How Not To Be Father of the Year

If anyone actually reads this blog they know I have problems with my family. Pretty much always have and understand I always will. I also recognize that my mother kept us together acting like a family and when she died that died with her.

I have always been the scapegoat of the family, the black sheep, the one who chose to be who I am and not who they want me to be. I am a person with my own ideas and values. I do not believe in going to a family function where I am not invited. Maybe that is old fashioned but when I only find out about the function after it has happened, you will not get a gift. Don't expect one.

As I said. I understand who I am and I accept who I am. My siblings and I are divided. I accept that. There are 6 of us. Two of us )my baby sister and I) get along great. My brother and 2 of my sisters get along and hang together and dictate everything from what we are eating when we get together to when we get together to who gets invited, etc. The middle sister alternates between the 2 groups trying to be the peacemaker. My father is of no use even though he is remarried. The woman who married my father never had children so she has absolutely no clue but tends to side with the one group (not my baby sis or me).

My father gets on my case if I haven't been to a family function even though I might not have ever known about it. I can tell him that but I am a liar because he has been told I was notified or invited. Last week I walked into my granddaughter's 4th birthday party and he and his wife were there. They were at the end of a long picnic table so it took me a while to reach it. According to him that was wrong because I should have acknowledged him first. Tough.

I was invited to go to lunch with my father and his wife and 2 of my sisters for Father's Day. Well, I have always given the honor of choosing what we do to my husband. He chose instead to go for a final walk through of his parent's house with his brother and his mother then visit his father's grave then we would come home and have dinner. We had a great day doing this although it was a little sad for him to say good-by to the house he spent almost 21 years in and his father built. At the end of the evening, I called my father to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Not even saying thank you, he immediately launched into me for not attending his lunch and then proceeded to tell me that I looked like I had gained 100 pounds. Well, I haven't, I wore a top that day that I have been unable to wear for over 2 years. I was kind of proud of that. I stated I had not gained any weight but had been losing but it really wasn't any of his business. I went on to say that it might look like I have since I was growing my hair out so the length is currently almost shoulder length so tends to fatten the face instead of being short and above my ears. Oh he wasn't finished. He went on to say I haven't colored my hair and it looked like shit. I told him that I was 63 and therefore have gray and white sprinkled with brown and blonde and that I have not ever colored my hair. What he might have seen was our well water was filled with a lot of rust from iron pipes 400 some feet down. We replaced the iron with PVC over 2 years ago so I no longer have mineral or rust buildup in my hair. He said I was lying.

I said well, birth father, Happy Father's Day!

I then went to attend to a real father - my husband!

Family Gift Exchanges

I don't know how other families work it but in our family there is a family gift exchange. We used to separate the kids from the adults. Let me note here there are 44 in the family now. The original 6 of us siblings plus 5 spouses. Then there is my father and his wife. Next is 23 grandkids with their spouses, and finally the 8 great grandkids. Quite a group now.

We only see each other twice a year - once at Christmas and the other mid-summer for a weekend. Back to Christmas. So as I said before we used to separate the kids from the adults and had 2 exchanges until the number of adults exceeded the number of kids under 18 so we decided to put all the names into a hat and do a total exchange. When my mother was alive she handled this and our limit was set at $25.00. Yes one could go over by a little but no more than $5.00 max. If you found a bargain and the price ended up to be $15 instead of $25.00 that was fine as long as the price of the gift was $25.00.

My mother passed away in 2010. Much has changed. I wanted to keep it the same price because I felt this was a 'side' gift and should never trump what was spent by either a parent or grandparent. Nope, didn't have a say in this! Actually it was voted on without my knowledge. I didn't approve. I had seen gift prices creeping up over the years and the problem was the kids were excited to get certain people's names but not mine because I spent what was pre-determined. Then I noticed a pattern. Gift prices were up to $50-$100 and the same people got the same people. With 44 of us, how is that possible to continuously get the same people without cheating. Once I drew a 10 year old's name and she went to her mother and I ended up with who her mother had and the kid got one of the people who spends the $100.00.

Now I spend a max of $100 per child and our grandchild. Period. I don't feel the gift giving/opening presents should encompass an all day thing and in our family it does. Each person opens their present in age order and we all ohhh and ahhhh over it then it is on to the next person. Do that 44 times and you have added 4 hours to the day. Now add a full turkey and ham dinner and dishes and prep and you have another 4 hours. Way too long to have any time to interact between other members of the family that live in other states.

I am so tired of the crap going on in the family that I had already taken my name out of the drawing. My sister and her family did too. Part of her family made it to dinner. Our daughter went but the rest of us were all sick with the flu so we didn't go. Have no idea what went on but guess the person who married my father basically said she didn't want his kids in HER house anymore. Ummm.....she lives there since she is married to my father. But that house is already in trust to us kids. It is not her house. I heard she changed locks (my dad didn't even know about it and was pissed when he found out).

But I think we are retiring to Colorado and never coming back after my husband's mother passes. There is nothing here left for me anymore. Even our kids want to move there. Gift exchanges? Nope not doing it.