Me: "How are you? We have decided when we are getting together for Thanksgiving."
MIL: "Well, hopefully my cold sores will go away. Is there anything I should be putting on them? I have them from my mouth all the way to my ear and in my ear and now they are on my nose and up to my hair."
Me: "You have what? What do they look like?"
MIL: "They are cold sores. I know what a cold sore looks like."
Me: "One does not get cold sores in one's ear. So tell me what these things look like? Are they in a line from your mouth to your ear?"
MIL: "Well, then I have an ear infection. And they look like a cold sore starting with a blister then crusting over. Yes they are in a line but the line isn't straight but what does that have to do with anything?"
Me: "When did these 'cold sores' start?"
MIL: "I don't remember - maybe a week or so ago."
Me: "Don't go outside of the house. I will get you an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I think you have shingles."
MIL: "Stop over-reacting. They are cold sores."
Me: "So please tell me when in your 82 years of life that you have ever had cold sores from your mouth to inside your ear - please tell me when you have ever gotten a cold sore on anywhere but on your lips or inside your mouth."
MIL: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Me: "Just do as I say - don't go see your husband - don't go anywhere - don't see anyone until I take you to see the doctor."
MIL: "Well, I have an appointment in the morning with the dentist because a cap fell off so make the doctor appointment for after that."
Me: "Cancel your dentist appointment. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION."
I called the doctor but couldn't get her in for an appointment until Tuesday AM. So I called her to let her know. This conversation happened when I FINALLY got ahold of her later that day.
Me: "Why haven't you been answering your phone? Where have you been?"
MIL: "I needed some things from the store then I went to the senior center for lunch then I went to see dad."
Me: "YOU DID WHAT???? WHAT PART OF DO NOT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? You quite possibly have shingles which is highly contagious."
MIL: "You don't have to treat me like a child."
Me: "Then stop acting like one. You have an appointment with the doctor at 10:40am Tuesday. I will pick you up. Be ready. Do not step a toenail outside of your house until then."
MIL: "Well, I don't have anything else to do since I ran all my errands already."
Next day I pick her up and take her to the doctor. The above picture is the side of her face but in reality it is all over the left side of the face but in strips and along her hair line - definitely not cold sores. Anyway, at the doctor's office we go in the side door where the contagious people go in. We have to ring a doorbell to be let in then we were taken directly to a patient room. MIL thinks we just had special great service and is commenting that they should do this for all visits. I just look at her and say this is because you are contagious. This is because since you are contagious you can't be around other people. This means you are not to go out for any reason unless you are dying or bleeding and then you call an ambulance. She says I am being unreasonable and that she is the one who didn't even get a hug from me. I try again to tell her that she is contagious but she just isn't listening.
The doctor diagnosed her with shingles - she really had all the classic signs except for pain but she did have the earache. As he is examining her, she keeps touching the shingle spots and then other parts of her face (hairline, nose, ear, etc). The doctor tells her in a very nice way to stop doing that - that she is spreading the disease herself to the other spots. She then repeats that she has an earache. He looks in her ear and says you have 4 shingle blisters in your ear. Your eardrum is fine - what you are feeling is the pain from the shingle blisters and redness and a nerve pain.
In true MIL form: "Are you a real doctor?"
Doctor: "As opposed to what? A fake one?"
MIL: "You aren't a nurse are you? Or one of those assistant persons?"
Doctor: "No, I am a real honest to gosh doctor. I went to school and everything."
MIL: "Well, what medicine are you going to give me for my ear infection?"
Doctor: "You don't have an ear infection. But I am going to give you a pill to help make the shingles less painful and possible not have you break out anymore."
MIL: "My DIL (moi) says I can't go anywhere. How big is the pill? I have been putting hot oil in my ear and that makes it feel better."
Doctor: "Your DIL is right. You are contagious. You cannot go anywhere until each of those blisters crusts over which will be 2-3 more weeks. The pill is big but you can break it apart. I do not recommend putting hot oil in your ear. That is an old fashioned remedy but if it makes you feel better to fry your ear, who am I to stop you."
MIL: "2-3 weeks? That is forever. I can't stay away from my husband for that long or be inside. I have things to do."
Me: I look at the doctor, shake my head and say: "Thanks doctor, we will handle her. I will pick up the medicine since I know you have already sent it to the pharmacy."
We get back in the car. I take her to Panera to get her some soup and a couple sandwiches which I know will last her a few days. As we pull up in front of it, she starts to get out of the car. I look at her and tell her to stay in the car. I will get what she wants - that she can't go around anyone because she is contagious.
Her response: "Did he really mean that?"
I give her the look and say: "Yes, now sit down. Sit still. I will be right back."
