Death of a Child - Commemorations From Guilt

This post is an expression of my opinion on how long one should publicly mourn a child.

A friend's son ran away from home March 8th, 2011. He was a troubled child and honestly I was not surprised he hadn't done something to himself earlier. Typical change of life child whose parents gave him little of their time and he acted out because of it. He was rude and vulgar - 1000 times more than a typical teen. He was angry and didn't trust anyone especially if anything wasn't directed at him whether or not it was positive or negative. His parents had given up on him years before. To say he actually graduated from high school would be putting it mildly. He was constantly in trouble and was selling and using drugs. Most of any time I encountered him, he was high.

I lost 2 children myself (in-utero) and had a brother who died next to me in a car (brick hit him in a bad thunderstorm). I have had friends who lost children from cancer, accidents, etc. I have worked hospice so I know about the grieving process.

But March 8th was not the day he died. They actually don't know the day he died. He called and left a message that he was on his way to Florida. For someone going south, presumably by expressway from Illinois because it would be the fastest, then why was his car found running on a country road going north in a small town in Indiana? Why wasn't he with his car? He had been chased by police - supposedly for speeding. What was left of him was found almost 3 months later in the middle of a cornfield. Oh, they have a vigil for him on the day they found him, and on March 8th, and on his birthday, and even set a place for him at their table. They speak of him as if he was this perfect wonderful person.

I can't do it. Even for friendship. He was a really nasty boy. I just cannot be a party to the pedestal his parents and relatives have elevated him to. I can't bring myself to attend their 'parties' they hold for him. He is deceased. He is no longer with us. I wouldn't have attended any parties for him when he was alive so why should I when he is dead?

In my opinion, the reason they can't get past his death is guilt. And that is just plain wrong.

Teachers - Overpaid or Underpaid

As the daughter of a teacher, I was always led to believe teachers are underpaid. I grew up and realized this was not true.

Annual teacher's salary: according to BLS, the average secondary US school teacher earns an annual salary of $56.760.00, has 23 days of paid vacation, 13 sick days, and earns an additional of $25,000.00 in additional benefits. BUT wait! That teacher only works 9 months a year. They usually arrive to work one hour before school starts and leave 30 minutes after school ends and usually have a one hour lunch meaning they actually work 7 hours including lunch. Plus they get off for over 20 holidays per year on top of 2 days off at Thanksgiving, 2 weeks off at Christmas, 1 week off for spring break, working an average of 195 days per year. Oh and that sick time and vacation time can accumulate over the years enabling retirement 2-5 years AFTER they have actually worked. They get full pension set at the salary they are getting when they retire. This has resulted in many teachers going into the management arena to double their retirement income making the average retirement income of over $100,000.00 very common.

Who really thinks teachers are underpaid? I sure do.

Happy New Year - Cheaters

This is getting too redundant. Yep, they are at it again. It's funny that every time I post about people who cheat when playing the game Words With Friends, they don't cheat for 2-3 games. So I am hoping this works again because otherwise I will be the one dumping them. They can go cheat with someone else!

But please, do not use words you have no idea what they mean. It is ignorant. It just shows you are cheating and that isn't a good taste to leave with someone you call a friend.

New words the past month or so:

whipt - you got whipped so it got shortened? I figured to probably meant some kind of whipping based on the derivative and I wasn't too far off: it means to beat with a strap, lash, rod, or the like, especially by way of punishment or chastisement. But I can guarantee this was not a high school word which is her education.

ziram - is this a drink? a game? Nope - the real definition is a chemical that is used as an agricultural fungicide to control and prevent the spread of fungal infections. Now again, this is not a high school word and she has never been to a farm nor would have anything to do with a farm.    

quoit - maybe a fruit? Nope - I wasn't even close. It has its roots in ancient Greece as a game which involves throwing of metal, rope, or rubber rings over a set distance, usually to land over or near a spike. Today's horseshoes is a quoit.

