Death of a Child - Commemorations From Guilt

This post is an expression of my opinion on how long one should publicly mourn a child.

A friend's son ran away from home March 8th, 2011. He was a troubled child and honestly I was not surprised he hadn't done something to himself earlier. Typical change of life child whose parents gave him little of their time and he acted out because of it. He was rude and vulgar - 1000 times more than a typical teen. He was angry and didn't trust anyone especially if anything wasn't directed at him whether or not it was positive or negative. His parents had given up on him years before. To say he actually graduated from high school would be putting it mildly. He was constantly in trouble and was selling and using drugs. Most of any time I encountered him, he was high.

I lost 2 children myself (in-utero) and had a brother who died next to me in a car (brick hit him in a bad thunderstorm). I have had friends who lost children from cancer, accidents, etc. I have worked hospice so I know about the grieving process.

But March 8th was not the day he died. They actually don't know the day he died. He called and left a message that he was on his way to Florida. For someone going south, presumably by expressway from Illinois because it would be the fastest, then why was his car found running on a country road going north in a small town in Indiana? Why wasn't he with his car? He had been chased by police - supposedly for speeding. What was left of him was found almost 3 months later in the middle of a cornfield. Oh, they have a vigil for him on the day they found him, and on March 8th, and on his birthday, and even set a place for him at their table. They speak of him as if he was this perfect wonderful person.

I can't do it. Even for friendship. He was a really nasty boy. I just cannot be a party to the pedestal his parents and relatives have elevated him to. I can't bring myself to attend their 'parties' they hold for him. He is deceased. He is no longer with us. I wouldn't have attended any parties for him when he was alive so why should I when he is dead?

In my opinion, the reason they can't get past his death is guilt. And that is just plain wrong.