I get her soups and sandwiches. Then I ask her if she needs anything from the grocery store knowing that she could live off her pantry for years and would just need perishables.
Her response: "You have done enough. If I need something I will run out and get it."
Me: "What part of the doctor telling you that you can't go out of the house did you not understand?"
MIL: "But it will be just a quick trip in and right out. I will be fine."
Me: "It's not you we are concerned about. It is others you are infecting. Now do you need anything?"
MIL: "Just milk."
Me: "Well, does the pharmacy have milk?"
MIL: "Yes, but don't get it if it is over $1.98. And I can go later to get my medicine."
Me: "No you can't. You can't leave your house. We will stop at the pharmacy on the way home and I will pick up your meds and milk then."
I stop at the pharmacy. I go to get out and MIL is opening her door.
Me: "What are you doing?"
MIL: "I am going in to get my medicine."
Me: "Okay I am not going to repeat myself again. DO NOT GET OUT OF THIS CAR UNLESS I TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN. SIT. SIT STILL. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE AND THEN TOUCH ANYTHING IN MY CAR. JUST SIT FOR GOSH SAKE."
MIL: "Okay but don't pay over $1.98 for the milk."
I picked up her medicine and her milk. No it wasn't $1.98. It was $2.28. I got in the car. I thought she was going to have a heart attack with the 30 cents difference so after listening to her for 10 minutes, I got in my purse and gave her 30 cents. She thought I should take the milk back and go to another store to make sure it wasn't cheaper there.
I pull up to her house, get out of the car and tell her she can get out now too. I pick up her medicine, the soups and sandwiches, and the milk and walk her to the house. She lets herself in. I set the things inside the door, then close it.
MIL: "Aren't you coming in?"
Me: "No, I don't want to get shingles. You can manage from here. And just to let you know, I have already called the place where dad is and they are instructed to not allow you in. I have already called your neighbors. They are to call me if you leave the house. Now are you going to stay in or do I need to take your car keys?"
MIL: "I can't even go visit dad?"
Me: "Absolutely not. He is 91 and frail. He can't afford to get sick. You are not to visit him until we say you can. You are not to go ANYWHERE for ANYTHING unless we say you can."
MIL: "But he will notice I am not there."
Me: "Mom, he will not notice anything beyond a 2 minute time period if you are lucky. He won't even know you haven't been there. If you want, you can call him but you cannot under any circumstances visit him or you will kill him."
MIL: "Are you sure that doctor was right? I can't believe I have shingles."
Me: "Well you do. Get used to it. I have to go. Don't leave this house unless you call me first."
MIL: "Okay okay." I start to walk to the car. She tries to bring me back to hug her. I once again tell her I can't hug her and that she can hug that stuffed dog that barks that she got.
So on the 45 minute drive home, I finally get ahold of her next door neighbor and let them know what is going on. They report that she left in her car not 5 minutes ago. This means that as soon as I was down the road, she went and got in her car and left the house.
I tell the neighbor to call me when she gets home. He does and I tell him to disable her car in some way and I will distract her by calling her. I have him on my cell phone and her on the home phone so he can hear when I am talking to her (a distraction so he can disable her car without her knowing or hearing).
I calmly ask her where she has been.
MIL: "Why I have been right here."
Me: "Really? I have been calling you and you didn't answer. So where did you go?"
MIL: "What do you have a spy camera watching me?"
Me: "No, you have nosy neighbors who called me the minute you left. Now where did you go?"
MIL: "I went to visit dad to let him know I can't visit him."
Me: "Did you listen to what you just said? He won't even remember 2 minutes after you told him anyway. Plus I told you not to go see him."
MIL: "Well, thanks to you, they wouldn't let me in. They told me to go back home."
Me: "Good - at least SOMEONE listens to me. Now DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR ANYTHING, NOT EVEN THE MAIL. YOUR NEIGHBOR WILL DELIVER IT TO YOUR FRONT STEP AND CALL YOU TO GET IT."
So I hear the neighbor say okay done and I end the conversation with MIL. I started taking bets with her 2 sons and my kids on how long it will take her to realize her car won't work. I said 2 hours.
I won. She says she is going to disinherit me. I said "that's fine. I didn't want any of your money anyway. Now stay inside and get better."
Did I also mention that if I told her once I must have told her a zillion times not to touch her hands to her face then touch me or anything in my car? I was beginning to question who has the dementia. I think at one point I also threatened her with going into a nursing home. I know she told me that I didn't have that power. I said just push me a bit more and we shall see who has the power.
Oh and after I left her house, I emptied a whole can of lysol spray in the car and all surfaces. When hubs got home later, he emptied another whole can of lysol spray in the car.
oy vey!
