Family - Blood vs Those You Choose

Every single time I call my father or talk to 5 out of 6 of my siblings, I wonder why I bother. Today was no different.

Before my mother died I actually tried to have very little contact with my father. I was my mom's POA and I would drive down in the mornings just to help her with her bath or getting dressed or do things for her - things she didn't want my father to do for her. I should also say my mother was the glue that somehow melded all of us different people together. She was our rock - the person each of us turned to - the person who was the only parent who was always there for us - the person who we all would call and let know what was going on in our lives and she in turn passed the information around to the rest of us.

But she passed away and the family fell apart. I question at times whether or not we were really a family in the truest sense of the word to begin with because we all should be there for each other especially in hard times. But no, not my family. My baby sister and I stayed in each other's lives. My brother and 2 other sisters were deep in each other's lives. The middle sister alternated between the split family, still trying to be the peacemaker and take over for my mother.

My father? He started telling strange tales about how he was a part of some secret group of the government and had been for a long time. As oldest I questioned this because if he had this secret job, there sure was no money in said job. We were dirt poor. My mother took in ironing for people and between my mom, me, and the next oldest sister, we would iron for 2-4 hours every night. My mother never really learned to cook so most cleaning and cooking responsibilities were left to me the oldest. My father was never around although him saying it was because of this secret job is a bit much. He read water meters or worked construction or odd jobs or as a short order cook when not teaching.

Although he wasn't physically around most of the time, when he was, it was his way or the highway, no questions asked. He was a tyrannical, narcissistic, angry, physically and emotionally abusive man. It was how he was raised. It was how he raised us. He was an alcoholic on top of that. My mother left him once and he vowed to her to quit the drinking and so we went back. The drinking might have stopped but nothing else did. I think the last time he physically laid a hand on me was when I was 22. I had walked out at age 18 and didn't go back home until I was 22. Ironically I did something (who knows what besides exist) that set him off and he erupted. I think I looked at him square in the eye and said you are never to do that again or I will call the cops. I left.

As I said, I was rarely around my father without my mother around. She intervened. But without her physically here anymore, my relationship with my father deteriorated just a few days after she died. I couldn't seem to be able to do anything right and I took the cowardice way out and just left. I returned for the funeral.

Within 6 months my father took off his wedding ring and began dating. 6 months later he found what he said was the true love of his life. He married her 2 years after my mother's death. At first, she seemed okay. She made my father happy. At the time I found it kind of ironic that a woman who was a widower herself but she never had children would marry a man with 6 children plus 6 spouses, 19 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren. For someone who never wanted a family, she sure married into one.

But I digress. She met us in spurts but twice a year we all get together or used to. She seemed to ruin that too. She couldn't tolerate any noise or any kids crying or playing and she couldn't tolerate anyone helping her in the kitchen yet she couldn't handle cooking for us either. So instead of joining in, she would retire to her room and never speak to anyone. This worked. We still managed to get along although the continental divide was drifting further and further apart.

It has now been 6 years since my mother's death and 4 years since my father's remarriage. The peacemaker sister let on last week that my father was having Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas at the house we grew up in. So I called to see if he had tried to call me. Ummmmm no he had not. In the background, his wife was yelling at him, saying if that was me then she wasn't invited and to just hang up. I did it for him. I said goodbye and hung up.

No more family for me. Instead it will be family that is of my heart not my blood. People I choose to allow in my life. This has been a long time coming. Interesting enough, I feel light and more at peace than ever before.

Good bye toxic people who are blood related. Hello friends who are more family to me than my blood family ever thought of being.

The Latest Rage: GoFundMe Accounts

According to Wikipedia: GoFundMe is a crowdfunding platform that allows people to raise money for events ranging from life events such as celebrations and graduations to challenging circumstances like accidents and illnesses.

All I know is there is a GoFundMe account set up for just about anything and everything. Yesterday before it was taken down, there was actually an account set up for a person suspected of murder and was on the run when he was in a shootout in OK.

People are asking for money for vacations, for plastic surgery, for parents of children who have cancer to pay for special gifts for the child, for micro-preemies so their parents can be at the hospital instead of working, etc. Those are just some that I have seen. So when is it ok to set up a GoFundMe account?