spaed - is this the new spelling for a female dog getting spayed? Nope, wrong again.  It is a simple past tense and past participle of spae which means to prophesy, foretell, or predict.

quaich - are you thirsty and need to be quenched? Hey, I wasn't far off. It is a Scottish term for a shallow drinking cup, typically made of wood and having 2 handles.

mho - I can only think this is an acroynym. My humble opinion? Nope.....wasn't even close. It is the reciprocal of an ohm which is a former unit of electrical conductance. Ok then. I think I like My Humble Opinion a whole lot better!

brent - a male name? Nope - it means the leading global price benchmark for Atlantic basin crude oils. It is used to price two thirds of the world's internationally traded crude oil supplies. Okay....learned something new....but I thought they traded by barrels.      

xenia - maybe a movie about an outer space goddess? Ok again, not too far off because there was a movie with the name of Xenia. But in reality it is the ancient Greek concept of hospitality, the generosity and courtesy shown to those who are far from home and/or associates of the person bestowing guest-friendship.  

nonet - none with a t on the end? Actually I should have gotten this one since it relates to music. It means a group of nine people or things, especially musicians.  

All I have to say is: do not use a word playing against me in Words for Friends if you have no clue what said word means. That is cheating plain and simple. And then don't sit and tell me that you know these words when you are going against a person whose IQ is triple yours because you are definitely not worth anything nor a friendship with me.

Happy Christmas Eve - Dedicated to Memory of My Mom

Mom, the above says it all. I miss you so much. If you were here and saw what was going on in the family, I know you would be so highly pissed. Pissed that the family you so carefully put together is torn apart by your earthly husband and children and grandchildren. You were always preaching fairness to all but your message somehow didn't reach everyone.

This is the last year your oldest and youngest will participate in family activities. Yes, that is how bad it has gotten. In the 5 years you have been gone, it has gone from bad to worse. There is not anything resembling a family left.

I miss you.

Family Problems

I haven't had time to update this blog. Granddaughter had bacterial pneumonia so I was helping take care of her then I came down with a pretty nasty cold and cough which I still have (don't have strep again though).

Thanksgiving? Well it was interesting and I can honestly say I will never do it again the way we did it this year. Technically I think it would have worked out if son-in-law's family didn't act like my daughter's side of the family weren't there. According to the 30 of them, the 5 of us were not invited and were not family. It was held at daughter's house. She sent evites asking people to bring a dish. Did people bring the dish they said they would? I did. My brother-in-law did. Did son-in-law's family? Nope. We ended up with 3 lousy box stuffing mixes, vegetables that just because they are wrapped in bacon doesn't mean anyone wanted to eat it, my mashed potatoes (10 pounds went like hotcakes) and about 100 desserts. I made a pumpkin pie and pecan pie. BIL made a deep dish apple pie. His family? Store bought cupcakes, cookies, candy, oh and birthday cakes for their family who were having birthdays.

So basically I could eat the turkey and mashed potatoes. I wanted to join my granddaughter in eating a bowl of Rice Krispies - the new Christmas version. I also made whipped cream from scratch. They wanted cool whip.

There wasn't any intermingling. Conversations would stop if I entered a room (I was put in charge of granddaughter who goes where she wants and she didn't want to go anywhere near them). To be honest, she didn't know them. She knew her gramma and her 2 cousins but no one else. They hadn't seen her since last Christmas. You can't make a 2 year old do anything if she doesn't want to.

So who got the whole meal ready? Daughter and I. Who did dishes? Daughter and I. Who cleaned up? Daughter and I.

Yep not doing that again.

More Crazy Words for Words With Friends

Oh yeah, they are at it again. It's funny that every time I post about people who cheat when playing the game Words With Friends, they don't cheat for 2-3 games.

