Memories - 1 year anniversary

Tomorrow will be the 1st anniversary of my mother's death. I miss her. I have seen over the past year that it was her that did hold my brothers and sisters together. Without her we have floundered. We have all grieved different. As the oldest and the scapegoat of the family, I am stand alone in my grief. Tomorrow we commemorate her loss once again...actually the 12th time now. My presence is demanded. I don't quite know how other families have coped but it doesn't seem mine is coping well. I often wonder since she was the glue that held us together if that is the reason we keep holding these get togethers, and until we can find some other reason to be together, my sisters and brother will continue this commemoration process. Her birthday is coming up in May and we are required once again to make an appearance at my father's home for mass at 6:30am to commemorate her birthday. I will not be there. This is my last.

I think this is wrong. While everyone grieves differently, keeping alive my mother's memory alive and demanding we get together to remember her I don't think is the way to do it.

My father is the one who is demanding our presence. I don't understand the why of this yet as he has a girlfriend already and has even taken off his wedding ring. I know quite a few of my sisters have not fully grieved but I also don't feel we need to have hysterical crying every single time we are all together. We didn't get together this many times in one year before. Why now? Why is he lying to me, telling me no one else is going to be there, yet is telling each of us the same? Why is he throwing the guilt onto us? Why are we bowing to him? Wish I had the answers.

So while I feel my father's grief, I still am leery of who he is and how he fits into my life. He was my abuser. I have forgiven him but forgiving does not mean forgetting. He seems to be able to guilt me into showing up regardless of what is going on in my life. I am going tomorrow but am not staying the whole day. I am also not going to another commemoration. I think we have had enough. Those who have not accepted my mom's death can continue to do what they are doing. I no longer am going to live in the past.

I love you mom and miss you!

"If you were once connected with someone, does it make sense that the connection is broken just because of a physical death? No, the connection stays. You may just have to listen differently. You may just have to talk differently. The truth is: the connection is never broken. It's quite impossible to break the most powerful connection in the universe. As long as you exist, the connection stays."
~Chris Collins

Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.
~Anonymous

I thought that I would miss you so, and never find my way.
And then I heard the angel say "She's with you every day."
"The sun, the moon, the wind, the stars, will forever be around,
reminding you of the love you shared, and the peace she's finally found."
~Anonymous

Catch up - Bible - Ankle - Knee - Happy Birthday FIL

Happy 93rd Birthday dear Father-in-law. We will be celebrating tomorrow with your favorite food: Cappelletti followed by German Chocolate Cake. You continue to amaze me everyday with your capacity to live even if you have no clue who we are or even who you are. Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is like living in that type of world but then again, would I even know? I know research is still being done. I know that each person has their own calming thing that reaches deep inside them to soothe. Sometimes it would be nice to just sit and talk to you again and have your input on things.

We had a patient this week that is a minister. We got into a verbal barrage of back and forth quotes of Bible verses. He was a little surprised at how I could come back with a rebuttal. The topic: Where in the Bible does it say that woman submits to man? He came back with your husband is lord. I came back and said there is only one Lord and my husband is not him but the Lord lives in him and that does not mean I worship the ground my husband walks on. I came back with the quotes that a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife and that a husband walks besides his wife through life, not ahead so that he leads her nor behind that he shall follow but side by side. It was a quite interesting hour that continued 3 days later with another hour. It's nice to see people knowing the Bible.

Other than that, my right ankle is been doing so-so. Of course there is still a lot of scar tissue. I have more stability after the last surgery but I still have posterior impingement which was diagnosed last week via fluoroscopic examination with putting my ankle through range of motion both non-weight bearing and weight bearing. Glad to see something is still wrong in one way as it is a vindication that what I was feeling was right yet bad in other ways as there is still something wrong. I had my 2nd Synvisc injection in my left knee the same day so my knee doc left the foot doc a little of the Synvisc and he injected it into my subtalar joint which is almost bone on bone. The first injection just in the knee didn't do anything. The 2nd in the left knee and right ankle killed - severe pain all week. So the knee doctor aspirated fluid off my left knee this week and injected Methylprednisone into the knee instead to calm it down. The foot doctor injected the Methylprednisone too into the subtalar joint to calm it back down and into a tendon close to the posterior impingement site but below the achilles tendon. Interesting finding was the area he put the injection into is the exact site that has hurt for over 3 years and sent shooting pains to the front of the foot and the big toe. The cortisone did its usual to me - kept me up most of the night hot flashing with a massive thirst yet continual need to go potty. But all my allergies are cleared up. Still pain today but slightly better. Was able to do some cooking today and took a long nap for catchup. Felt good not working.