IMHO never. I abhor the thought of asking anyone let alone strangers to give me money. What happened to accountability? What happened to paying for things yourself? Yes, you might have to eat at home and not go out every night. Yes, you tighten your belt and get rid of unnecessary expenses. Yes, you eliminate extra Christmas presents.

So you ask why I should care or why am I coming down on maybe some needed recipients? Well, one of the biggest reasons was someone I know. A brother of one of the people I know started a GoFundMe account for his brother and wife and their micro-preemie, supposedly to help pay for medical care and to allow the parents to not work and be with their baby. What the fund did not tell you was that the baby didn't need medical care - the baby was automatically on the state's Public Aid program just because it was born at 22 weeks. The mother ironically works at the hospital where the baby was born and in the NICU where the baby was at. She was allowed to work and be there for her child while being assigned other children. She did not have to take off work. The father had just started his 6th job in just one year. Of course he had to be with the baby, right?

This family that I speak of above raised their family's Christmas present limit from $25.00 to $100.00. In lieu of purchasing presents that are unneeded at that limit why not sponsor a family in need locally. One I know. One picked by qualified social workers as needy. Not someone who is using that collected money for cute outfits for the baby, etc. Also did you realize that the person who starts the account actually controls the account? Do you know how many people who started accounts took the money themselves?

Here is another look at these GoFundMe accounts - people you need to be aware you are probably being duped:
GoFundMe - a great way to scam another

Celebrating 37 years of Marriage

If you’re not happy as a single person, you won’t be happy as a married person. Marriage was not invented as a means of solving all your personal issues. 

I just came across an article that had these lines in it. They are soooooo true. It's funny because in 7th and 8th grade I swore I wanted to be a nun. I was really angry at my parents for not allowing me to enter the noviate for high school. I dated exactly 2 guys in high school. One was clearly in love with another person but was younger than she was. I am glad they finally decided to get together after high school. They had a very happy life together. The other guy I got engaged to. That is until I got the "Dear Jane" letter my senior year 2 weeks before prom. So instead of running away with him and eloping, I went to college. I dated on and off during college but instead of finding the love of my life, I found a lot of friends, some of which were platonic friends for 7 years! 

I was never worried though about meeting the man of my dreams. I was busy. I was going to college full time days graduating with 2 Bachelor degrees and 2 minors while working full time nights at a nursing home, working another nursing home on weekends, worked in the college's cafeteria daily, and cleaned model homes in my spare time. My transition from college to grad school didn't change much except now I was attending grad school in the morning, worked the PM shift as a nurse, and added waitressing on weekends along with getting in grad school working at their hospital too. 

I was a bad date. I would go out with a guy and if he asked for another date, my usual answer was I might be free in a month. No guy wants to hear that and honestly, I didn't care if I saw that guy again or not. I had 3 guys I was super close to as friends (I remember kissing one of them and both of us pulling away saying "YUCK" because it felt like I was kissing my brother). 

I worked in the CCU/ICU unit. One night I called a code and this resident showed up. He stood there like a deer in headlights. I asked him if he could write. I think he said yes. I said good then record what is going on as I am saying it. He asked for paper. I rolled my eyes and said, "See that long strip coming out of the monitor? Write on that at the time I tell you to." I paid him no more attention. I was busy. The doctor finally showed up and I gave him a list of what I had already done and he decided to call the code saying "Time of death 9:08pm". I looked over to the resident who was still standing there with his mouth open. I rolled my eyes and asked him if he recorded everything. He nodded. I said good and he could leave. He actually chose to stay.

We talked after as I was preparing the body for family. He stayed through my writing everything that happened down. I was ready for report so he left. I never got his name but the other 10 residents who would hang out in the unit would stop by and say how much I intimidated him and finally gave me his name. They all thought we would make a good couple. I said I didn't have time and basically he had not left a good impression on me. He started coming to the unit when he was on duty overnight and if I had time, I taught him how all about the monitors, medications, protocols, etc. We had a comfortable mutual respect for each other and our intellect. It was the first time I had met someone I felt was on my level.

