It has come to my attention that there is a certain male-specific deficit as related to a very specific household task (note that my male specimens are actually quite adept at some household chores and these are very very appreciated. Very appreciated). I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s the genes contained in that extra arm of the X chromosome that breaks off to become a Y in the male species that causes this deficit. Both of the male specimens in my house have this deficit.
Taking out the garbage is undoubtedly the greatest threat to the harmony of any household. Especially with those male specimens who have problems with when or how frequently this should be done.
I am sure there are others in this same dilemma so I have complied some simple easy to follow instructions:
Before we start, you have to IDENTIFY and RECOGNIZE and SEE the problem. Don't wait to be reminded or nagged. Therefore if you try to put some garbage into the garbage can and it falls right out because the trash is already piled higher than the rim, do not see how high it can go. Do not ignore the garbage that is now lying on the floor. Also, this house is not a basketball court. There are no baskets here for you to try to toss your garbage into. There is no other person who is going after your missed shot. If the garbage can is filled all the way past the top, you may not throw your garbage on the counter or floor or sink instead. This should be an indication to you to take it out. Do not ever say to the female chromosome person any of the following: "I don't even use that garbage can." "It's not my turn." "I didn't see it." Instead you should be kissing the butt of the female chromosome person and saying: "Why yes, my beautiful wife/mother, I will joyfully empty the garbage can." or "My beautiful wife/mother, I took it upon myself to change the garbage when I noticed it was on the full side. Is there anything else I can do to help you to make your life easier?" Oh and if you put something really stinky in the garbage, like old food or your garlicy spicy take out dinner, please tie up the bag immediately and take it outside — even if the bag is not filled to its breaking point yet.
Okay let's get started with the instructions:
1. In order to take out your garbage, one must locate one's garbage. There is a saying: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." For the purposes of this analysis, we assume that trash is easily identifiable and stored in a centralized location in the primary living quarters. Trash that is widely distributed or not contained in a standardized refuse vessel is not considered in this list.
2. Verify garbage eligibility - in general, garbage should fill or nearly fill the primary garbage container before taking out the trash is a viable alternative. Special conditions such as excessively smelly trash or an imminent vacation should also be taken into consideration.
3. Verify that taking out the trash is a viable option - A crushing-down process could reduce the volume of garbage to the extent that taking out might be put off for a few days but that option is not allowed in this house.
4. Remove the garbage bag from the inner rigid container and seal it by tying the two red ends together tightly in a double knot. One can use their Boy Scout knotting abilities to accomplish this.
5. Transfer the garbage bag to the garage-based vessel located in the garage - the big green can with the words GARBAGE CONTAINER on its side. It is very easy to locate as it does not hide under anything. Even the chromosome deficient can easily locate it. Note this does not mean placing the plastic garbage bag next to the green container. You actually have to use your chromosome deficient arms to heft the garbage bag into the inside of the green garbage container. Please note the green garbage container has a lid. I understand this hampers you but deal with it and lift it up before placing the bag into the container and remember to close it after. Please believe me that placing this garbage bag into the container will not affect the garbage that is already in there - they will become friends.
6. Come back into the house and replace the white garbage bag in the inner rigid container and place the rigid container back into the outside silver rigid container.
7. Repeat all steps as necessary. This might mean this has to be done on a daily basis. Get used to it and stop whining.
AND NEVER EVER EVER SAY TO ME THAT IS NOT MY JOB!
