Inspirational Sunday - Truth - Words or Actions?

The last 2 evenings, I have pretty much declared the afternoon and evening as Mental Health times for myself. I needed those times. I had a pretty awful work week - the week prior and the first 3 days of this week we worked short handed. Usually I get to rest the knee and ankle. I haven't had that luxury so by the time I get home, both are absolutely killing me. Instead of taking pain killers, I just go to bed - I really don't believe in painkillers anyway. Instead, I read and I watched a couple of new shows I had on TiVo and declared them not worthy of my time so cleaned up my season pass manager.

I read a couple of new books and reread one of my favorites: The Reader by Bernhard Schlinks.

I picked this book to reread and as part of Inspirational Sunday because it made me think when I first read it and it still makes me think. I love how Mr. Schlinks takes the relationship between Michael and Hanna and compares it to the relationship Germans had with others (Germans and other people) in post-war Germany. One reviewers said that in a lot of ways, it is like the relationship the Germans had with the Nazi movement. I know my relatives are on both sides. I have met patients who lived in the concentration camps and I know Germans who lived during that time too.

There is a little eroticism in the book and at first I questioned what the eroticism had to do with this but as I thought about it - it is one of those books that make you think. I realized that the eroticism was necessary because if reflected the guilt and shame that the Germans bear for the Holocaust as well as the moral divide that still exists between the generations. It was not always a black and white issue. It still isn't. There were way too many gray areas in the actions and in the forces of good and evil and where the legal and moral responsibility lies.

Please don't think that I question whether or not the Holocaust happened because I am not. It happened. Mr. Schlinks though gives one perspectives that still are around today. It is a book that forces you, the reader, to think and question your own position in life and how uncomfortable not only you but others are with moral ambiguity. It makes you think about how you react and if what you say is what you do. To me, that is the biggest lesson we need to learn in life.

Note that I would never do what Michael did or even entertain any thought of having an affair. In my opinion, that is not the point of the book.

The reasons why I love this book come through in a few of my favorite quotes for it:

There's no need to talk about it, because the truth of what one says lies in what one does.

The tectonic layers of our lives rest so tightly one on top of the other that we always come up against earlier events in later ones, not as matter that has been fully formed and pushed aside, but absolutely present and alive. I understand this. Nonetheless, I sometimes find it hard to bear.

A cloth had been tied around Hanna's head to hold up her chin until the onset of rigor mortis. Her face was neither particularly peaceful nor particularly agonized. It looked rigid and dead. As I looked and looked, the living face became visible in the dead, the young in the old. This is what must happen to old married couples, I thought: the young man is preserved in the old one for her, the beauty and grace of the young woman stay fresh in the old one for him. Why had I not seen this reflection a week age?

Now this quote makes me think about what one sees in their spouse after they have been married for a while. Is it really that simple? When we look at our spouse, do we see the person they used to be or do we see them as that young person combined with who they have become? I sometimes wonder why someone married someone else but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I loved this quote because it has so many truths in it: "the young man is preserved in the old one for her, the beauty and grace of the young woman stay fresh in the old one for him". Maybe that is why there is divorce. People no longer can see that reflection. But then why do they still seek that same type of person? I look at my husband and see everything - the past, the present, and hope for the future. I remember him as the dapper young man who woo'd me and swept me off my feet and at times compare him to the man he is today - one who seldom says he loves me but says it in his actions. So do we need words or actions for love? Do you remember your spouse the same way?

But I will repeat my favorite: "The truth of what one says lies in what one does." How true are those words? How do you live your life? Are you one who says do as I say and not as I do? How can you be true to yourself and God then?

Had to Share - First Four Words You See - Knee Update

This is interesting. List the first 4 words you see. The words that popped right out at me are happy, genuine, peaceful, talented, charismatic, honest, passionate, thoughtful, sweet.

Then the crossword addict in me had me searching for more words just to see if there were any others in there. There are. Lots. Interesting what words popped up at me since I have been slightly angry and pissed.

I had a really crappy day today. I went for a 2nd opinion on my knee. In the short course of one year, I went from a torn meniscus to a meniscectomy to more pain than prior to the surgery. Umpteen cortisone injections later, it is still getting worse. Synvisc tried - reacted to it which when I called the doctor who gave it to me, he didn't even bother to call me back but instead had his nurse tell me to take a pain pill and see the doctor at my regularly scheduled appointment (5 days later). Yeah I went in but told him that he was fired from my care and he could take his shot and put it up his you know what. Since then the pain has gotten so bad I now need a cane to walk. So I went for a 2nd opinion. All this doctor did was cover the other doctor's rear and only give me the total knee replacement option. Not a thing else. Called me a non-compliant patient because I said absolutely not. Explain to me how I can go from a meniscectomy to a total knee within a year. He couldn't.