3 months later he asked me out. I had just switched hospitals because I had to put in more hours for grad school working specific areas and was working days. I agreed to go to a movie and dinner. I asked him to meet me at my apartment at 5pm. Well, I got there at 5 - there had been 3 codes that day shift and I had done 4 admissions into the ICU. I had been puked on and had blood all over me and basically looked like crap and figured he had long left. I wasn't worried because frankly I was looking forward to taking a shower and going to bed since I had to be back at the hospital in 12 hours. Nope, he was there waiting on me. He took one look at me and said bad day? I said yep. I said I need to take a shower but you can come on up to my apartment. He did. I didn't even stop to think I had 2 cats or know if he was a cat person because my cats were not always friendly. But he got along with them fine. We made the movie but never made dinner. Frankly I fell asleep during the movie (James Bond "The Spy Who Loved Me"). That was September. Our next date was December. Our next date was for the Auto Show in Chicago. We managed to see each other at least 1-2 days a week after and that Christmas, he proposed. 2 years and 2 months from the date we met, we were married.

Overcontrolling Adult Children

We have all heard about parents who over control their children. But rarely have we heard about children who try to control their parents. This post will be about those children.

In my case, everyone already knows I had an alcoholic, emotionally abusing, and emotionally abusing father with a passive agressive mother who passed away in 2010. Basically my father has moved on - new wife - and only accepting 4 of his 6 children into their lives. My baby sister and I were the 2 not chosen but it is something that is not new to either of us. We have lived our whole lives like that. We escaped a controlling father by refusing to be a part of his manipulations.

As we age, we look forward to getting married, having children, having grandchildren. We went out of our way to try and not control our children. We encouraged them to have goals and reach for their goals. We didn't care what they did in life just that they did something. We put no pressure on them. Now I am wondering if that is the wrong approach.

My husband and I are going through a financial crisis right now but that is nothing new in healthcare. He is 65 and I am 62. We both chose being in the medical field and pursued the education to allow us to be in that field. In my husband's case, that meant 4 years of medical school after college, then internship, then residency. We married a year after his residency. The ups and downs of never knowing what your income will be day to day, week to week, month to month is well known in this field unless you are in it for the wrong reasons. We are in it because both of us love being able to help others. We may not run it as much as a business as we should but we are happy.

Son-in-law who never finished college and keeps drifting every few years from job to job but staying in the IT area, just does not understand this mind set. His parents had very steady incomes (father is an accountant and although drifted from job to job, had an income that could be counted on at any time. His mother was a physical therapy aide who never finished college either because she got pregnant with her first child). So son-in-law is child #2 or the first child from that marriage. They had another girl then 10 years later had a change of life boy. That boy was a drug addict and dealer. He ran away at 19 and ended up deceased in a cornfield. There wasn't enough left of him to have answers to any questions if this was accidental or a homicide. They will never know. This boy ran away from home because he was being told what to do and what to be and his last fight was with our son-in-law who pushed his brother to take flight. I think he thought he was taking control of his brother where the child had no control at all from his parents. But it backfired.

Now son-in-law has turned to us and has turned our daughter against us. We paid for daughter's college and 40 thousand dollar wedding. We did it by my taking on billing for a psychotic doctor who I had the pleasure of dumping after I knew all bills had been paid. Husband and I paid for their wedding and college although we strongly feel now like changing our will to deduct what we paid from any inheritance they get and thus giving more to our son who is going out of his way to help. They are also withholding contact with our only grandchild.

Both my husband and I politely talked to daughter and son-in-law and stated they had no right to interfere in our lives just as we have no right to interfere in their lives. It is called mutual respect. But there was to be no more telling us what we should do or not do or how they think our lives should be. That would be no different than us doing it to them. We never have and we do not plan on starting now. But if they ever decide to 'talk' to us again in the same manner, they should expect us to politely hang up the phone as we will not tolerate it at all.

I think we allowed our daughter to have too much control and now the moment she gets upset over anything, it is being picked up by her husband that he has to interfere. All I have to say is good luck.

