Inspirational Sunday - Living vs Existing

Today's inspirational thoughts are about living vs existing. The stress levels in my life are at an all time high. I am frustrated trying to get things ready for Christmas without taking a day off because I can't. By Friday at noon, all shopping has to be done and wrapped, cookies made, lasagna made, and all carted to MIL's house for their Christmas (dinner is at high noon with presents right after). We are taking off and coming home early so I have to have another meal thought out and prepared for the evening for just the 5 of us. We will then have a gift exchange then go to candlelight service. Christmas day we will be alone but starting the prep for Christmas at my dad's with my entire family and there lies another long story.

I haven't been posting much at all. Frankly I am not only exhausted after working 12 hours 5-6 days a week, but dealing with being non-weight bearing again is really frustrating. Hopping on the left knee that I just had surgery on in July also has flared up the pain there. My one sister then decided to make a difficult Christmas (this is the 1st since my mother died) even more difficult by asking us for our good memories or thoughts of our mother as she is putting it into her Christmas present to each of us. I tried but I couldn't come up with any good memories. All I saw was anger at my sister for being the main reason why I closed by other blog and her contempt to me for my feelings. I wrote 3 draft emails before deleting them and writing a simple 'my feelings and thoughts are private and I intend to keep them that way'.

So right now I am just existing. Day to day, trying to just get through the day until I can crawl back into bed and just elevate my leg and go to sleep. I know it can be seen in my eyes and in my actions and in my lack of action. I am only about just trying to get done what needs to be done. Emotionally and physically I can't handle anything else.

This is what I have to change for myself. I know that. I have to take back control of my life and make my changes....instead of letting them run over me. I am trying but just can't get there yet.