hours running around between the mechanic and the car dealership, we finally had a car. I dropped off our spare car back to the mechanic to fix an oil light that wouldn't shut off knowing I might have to hold off doing any repairs because of cash flow. I went home and got the box of charts that needed to be done and went to the office. Instead of finding employees working, they were leaving. It seems that the last 2 patients had cancelled. So instead of getting work done, everyone went home. No, I had not been told there was a change in schedule. So I went home and called and arranged different dates with brother-in-law that would be okay for him to be with my husband and myself to take father-in-law into the doctor to discuss a DNR. Then I started working on seeing exactly how much this new 4th office actually owed me. Husband was still harping on me what things I had not done supposedly told to him by our employees.

Friday brought me going to my own doctor appointment not once but 3 different times (it seems 9 months ago was a very busy time and my appointment was postponed for him to deliver a baby twice). Note this involved a 30 minute drive one way to the only office I could go to since I had to have my own medicine renewed by Monday. So I made that 30 minute drive 6 times. I finally got to see the doctor and at least that was over for another year. I then started calling doctors and coordinating schedules for father-in-law and mother-in-law's appointments to be done within a week (did I mention that 3 of mother-in-law's medications were rescinded from their former primary care doctor so now I needed to get her in to see someone new within the week too?). Husband was still harping on what I had not done and now how employees were threatening to quit. I could not cope with anything anyone was saying. My brain was not working. So I took a pain pill and went to bed. Coping was not in my vocabulary yet. Would it have been in yours?

So what went wrong? I have been wracking my brain with what happened this past week. I know I am not alone in having life hit you from all sides. Was I coping? I thought I had been to the best of what I could do. But I was a caretaker this week. The general problem with caregivers is that we have other obligations too apart from taking care of our loved ones. So it is very important for caregivers, the family of caregivers and even the one being cared for to open their eyes and be aware of a caregiver burnout. It is equally important for the caregiver to take care of himself if he/she so badly wants to take care of his/her loved ones. That I didn't do. My thoughts were totally wrapped into the emotional and physical pain of possibly losing my father-in-law so close to losing my mother and seeing the health of my mother-in-law deteriorating and being in physical pain. I thought I was coping with home life by making sure the car was purchased and laundry was done.

It wasn't until today and after 2 nights of sleeping 12 hours that I was able to process what happened. While I did not cope or handle everything that was thrown at me, I also didn't have any support from my employees who instead of waiting or asking what they could do for me to help, lashed out at my husband who in turn instead of explaining I didn't have time to send them things, told them something that was no longer being done (he had forgotten), so they in turn are now angry at me, and husband came home lashing out at me for all these supposed sins I had committed.

And most important, instead of my husband recognizing how burnt out I was emotionally and physically, he lashed out every night at me for sins I had not committed unless you call not having time to do things a sin. I don't happen to.

The lesson then I have learned this week is that the load I am carrying is way too much to handle. The other most important lesson was communication. There was a total breakdown of that between me, my husband, and my employees. Everyone blamed me for what I still don't understand. I reacted to what I was told. Honestly though I don't know if I would have handled it any different in the same situation. That is my burden and what I have to work on. And I will with the help of God. He will show me the way. I am handing it over to him as I don't have an answer except to quit working for my husband. Obviously according to him and my employees I am a bitch and not doing my job.

In the beginning I posted this: Love and respect are the main foundations of any marriage. If there is an imbalance with either of those, the marriage falters. Right now after the events of this last week, our marriage is faltering. I don't have an answer for that either. Hopefully with the help of God and communication, it will fall back into place but it won't happen overnight. Too many things were said. But right now, the most important we are doing is never allowing work and others to separate us.

All I do know is that I have made it this far. I need to keep going. God will help me see the sun rise on a beautiful new day and help me find my inner peace again. I just need to be patient to learn the lesson He is trying to teach me this past week.

Working with your spouse - Having 2 employers

First I will talk about working with your spouse. I was asked to do a lecture on this subject. I had kept the topic to only good but during the question and answer period I ended up giving up some of the bad too.

Hubs and I actually work well together 90% of the time. I anticipate his needs and we work seamlessly. But....yeah always a but. There are just some things that annoy me about working with him. I am sure though he doesn't have one bad thing to say about me unless we count the number of times he's fired me. But then doesn't one have to counter those times with the number of times I have walked out or quit or told him to stuff it 'you know where' or 'do it yourself can't you see I am busy'?

Most of the lecture I gave I already have done on another lecture: How to work with difficult people. Who is the most difficult person in any arena? The person who knows you the best - your spouse.

I tell managers that instead of looking for advice to improve the working relationships in the office, look in the mirror. Yep, look in the mirror. The reason why? You can't change the other person no matter what you do. So instead your goal is simple: How do I get what I need without conflict or internalizing it so my blood pressure goes up or don't go postal?

In every aspect of life we encounter others with clashing personality types. Instead of focusing on the other person's 'faults', you instead focus on their behavior and the results of those behaviors. When you do that, you will see ways to improve both the relationship and the result.