Kissing Relatives on the Mouth

Victoria Beckham made news recently about a photo where she was kissing her daughter straight on her lips. The internet world is a'flutter with this. Personally I don't see a problem if said child is young. Over a certain age, I do have a problem with it. That age would be determined between parent and child. Some children don't like it earlier than other children. But by the time they are a teen, I think it is wrong.

My father who is almost 83 still tries to kiss me straight on the lips. I think that is just gross. This is the mentally and physically abusive alcoholic father who is doing this. The father who has never said "I love you" to me and instead calls me "slut" "bitch" "you are just like your mother" etc yet for some unknown icky reason he wants to kiss me on the lips. NO THANK YOU.

I am actually a touchy feely type of person but NO ONE except my husband and now my granddaughter are allowed to have their lips touch mine. No one. No brother, sister, brother-in-law, mother-in-law, friend, etc. My lips are mine. I dictate who touches them.

To me it is a personal thing. I do not have sex thoughts when I kissed my children or I kiss my granddaughter. Kisses to them were just that - kisses. I agree with Mrs. Beckham - stop the mommy-shaming!

Begging in Today's World aka Go Fund Me

I am sure if you are on any social media, you will have heard of what a Go Fund Me account is. It is the new buzz word that to me is pure begging but in today's world.

I will state that some of those accounts are legitimate BUT yeah........HUGE BUT......a whole lot of them are not.

My husband and I lost our jobs in May of 2015. Do you see me with an account? Did you know there are people on there who have accounts that want you to pay for their plastic surgery or send them on a vacation?

My problem with it became highlighted with a friend whose son was just diagnosed with medulloblastoma - a nasty usually fatal brain tumor. She asked for funds to help send them to St Jude's while he had treatment and to pay for the costs of staying there and feeding the family. I found out today that they never went - they changed their minds when their insurance stated it wouldn't pay for them to go there (they had Medicaid) and instead are staying at home and the boy is going to continue to receive treatment at a children's center in their area. So my thoughts were maybe they closed their Go Fund Me Account.......well no they didn't. They didn't even put a notice on there that plans had changed. They keep the account updated but with information that is happening in the state they live in instead of where people think they are. Do they need the money? No. Medicaid is covering 100%. Do I feel bad for the child and what they are going through? Huge yes but not enough to donate money to them. I withdrew my donation. Thankfully I had gone in under anon.

My niece on the other hand.......yes she has an account that was started by her husband's brother for their daughter who frankly, should never have been born. I am Catholic. I believe life begins at conception. BUT there is also viability. My great niece was born at 23 weeks and just registered a little over a pound. But since the mother was an NICU nurse they elected to do anything possible to keep this baby alive. The chances that the baby will live? 10%. The chances this child if it does live, will have long term health problems? 98%. The baby was delivered with no breath sounds. The nurses and doctors put the child on a ventilator where she still is on. She has just now a month later, gained to her original birth weight. Oh - big news - she opened her eyes. Ummmm she has no retinas - no vision. She may or may not develop those but chances are she won't since she hasn't been off oxygen since birth. She has a heart defect. She was supposed to have surgery today. The mother's sister lives not 15 minutes away from the hospital she was transferred to have the surgery. And just because an uncle felt sorry for what the family is going through, he started a Go Fund Me Account for them to help defray their expenses (medical and housing). Okay....medical: micro-preemies immediately are put onto state social security benefits so this 1 pound baby is able to get benefits before an adult. Oh what a messed up system that is. No housing is needed - they are staying at her sister's house. So why do they need money? Do you know that in the week since this account was opened, they have raised over 100 grand?

I am sitting here shaking my head wondering why the world is so messed up that it chooses to save this baby and pour money to her and her family when I am sitting here without a job, no health insurance, barely money for food................please don't tell me to feel bad because of the baby. I know they made that choice because I had to make that choice with my husband when I was spontaneously going into labor with my 4th child. He was 23 weeks too. We chose to let him decide and to see what happens after he was born. He was born breathing but having a hard time. With all the risks and problems facing him and you could tell he was in pain, my husband and I chose to let God take him. We got to hold him for an hour before he passed into God's hands.

But no way in any way shape or form would I start a Go Fund Me account. What happened to taking responsibility for your decisions? I don't know what this world is coming to.

