Memories - 1 year anniversary

Tomorrow will be the 1st anniversary of my mother's death. I miss her. I have seen over the past year that it was her that did hold my brothers and sisters together. Without her we have floundered. We have all grieved different. As the oldest and the scapegoat of the family, I am stand alone in my grief. Tomorrow we commemorate her loss once again...actually the 12th time now. My presence is demanded. I don't quite know how other families have coped but it doesn't seem mine is coping well. I often wonder since she was the glue that held us together if that is the reason we keep holding these get togethers, and until we can find some other reason to be together, my sisters and brother will continue this commemoration process. Her birthday is coming up in May and we are required once again to make an appearance at my father's home for mass at 6:30am to commemorate her birthday. I will not be there. This is my last.

I think this is wrong. While everyone grieves differently, keeping alive my mother's memory alive and demanding we get together to remember her I don't think is the way to do it.

My father is the one who is demanding our presence. I don't understand the why of this yet as he has a girlfriend already and has even taken off his wedding ring. I know quite a few of my sisters have not fully grieved but I also don't feel we need to have hysterical crying every single time we are all together. We didn't get together this many times in one year before. Why now? Why is he lying to me, telling me no one else is going to be there, yet is telling each of us the same? Why is he throwing the guilt onto us? Why are we bowing to him? Wish I had the answers.

So while I feel my father's grief, I still am leery of who he is and how he fits into my life. He was my abuser. I have forgiven him but forgiving does not mean forgetting. He seems to be able to guilt me into showing up regardless of what is going on in my life. I am going tomorrow but am not staying the whole day. I am also not going to another commemoration. I think we have had enough. Those who have not accepted my mom's death can continue to do what they are doing. I no longer am going to live in the past.

I love you mom and miss you!

"If you were once connected with someone, does it make sense that the connection is broken just because of a physical death? No, the connection stays. You may just have to listen differently. You may just have to talk differently. The truth is: the connection is never broken. It's quite impossible to break the most powerful connection in the universe. As long as you exist, the connection stays."
~Chris Collins

Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.
~Anonymous

I thought that I would miss you so, and never find my way.
And then I heard the angel say "She's with you every day."
"The sun, the moon, the wind, the stars, will forever be around,
reminding you of the love you shared, and the peace she's finally found."
~Anonymous