I have 3 rules I strictly enforce when we work together:

1. Be nice to each other and treat each other with the same or higher courtesy than you do all the other employees or colleagues. Yes this means you will have to compromise on some issues. Learn to pick your battles. This also means you have to be polite and courteous to each other even if you want to rip their insides out. You have to hold the ripping until you get back home.

2. Be sure to set business and free time boundaries. When you work with your spouse, it is impossible to leave it at the office, especially us since we bring home work. So we set up times it is appropriate to ask me something about the office. When I am heading to bed is not the time. When I am reading a book is not the time. Hubs has more of a problem with setting things aside than I do. I try to anticipate his needs and questions but I also let him know when he is being unreasonable. I started setting up an hour he gets to discuss whatever he needs or wants to get off his chest or things extra he wants me to do. In that hour, I also get time to do the same for him. I try to do it once a week. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Remember when you had wee ones and you went out for the 1st time without child and tried to set up rules that you are not going to talk about baby at all? Yeah didn't work. Talking about work at home is the same. Keeping the 2 totally separate doesn't always work and definitely doesn't always work in my household. A little tip: I found the more I allowed us to talk at home, the less we actually did. Also diversion is good and it is easy to divert a male's attention.

3. Be an individual. I happen to think this one is the most important. You work, eat, sleep and are together 24/7/365. So you and your husband need to have your own personal interests away from each other. Each of you needs to get a hobby or something you do with your own friends without the other and don't feel guilty if you don't do things together. Daughter and I have girls night out with a dinner and movie with other mothers and daughters. We have a blast. Hubs has golf and dinner outings and once a month his buddies all get together for a man's night out. Hubs also does things with our son (paintball, movies that he knows I would never watch).

The hardest part I have found though with working with your spouse is technically our employees have 2 bosses. We don't always agree. I laid down ground rules. There are some things that they definitely come straight to me about - billing, bills, payroll, supplies, office management. There are definitely some things that they only are to go to him about: medical management in the back, how patients are to be scheduled, how he likes the medical supplies set up, how he likes office surgeries to be set up, etc.

BUT.....lately I have been having a large problem with the employees lately - one is the main girl who is responsible for inputting all receipts and payments, doing statements and appeals to the insurance companies, taking phone calls from any of the offices that are closed, supply ordering, and getting each office their needs, reports, etc. She reports to me. The other girl only works at one of the 3 offices but gets more per hour than all 3 employees - she has been in the field longer. She used to do a lot of what I do so I handed a lot of what I did over to her including billing. But the 2 had a problem working with each other - the main girl was jealous of what I allowed the other girl do and felt slighted I didn't ask her. Both girls although 35 years in age apart, are moody. They are both good workers but when I have problems, boy do they escalate fast. It seems to happen when I am the busiest and they take over things they are not supposed to.

Take for instance this week: medical supply orders are to be approved by my husband before an order is placed. The main girl is then to call me with a total for approval and a check for the COD. I was told the order was around $1000.00. I planned and budgeted for $1000.00. I found out on Tuesday the amount was over $1800.00. That is not $1000.00. Plus I found out the order was not approved by my husband. Now note I was with father in law who was in the hospital so I was not working. Main girl took over. I reprimanded main girl for the amount of the order and for not getting husband's approval. She retaliated and told husband some of the things I haven't done but implied and gave him false information. When I got home from the hospital dealing with 2 dementia patients all day (his mother and father in law), husband confronted me with all my 'problems'. Now in this it seems both main girl and other girl worked together to come up with my 'faults'. I showed husband the facts and proved them wrong. I confronted main girl today. She called husband at another office and threatened to quit. Husband said nothing. I have no idea what she will do but right now, I actually don't really care. I am upset with both girls. It really makes me angry that the one girl was what I would have termed a friend prior to this would even join in on this crap.

My solution was to write both girls up. Right now morale is crappy and both are upset I think because I caught them doing something I have already written both up on before so this technically is their second write-up. Then they tried to 'solve' and give their sides and consistently rang my cell phone off while I was at a doctor's appointment. I refused to answer the calls. By the time I got home, they were both gone from work. My feeling? Let them stew all weekend. Maybe I will have calmed down by then.

So can you work with your spouse?

Recipe Thursday - Drunk Chicken

Drunk Chicken

1 3 lb chicken, cut up
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1 small container mushrooms, sliced
¼ cup butter, melted
3 tsp salt
¼ cup chopped parsley
1 cup dry white wine
¼ tsp pepper
½ tsp paprika
¼ cup finely chopped green onion

Place chicken skin side down in oblong pan (13x9x2). Blend other ingredients and pour over chicken. Cover with foil and bake for 1 hour in 325 degree oven. Remove foil and turn chicken skin side up and increase temperature to 375 degrees for 30 minutes. Baste 2 or 3 times. Increase temperature to 425 degrees for last 30 minutes. Baste the chicken a whole bunch while sipping the rest of the wine so make sure you get a really good dry white wine!

