Tomorrow is supposed to be my 31st wedding anniversary. Husband has golf in the am, office hours in the pm, then a dinner meeting at night. Some anniversary but typical of the type of day we have been having for over 3 months now. Why do I feel then that I am not the most important thing? Is it because of all the chaos from last week? I don't know. He can't not go to his weekly golf nor can he not see the patients for the afternoon and he has to go to the dinner meeting as it is mandatory.
Every other year we have taken turns planning our weekend away for our anniversary. Last year I did the planning. This year it was hubs turn. Who ended up doing it? Me. So this weekend we are supposed to be going away to celebrate said anniversary. Why do I not want to go? Maybe it's knowing that I will be spending money I don't have. And maybe it is still the leftover crap from last week.
All I do know is that I still do not want to talk to anyone and I still have not processed anything. I still feel chaotic and exhausted. I don't feel I have to defend my decisions I made as an office manager. I just want others to trust me and trust that I do know what I am doing and there is a reason I did what I did.
And right now, I just want to be left alone. In peace. In solitude. At least until I can recover. I just want to sleep and bury my head and not handle anything else, especially the total miscommunication from last week. I am burnt out but have to keep going. But I can't. I have taxes to do. I have things to do. I have a newsletter to write. I have laundry to do again. I have to take inlaws to doctors all day Thursday. So I keep plodding away but playing my music which has always soothed me.
I keep going. I am afraid of what will happen if I stop. Just bear with me until I can handle what was thrown at me. I need to find my silence within first.
