Caretaker Grief

It has been almost 4 months since my mother passed away. I usually talk to my father at least twice a week and one of the subjects he has always been able to talk to me about is his grief - caretaker grief, survivor grief, grief that he should have called 911 earlier than starting CPR, etc. I don't know if the reason he is more comfortable talking to me is that I was a hospice nurse or that I am more open to talking to him without judgement. I don't really care what the reason - I am just happy he has me and is comfortable to talk to me about what he is feeling.

My parents had been married for 57 years and while not all of them were nice and sweet, they were a normal dysfunctional couple. My mother had been sick for a few years prior to her death and my father had become her caretaker. I recognized the fact that she was a lot sicker than she let on to any of us but I don't think she allowed any other of my siblings to see that. To my father and I, her death was fast, a blessing, and an end to her suffering. To the rest of the family, I think their grief is mired in the guilt that they didn't see her that often or even call her once a week as I had done.

But each of us has our own grief and unresolved conflicts to deal with when someone close to us passes. Luckily my mother, father, and I resolved a lot of our differences a long time ago. My father is dealing with caretaker guilt - his whole day consisted of caring for my mother. He doesn't quite know how to fill that time yet but he is slowly coming to peace with that and getting out more and more and doing things he has wanted to do for a while but couldn't.

But I also recognize his grief is different than mine. She was his spouse. I was her daughter and had left home at 18. He took care of her even when she tried to fight him as he knew that was the disease and not really her. I am thankful he has me to talk to, and his faith to carry him on. Just the other day he mentioned he had been talking to someone he hasn't seen in over 59 years. For that I am thankful - he needs to talk about what he is feeling and thinking with someone close to his age and who has also been a caretaker and lost her spouse. Groups for grief are good. Thankfully he has started going.