Book Review - Sarah's Key

Sorry - late again. This time had FIL back in the hospital with heart problems.


This is one of those books you won't put down once you start reading it so don't do what I did and start it if you have to be somewhere the next day.

Sarah's Key by Tatiana DeRosnay is an interesting book because it is a dual story told both in 1942 (Sarah's story) and 2002 (Julia's story and investigation into Sarah's story). The book begins in July of 1942 and is based on a piece of nasty French history that still to this day, many French do not know about. In July 1942, the French police rounded up thousands of Jewish families in what is now called the Vel' d Hiv' roundup. The French separated the men, shipped them off to the Auschwitz, then did the same with the women. The children were left for days before the word came down to ship them off to Auschwitz too.

As I said this is a dual story that begins with Sarah, a 10 year old Jewish girl who is arrested in Paris with her parents during this roundup. Sarah hides and locks her brother in a secret closet fully intending to come back and rescue him. Sarah's story alternates with that of Julia Jarmond, an American journalist who has lived in Paris for 25 years with her French husband and young daughter. She is asked to write an article for the 60th anniversary of this roundup for the magazine she works for. Through her investigation, she stumbles onto a trail of long-hidden family secrets that connect her to Sarah. Julia finds herself compelled to retrace the girl's ordeal, from that terrible term in the Vel' d'Hiv', to the camps, and beyond. As she probes into Sarah's past, she begins to question her own place in France, and to reevaluate her marriage and her life.

I thought I had pretty much read it all as far as Holocaust fiction goes until I read this book - it was excellent, if not just for the history but for the believable and touching character that is Julia Jarmond. She is so easy to relate to that it is difficult to resist getting caught up in her investigation of the round up and in her relationship with her husband. Ms. de Rosnay has managed to create two fabulous stories and wrap them up in one breathtaking book. Not only does the novel focus on a tragic story, it focuses on what happens when circumstances change.

The story alternates back and forth between past and present and Sarah and Julia until the middle of the book when Sarah's voice drops off. While this bothered many reviewers, I really enjoyed the movement from past to present because I think it really helps one understand people's thoughts on that part of history today. I will admit that in all the stories I have ever read about the Holocaust, I had never read about the French involvement. I enjoyed that she wrote it from an "outsiders" awe-struck perspective because I have often found myself feeling that same exact way when I read about these types of things that happened in the past, "How could anyone have let this happen? Why would they do that? "Why do some people refuse to believe this important part of history never happened?" The focus of the story is through the impact that Vel' d'Hiv' had, not the survivors, but on the by-standers and people who are at least one generation removed. Losing Sarah's voice at the midpoint I think helped to emphasize all that was lost and gave a living testament to all those who lost their voice during that roundup.

This book is a keeper. Thanks Cindy!

Pointing Fingers

Whomever you want to point fingers at - keep in mind that when your index finger is pointing at someone else, you have three pointing back at yourself.

I saw this quote on Facebook and OMG it is so true!

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung

Just thought I would share - in a thoughtful deep mood lately - might be the heat and pain in the knee and ankle or just the cosmos.

Inspirational Sunday - Moments You Reflect On

"There is only one journey. Going inside yourself."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

"Look within! ... The secret is inside you."
- Zen Buddhism

"An unexamined life is not worth living."
- Plato

Today's lesson in church was all about reflecting upon the moments or your life that have come together brick by brick to shape who you are. It kinda hit home because I have been in a reflective type mood since yesterday.

I don't remember every second of my life but there are ones that stand out:
- The birth of each of my brothers and sisters.
- The death of 7 of my brothers and sisters.
- The day I got a 'Dear John' letter and my hopes and dreams at that time were crushed.
- The day I woke up and realized that my 1st fiance was not all he measured up to be and the 'Dear John' letter was instead a blessing and this time I got to dump him.
- The day I graduated college and then passed the exam and got my RN.
- The day I learned what the shovel is used for on an ambulance.
- My first experience of a gang war in the ER, and the first time I lost a patient just after giving birth to her 1st child.
- The day I met the true love of my life, my husband then the day I married him.
- The day I found out I was pregnant and didn't have the flu.
- The birth of each child, all 4 of them.
- The death of 2 of my children.
- The day I learned I had cancer.
- The death of each of my relatives and friends.
- The Vietnam War which shaped my feelings and ideas through my friends who made it back only to never have their lives the same again, and to those who were lost either in the war or after.
- The day my daughter married and I saw the love on her face reflecting into his and his into hers.
- The day I fell and I learned to how to be humble and accept help when I needed it.
- The day my mother died.

There are so many things. Through each, good and bad though, I learned a lesson. Every day, every minute, every breath you take is truly a gift from God.

Therefore, my reflection today is that everything I have been through in this life must surely be here to give me a greater appreciation for what is to come. And those who know me, know I have never sat still and waited for life to happen. I am ready for my next adventure.