I bring this up because I am still trying to understand how I lost a friendship. So instead of living in the present, I am living in the past trying to figure out what happened. I came to the realization that one of the reasons I was having such a hard time with it was because we were in 2 different places. I am living in the present. She is living in the past. When that past changed in June, our friendship changed.
When one lives in the past, one might have stress, health issues, chronic pain, high blood pressure, depression, and a myriad of other things that can arise. People who live in the past hears negative criticism and feels threatened and becomes defensive. Focusing on the past allows your mind to respond automatically instead of thoughtfully. You will lash out in anger, back down in fear. You feel so totally stressed and overwhelmed that you become so focused on that response and feel the only way to get rid of it is to focus more on it.
In this case, her mind was focused on what was happening. The final office of her deceased husband's was sold and she no longer had any control over it. She was going through the pain of the loss but instead of realizing what she was doing, she lashed out in anger and became highly anxious. But by avoiding the negative feelings and situations that could not be avoided, she didn't realize it only magnified the pain. Her mantra became: "I am so stressed."
As a friend, I reacted by trying to reduce her stress for her. But that just made things worse. Even as a friend, I could not take away her pain which was the real reason for her stress. No one can but your own self. She had to accept that certain things were beyond her control.
So why was I the recipient of all her anger? Because I was still a doctor's wife. I still had everything and I was taking her last office. She didn't recognize that we were doing her a favor. We bought the other office based on sentiment and affection for her deceased husband who was our friend. She in turn, misled us on the not only the value of the practice but the value of the equipment. After 4 months of her feeling this, she had become destructive to the office and actually sabotaged the practice.
But one will never move forward if you are continually driving in reverse aka if you are constantly looking back on your life you will never move forward. Living in your past can be unhealthy. It can hurt others around you and yourself. There comes a time in our lives we all just need to move on.
"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
We must acknowledge the past because it has played an important role in shaping who we have become today. Anything that we have any degree of certainty about has occurred in the past. We know what happened, who was there, how events transpired, and how problems and issues were eventually resolved. We exist in the present, but we are never quite sure of how the present will change from moment to moment, and the future is always highly uncertain. Therefore, it often becomes tempting to live in the past because, unlike the present and future, it is not unknown.
In order to live in the present, the way in which we live in the past is of vital importance. For example, the inability to let go of the guilt, shame, and pain that may have dominated the past is not emotionally healthy, and does not contribute anything positive to the present. However, when we learn from the mistakes of the past, and bring those lessons with us into the present, then even a negative past can serve us in a positive manner. Interestingly, it is also rather unhealthy to spend too much time dwelling on the past in a nostalgic manner. We may not be feeling any negative feelings about ourselves when we yearn for the past in this way, but it still prevents us from living fully in the present moment. It is far better to strike a balance between being mentally present for life as it continues to unfold while, at the same time, allowing ourselves to occasionally think back fondly on the favorable memories of the past.
The fact of the matter is that the past is gone. Good, or bad; it is incapable of returning, and cannot be changed in any way, shape, or form. Living in the past allows for the possibility that we will miss the abundant gifts and precious moments of the present. We do ourselves a far greater service when we accept the past as a series of positive and negative learning experiences which, when viewed with the proper attitude, will always result in our continual growth.
"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.".
~L. Thomas Holdcroft
Obviously I was still upset about the loss of the friendship. Delving into this article for Inspirational Sunday, I came to the realization that I have moved on. Our future is up to her. I am living in the present.