But those 2-3 games gear them up for some good ones. The latest:

jinn - really? is this a slim gym? or some nasty gin?

drest - this one reminds me of that baby washing detergent - dreft

cidon - no clue on this one but sounds like something out of Star Wars

dhobi - Indian origins perhaps?

gaen - now this one reminds me of Ireland

outvies - reminds me of an outhouse

guiro - a new word for a coin?

ducat - instead of the cat or da cat it is du cat

spait - reminds me of those ugly shoe covers we had to wear on our shoes in band in the 1960's

zax - a really high counting word if placed properly and yep they placed it to get 100 points! I will remember this one!

casefies - are these like flies that come in cases?

Combining Families for Holidays

Ironically this sign is seen at a lot of weddings now. But in reality, does it really happen? I say no.

From the first time my daughter got engaged, her mother-in-law-to-be took over my Mother's Day plans with my family to a surprise engagement party for our children. She called me to tell me AFTER she had already announced and sent out invitations to her side. All of her side brought presents for the kids. My side did not. We were labeled as 'poor'. Since this mother invited more than my side had there, I took the bill and handed it to son-in-law to be's parents to pay (I figured out the bill plus tax and tip and divided it to get a per person amount then multiplied it by the number of people they had). Yep they paid. I don't think they were happy but yanno, I didn't really care.

Then came the wedding. I gave daughter a budget. The list for invites came to over 1000. So we started trimming. I refused to pay for more than 250 people. We decided to only invite people who actually knew either my daughter or my son-in-law, plus no one could bring a date unless they were engaged, and there would be no children unless they were family. The kids told their friends to buddy up and they wouldn't be allowed to bring a date unless they were engaged. Mother of SIL protested since she wanted her bible friends and neighbors (they didn't know SIL since they had moved in long after SIL moved out) so I gave her the cost to upgrade the room and what the price per person was and if she wanted to invite these people she would have to pay for it. She elected not to.

SIL's mother was pissed I put her son's flowers on him. But yanno? We couldn't start the wedding until she got there. Yep she was over 10 minutes late.

In my eyes, it has been a competition since between her family and mine. She insists on every holiday at the time she decides to get it ready. She decides she wants lunch so the kids told her lunch would be at 11:30am then so they had time to drive the hour west for our dinner at 5pm. She wouldn't even serve until 3pm which was the time she wanted to begin with. So I took lunch. It would end up I would get the kids for 2-3 hours and she would get them for 6 hours. But my time would be shared with my husband's family. I never got alone time. Christmas was easier. We do Christmas eve with husband's family. Christmas usually the 26th for my family. But now there was no time for the kids and us alone. So I was relegated to an hour before we would head to a parent's house.

This year my daughter said she was having Thanksgiving dinner at their house and she was hosting. Both immediate families would be invited but since they had more kids, and husband only has a brother and his wife and his mother on our side, these would be invited. Well, son-in-law must have told his mother because the numbers grew from SIL's mother and father, sister with her fiancee, and 2 grandchildren (SIL's sister had to work) to now include cousins, relatives, neighbors, and people from MIL's bible group. Daughter didn't stand up for herself and allowed it.

It was miserable. Granddaughter had been sick so between taking care of husband's mother and running after granddaughter and helping daughter in the kitchen, I was run ragged as was daughter. People were to sign up for different things and state what they were bringing so daughter had an idea of what was coming. Well, people didn't bring what they said so we ended up with 3 different stuffings, my mashed potatoes, daughter's sweet potato casserole, rolls, and turkey my daughter and SIL provided. No vegetable. No salad. Husband's brother brought a homemade apple pie, I brought a homemade pumpkin pie and a homemade pecan pie along with real whipped cream. The others brought cookies bought from stores, cupcakes that would feed 4, and my SIL's mother? She brought a french silk pie and 2 birthday cakes for their side of the family. Ummm.....this was Thanksgiving not birthday party for your side of the family.

Guess who cleaned up? Yep daughter and I. Not one person (there were 30 of SIL's mother's people) of their side helped at all. They didn't even clean up their own plates.

Guess what I am taking back? Yep my own Thanksgiving. SIL's parents have decided they will not work with me so I refuse to work with them anymore. I don't care. I am not their maid.