Facebook Supposedly Professional Groups

I don't know how many of you are on a Facebook group but I belong to several. Some are open groups - the high school I went to; and some are closed groups - professional ones, romance reading group, long time friends, and one for my family to relay news, etc.

I used to belong to several 'Garage Sale' groups but found the people in there to be rude with inappropriate language and the articles they were posting for sale weren't worth the price they were asking. I dropped the 4 groups I was in.

I actually never had a problem with any group but the garage sales groups. All I had to do is notify Facebook of anyone with a foul mouth or inappropriate behavior and I would block those people and make them disappear from my vision. They didn't exist.

I had joined a couple medical billing groups. They were run by a narcissistic controlling bi-polar person who I barely tolerated. Since she was an administrator, it was hard to ignore her. I couldn't block her. Nothing worked so I left her groups.

I was asked to join a couple of professional medical billing boards with people who like me wanted to be in a billing group to run ideas and problems with in the day to day business of doing what we do. Two people I respected were the administrators so I joined. It has been a very peaceful and cooperative board with interactions that showed respect and all had contributions. We would see another's opinion of something we had going on and troubleshoot as a group to find answers. It was just what I had wanted.

It was too good to be true. About a month ago a male entered this female group and started causing trouble. If he disagreed with you, he would blast you with private messages. I have my Facebook closed down so while he could not PM me instantly I got messages that I had messages to review. As I was reading through them, the more vile they became. I turned him into the administrators and blocked him. They were supposed to kick him out of the group. I had him blocked so I didn't know he had not gone away.

The last 2 days the tone of the group has turned into a swearing cussing group. It is either masked swearing (but you know what they are saying) or blatant swearing. It isn't directed to any person directly but to their clients. Yes, you doctors out there, your billers are talking about you and it isn't in a very nice way.

I will never state that I do not swear but there is a time and place. A professional group is not the time or place no matter how frustrated we are. Today a post was made and every other word typed by this 65 year old owner of a billing agency was either a quote from the Bible or a strong bar cuss word. There were a few I had never heard of.

That was not appropriate. I PM'd the administrators. I got no response. So I posted a response to her asking her to please stop the swearing - that this was a professional board and thus her language should be toned down. Her reply was negative. Others? Followed in her footsteps. So I PM'd the administrators again and said either take care of it or I was turning this into Facebook. The administrator's reply? I will post something to let people know it is not appropriate. That was 4 hours ago. I know she is still up because she is still posting. Has this post shown up? NO!

So tomorrow I will turn this group into Facebook. One can make a point without swearing. One can make a point without being harassed for making a point or being bullied into leaving a professional group because I think they should be professional and to have the board return to what and why it was founded to begin with.

Bullies are all over. Administrators just turn a blind eye. This is what our world is now? Doctors - you should see how your name is being taken in vain by the very people you are entrusting your PHI and your patient's PHI with. Me? I wouldn't trust them with anything.

Death of a Child - Commemorations From Guilt

This post is an expression of my opinion on how long one should publicly mourn a child.

A friend's son ran away from home March 8th, 2011. He was a troubled child and honestly I was not surprised he hadn't done something to himself earlier. Typical change of life child whose parents gave him little of their time and he acted out because of it. He was rude and vulgar - 1000 times more than a typical teen. He was angry and didn't trust anyone especially if anything wasn't directed at him whether or not it was positive or negative. His parents had given up on him years before. To say he actually graduated from high school would be putting it mildly. He was constantly in trouble and was selling and using drugs. Most of any time I encountered him, he was high.

I lost 2 children myself (in-utero) and had a brother who died next to me in a car (brick hit him in a bad thunderstorm). I have had friends who lost children from cancer, accidents, etc. I have worked hospice so I know about the grieving process.

But March 8th was not the day he died. They actually don't know the day he died. He called and left a message that he was on his way to Florida. For someone going south, presumably by expressway from Illinois because it would be the fastest, then why was his car found running on a country road going north in a small town in Indiana? Why wasn't he with his car? He had been chased by police - supposedly for speeding. What was left of him was found almost 3 months later in the middle of a cornfield. Oh, they have a vigil for him on the day they found him, and on March 8th, and on his birthday, and even set a place for him at their table. They speak of him as if he was this perfect wonderful person.