So I am on the search for another opinion. Someone who does not know this other doctor.

Ankle pain? Still there. Artelon didn't work. Cadaver did. But can't have another surgery until I can stand on my left knee. Life is great :)

Inspirational Sunday - Flight 191

Today's inspirational Sunday is dedicated to the 271 people who were killed May 25, 1979 when the American Airlines Flight 191 crashed just after takeoff in an unincorporated area near some mobile homes I happened to be at that day.

I can't begin to explain my emotions or feelings of that day. There are images that I will never forget. For years I smelled the engine fuel burning. I was getting married in exactly 3 months and supposed to be dreaming of bridal showers and looking for apartments to live in after we married, etc. Instead for weeks, it was all I could do to get up every morning and go to work. Every time I passed O'Hare Airport, I remembered, but in reality, to this day I have never forgotten.

You would think that as a nurse I would be used to a lot. I rode ambulances where we used the shovel many times. I worked in the ER where I took care of the wounds of gang wars from knives and bullets. I have put my hand into the entire belly of someone who had been shot in the stomach. I have been thrown up on, bled on, and had people die when I was there. But nothing could have prepared me for that day.

As I said, I had been working as a patient care manager of a health care home nursing agency and was admitting a patient who lived in that mobile home park into our care. Living near O'Hare one is used to the sound of airplanes taking off and landing. The mobile home area is right next to the airport so that noise was even louder. But that day, it sounded like an airplane was coming at you. We went outside and watched as the airplane crashed into the ground near us. I went back inside and grabbed my bag and took off for the crash site (approximately 3 mobile home lots away from where I had been).

The heat from the burning was like being in a fiery blast furnace. There was lots of smoke and one could barely see anything. I didn't care. I wanted to help the survivors. Once I got to the scene, I soon realized that there would be no survivors. Firemen started arriving. One of them gave me a helmet and gloves and I threw on a mask I had in my bag. As soon as the fire was out, we started searching for bodies. I soon realized I didn't need my medical bag. We didn't find one body. Instead we found parts here and there. I was given flags and assigned to a fireman. Every time we saw a piece of a body we had to mark the site with a flag. Time passed. Floodlights were set up and we worked into the night.

I had someone call my fiancee to let him know I was okay and where I was. I honestly could not leave the site. I was sure there was someone - just one person we would find alive. I helped search the surrounding area. But it was eerily quiet with only the sounds of emergency equipment arriving and the sounds of airplanes continuing to take off or land. I remember ducking and covering my head when I heard the first one take off.

It was around midnight when I went back to where my car was parked and drove home. My fiancee was waiting for me. I couldn't talk. I couldn't even cry. I just sat in stunned silence taking what I had seen and done that day all in. My fiancee finally got me to get up and take a shower. He took a picture of me and when I looked at it a few weeks later, I never realized how dirty and sooty and greasy I actually was. It just felt good to have his arms around me. I finally fell asleep that night. It took me a few days to process what happened and to talk again. I was a walking zombie for those few days. Thankfully it was Memorial Day weekend and I had that time off to regain a sense of my position in life. I did return to work on Tuesday and yes, revisited the family near the crash site.

Thankfully, today there are federal disaster teams that work airline crashes and other large-scale catastrophes. None of that existed at the time of the crash of Flight 191 although I know there were a lot of people helping at the World Trade Centers. For every fireman there, there was 1-2 people like me who were helping. For years every time I passed the crash site, my memories of that day crashed in on me. For years I would wake up every time I heard an airplane overhead.

Exactly 3 months later I married the love of my life and we flew out of O'Hare for our honeymoon. I went from a person who was comfortable flying to a white knuckled flier for a year until I had children. I didn't want my fears to transfer to them so I learned breathing techniques to relax. But I never forgot.

Yesterday after 32 years, a memorial was finally held near the crash site. The memorial came into existence through the dedicated efforts of the 6th grade class at Decatur Classical School in Chicago that began in 2009. They took it on as a project after learning their assistant principal had lost her parents in the tragedy and finally got American Airlines to donate $21,000.00 for the memorial.

My thoughts today looking back on that day: I cannot imagine what the people aboard the flight thought when they realized they were crashing. Thankfully when they took off there was only 90 seconds to realize that. I don't know if they even saw it coming. For some reason, them not knowing gives me peace. Working that crash site gave me a sense of how fragile life is. But I still remember finding the jaw with some teeth on it, someone's tennis shoe, scattered pieces of luggage, and I still at times smell burning fuel. I will never forget that day but living through that day also makes me the type of person I am today. I am stronger for living and experiencing it.

The pictures noted above are not mine. They were taken by numerous reporters that day.