I figured I would start today with 'Two Sides To Every Story'. Yes, there is a reason why I chose this subject. I am hoping this will be cathartic for me.
Have you ever been blind sided by a story someone has told a loved one of yours and said story isn't completely true? I have and unfortunately not just once. I have mentioned my past and the problems being the scapegoat of an emotionally and physically abusive narcissistic father. It is a pattern that continues to this day in my family. My father taught a few of my siblings well. They passed on their stories to my daughter and couldn't wait to impart these stories.
As in the case of stories, there is always two sides to that story. My one sister was 7 years younger than me and her memories persist in her knowledge of my always sleeping and she was unable to do her chores because I was sleeping. Well, she neglected to always state why I was sleeping during the day: I worked nights and wouldn't get off work until 7:30am but would need to be back to work by 3:00pm. I was a nurse aide in two different nursing homes and would work double shifts on weekends and full time while going to college during the week. So between 8am and 2pm I would sleep. I soon learned it was impossible to do while living at home so I got my own apartment. Did my sister ever bother finding out the real truth? Nope, she persisted in perpetuating this half truth and still persists in telling this story to this day, almost 50 years later. Yes, she is as narcissistic as my father. So while she was right, I was sleeping from 8am to 2pm and she was right in that I was out all night. What wasn't told was the fact that I was working. I wasn't out partying. She always neglects that part. To her I was a party girl.
But this story involves my daughter and her mother-in-law. Daughter thinks that her mother-in-law is naive and doesn't realize that the things she does or says are not right. I have always thought differently. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts on her mother-in-law are skewed by my past and I am just not trusting enough. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt numerous times until I finally just gave up. She would systematically undermine me at every step.
My breaking point with this person came this year. I have been physically sick since last November with post-menopausal mastitis with a huge scare that it was breast cancer back. I was on a 2 week course of pretty strong antibiotics at least once a month since November. The end of April I had yet another round of mastitis and went back on the antibiotics (almost 2 weeks earlier than normal). This time I was 7 days into the 14 day course when I started a systemic reaction of a major yeast infection especially in my mouth. I added in a strong probiotic and a fungal medication for that. Within a few days my body shut down. I developed acute pancreatitis. My blood pressure shot up. I basically curled into a ball and just didn't eat (I did drink water) and didn't leave my bed or room. I was like that for a solid 3 months. I remember very little of this time and functioned more like a robot.
How does this illness relate to daughter's mother-in-law? Easy. This person's sister had a kidney transplant this year and daughter's mother-in-law (I will refer to as N from now on), would call me for explanations of all the medical issues that was going on (but if it wasn't that it was always something else). These phone calls came at least 3-4 times a week and never during a time I really had time to talk (she is older and has retired but I am younger and still working full time) but I sucked it up for N because I knew she was worried about her sister.
Then I got sick and was barely functioning. N called me the day after Mother's Day to tell me that my daughter started calling her 'mother' and that my daughter and her son and my only granddaughter called her for Mother's Day .... and she just went on and on and on and on with all the kids do for her. Not something to tell a sick person, and especially one that has problems with the fact that N sees the kids at least every other month with either the kids flying her in (she says) or them coming here and staying with her exclusively and spending very little time with the other grandparents (us). Everything is always with her and son-in-law's side of the family. To me it was the end all. I contained myself though until she brought up her deceased son and started praising him as if he was a saint, I lost it.
This son was not a saint. This son was a menopause oops to 2 full time working parents who were barely talking to each other. This child was left to raise himself. It is no shock at least to me that this kid was into alcohol and drugs from grammar school on. I will admit I have always had a problem with this kid (he was rude and inconsiderate and full of foul nasty language). He was higher than a kite the day he stood up as a groomsman in the wedding of his brother to my daughter. He only graduated from high school after his parents put him into the special needs classes (supposedly diagnosed as a schizophrenic and bipolar with some ADHD thrown in but wouldn't take his medication). I say supposedly he was all that but it didn't come out until after he died (I think as a justification in their minds). Anyway, N started in on me that her son would have been a 'perfect' angel if we had only done his foot surgery that he needed. I had about enough and wanted the conversation to end. Note I was in severe pain so I said that we would never have done surgery on him. He was over 18 and didn't want surgery and blatantly told us he would only do the surgery if we gave him good drugs and kept him supplied with said drugs. We said no. I know N has been told this many times but suddenly it became a bad thing that day. I honestly have no idea what I said to her but all I really wanted was to get her off the phone so I could go to the bathroom and throw up.
N is heavy into the adoration Facebook gives her. She loved posting this type of thing on Facebook. I went to hide her because I was frankly sick of this behavior and I think I unfriended her. No biggie to me. Well it was to her. I never told daughter because I didn't even let daughter know how sick I was. (I didn't know if I would survive either and even at some point made out a will of personal things and planned my whole funeral so I must have known subconsciously I was pretty sick). Then when I had just started feeling better the beginning of June, I learned N was out visiting the kids once again. Daughter never told me. I basically told daughter that since she preferred seeing N and that family more than she wanted to see me, that I had had it and didn't want to see her again unless she devoted as much time with her parents as she did N. I think N picked up on that and decided to 'tell' her son and my daughter what I had said about the son she lost but in reality I don't know when she told them her side of the story, just that it happened before daughter came home because I couldn't visit them in October.
This has caused an estrangement since between daughter and I. I have no idea what daughter and son-in-law were told. I only know that I was very distinctly told I was never ever to mention the son's name ever again. I didn't even bother to tell my side of any story. Daughter wasn't interested. I have my thoughts but again I don't know for sure. But I would hazard a guess that N was livid that daughter and granddaughter chose to see me everyday and was not allowed to make any plans for her or her family. I know that would have pissed her off.
It has been a few weeks now since this all blew up. I try to remember every day to not make a decision based solely on what one person has said. I was reading Proverbs the other day and was reading this: Proverbs 18:17 "The first one to plead his case seems right, Until his neighbor comes and examines him." Every story seems right until you hear the other side. As with my sister. According to her all I did was interfere with her plans because I was sleeping because I was out all night. My story was I was working nights and only had 6 hours to sleep before I worked another 16 hours. There are times when listening to someone's story that you become angry at the injustice of the story and the wrongs committed against the person telling the story. You begin developing sympathy to the story-teller and against the supposed wrong-doer. But how foolish would this be? You need to hear the other side of the story. Until then you only have one side of a story that always has 2 sides. Never ever act after hearing just one side.
N is a social butterfly addicted to adoration. She loves to talk about other people. But we should be careful to not form conclusions based on those words and to treat everybody with the love of God without being partial or passing judgement.
Every story has two sides. Do not act when you hear just one side. Pray instead for wisdom to hear all facts and never judge another. That other person is as human as you are and it is not for you to judge Psalms 130:3 "If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?" Be forgiving of others. Matthew 7:1 "Judge not, that you be not judged."
I know it is hard. I am still struggling. I refuse to rebut N until daughter gives me the benefit of the doubt or actually asks what I said. I pray that I raised her right and someday she will see. I hope I am still alive to see the day but it is N and my daughter who have to greet God for what they did on judgement day. I have my own things to worry about.
I know it is hard. I am still struggling. I refuse to rebut N until daughter gives me the benefit of the doubt or actually asks what I said. I pray that I raised her right and someday she will see. I hope I am still alive to see the day but it is N and my daughter who have to greet God for what they did on judgement day. I have my own things to worry about.