I can't do it. Even for friendship. He was a really nasty boy. I just cannot be a party to the pedestal his parents and relatives have elevated him to. I can't bring myself to attend their 'parties' they hold for him. He is deceased. He is no longer with us. I wouldn't have attended any parties for him when he was alive so why should I when he is dead?

In my opinion, the reason they can't get past his death is guilt. And that is just plain wrong.

Teachers - Overpaid or Underpaid

As the daughter of a teacher, I was always led to believe teachers are underpaid. I grew up and realized this was not true.

Annual teacher's salary: according to BLS, the average secondary US school teacher earns an annual salary of $56.760.00, has 23 days of paid vacation, 13 sick days, and earns an additional of $25,000.00 in additional benefits. BUT wait! That teacher only works 9 months a year. They usually arrive to work one hour before school starts and leave 30 minutes after school ends and usually have a one hour lunch meaning they actually work 7 hours including lunch. Plus they get off for over 20 holidays per year on top of 2 days off at Thanksgiving, 2 weeks off at Christmas, 1 week off for spring break, working an average of 195 days per year. Oh and that sick time and vacation time can accumulate over the years enabling retirement 2-5 years AFTER they have actually worked. They get full pension set at the salary they are getting when they retire. This has resulted in many teachers going into the management arena to double their retirement income making the average retirement income of over $100,000.00 very common.

Who really thinks teachers are underpaid? I sure do.

Happy New Year - Cheaters

This is getting too redundant. Yep, they are at it again. It's funny that every time I post about people who cheat when playing the game Words With Friends, they don't cheat for 2-3 games. So I am hoping this works again because otherwise I will be the one dumping them. They can go cheat with someone else!

But please, do not use words you have no idea what they mean. It is ignorant. It just shows you are cheating and that isn't a good taste to leave with someone you call a friend.

New words the past month or so:

whipt - you got whipped so it got shortened? I figured to probably meant some kind of whipping based on the derivative and I wasn't too far off: it means to beat with a strap, lash, rod, or the like, especially by way of punishment or chastisement. But I can guarantee this was not a high school word which is her education.

ziram - is this a drink? a game? Nope - the real definition is a chemical that is used as an agricultural fungicide to control and prevent the spread of fungal infections. Now again, this is not a high school word and she has never been to a farm nor would have anything to do with a farm.    

quoit - maybe a fruit? Nope - I wasn't even close. It has its roots in ancient Greece as a game which involves throwing of metal, rope, or rubber rings over a set distance, usually to land over or near a spike. Today's horseshoes is a quoit.

spaed - is this the new spelling for a female dog getting spayed? Nope, wrong again.  It is a simple past tense and past participle of spae which means to prophesy, foretell, or predict.

quaich - are you thirsty and need to be quenched? Hey, I wasn't far off. It is a Scottish term for a shallow drinking cup, typically made of wood and having 2 handles.

mho - I can only think this is an acroynym. My humble opinion? Nope.....wasn't even close. It is the reciprocal of an ohm which is a former unit of electrical conductance. Ok then. I think I like My Humble Opinion a whole lot better!

brent - a male name? Nope - it means the leading global price benchmark for Atlantic basin crude oils. It is used to price two thirds of the world's internationally traded crude oil supplies. Okay....learned something new....but I thought they traded by barrels.      

xenia - maybe a movie about an outer space goddess? Ok again, not too far off because there was a movie with the name of Xenia. But in reality it is the ancient Greek concept of hospitality, the generosity and courtesy shown to those who are far from home and/or associates of the person bestowing guest-friendship.  

nonet - none with a t on the end? Actually I should have gotten this one since it relates to music. It means a group of nine people or things, especially musicians.  

All I have to say is: do not use a word playing against me in Words for Friends if you have no clue what said word means. That is cheating plain and simple. And then don't sit and tell me that you know these words when you are going against a person whose IQ is triple yours because you are definitely not worth anything nor a friendship with me.