Love and respect are the main foundations of any marriage. We all know and recognize that. If there is an imbalance with either of those, the marriage falters.
Now let's throw in working with your spouse into the equation.
Now let's add in another office into the mix in which you and your spouse were already working over 40 hours per week with 3 offices and increase that to working 6 days a week with 12-14 hour days plus an office that has no cash flow yet and you are spending over $4000.00 per month extra supporting said office and dipping into your dwindling savings to do it.
Now let's add in losing a car in a flood and needing to purchase another one and dipping into that dwindling savings to do it.
Now let's add the death of your mother a mere 4 months ago that no matter the amount of time, you are still not over the emotional impact yet.
Now let's add 6 right ankle surgeries with the last one done in May and I am just starting to walk but still with a lot of pain plus a left knee surgery mid-July for a torn meniscus and doing more walking on it than it should at this point and having your knee and ankle swell to the point it is double its size let alone the pain that accompanies said swelling.
Now let's add a phone call from your father-in-law's caretaker that your father-in-law is passing out (same thing that happened not 4 months ago with your own mother). Now let's add said father-in-law with severe dementia into the equation with a mother-in-law's health condition of 4 strokes and diminished capacity and seeing an inability to walk more than 100 feet without losing her breath and having leg cramps. Then add their doctor who improperly discharged them both from her care and I have to admit father-in-law to the hospital with the doctor on staff not ever knowing they had been discharged from their primary doctor's practice and were never sent a letter and I have to start all over with a new doctor.
Now let's add needing to be with father-in-law and mother-in-law almost 10 hours a day (remember the dementia factor - he repeats the questions every 1-2 minutes) along with not having a car with air conditioning to drive the hour out to the hospital and I hot flash the entire way.
Now let's add shopping for another car in the one hour you have left before the car dealership ends at the end of this day and this has to be done before you are even allowed to have your only meal of the day because you have been too busy doing the repeat questions and caring for both inlaws.
Now let's add trying to get your weekly laundry done with absolutely no towels clean in the house so you are doing 1-2 loads per night and paying a few bills that needed to be paid.
Now let's add being able to sleep no more than 4 hours a night.
So last week I was handling the extra physical and mental load every day. Now it is Wednesday morning when I got to even look at the box of charts and bills from the office that was sent home the day before. Then find one of the bills was $600 over what they had told you they were spending so you know you are now short in your account and have to transfer more money over to cover the bills you wrote the day before. Yes, I might have been a bit abrupt with my employee about the extra money spent without authorization but when she offered to have her paycheck held until cash flow was better, I told her no, she would be paid. I then got a phone call from the hospital with the doctor wanting me out there pronto. So instead of having time to sort through charts for another employee to do, I left immediately for the hospital, cancelling my own doctor's appointment for that afternoon knowing I probably would not get my medications by Monday refilled.
So on Wednesday, I spend 10 hours driving to the hospital, discharging father-in-law, getting him settled back into his dementia home, then picking up things my mother-in-law needed, then getting her back to her home. I came home and totally and completely collapsed. I was emotionally and physically drained. But, instead of finding a supportive husband (after all these are his parents), I found an irate angry husband who lambasted me over what I had NOT done for the office and this was according to our employees. I blew up and just went to bed. I couldn't deal with anything.
Thursday brought me arranging the car we had put a deposit on Tuesday evening to be inspected by our mechanic which ran me late for the office. I called to make sure there were 2 employees there or that the one employee could handle it and explained I would be there as soon as possible. After spending 6 hours running around between the mechanic and the car dealership, we finally had a car. I dropped off our spare car back to the mechanic to fix an oil light that wouldn't shut off knowing I might have to hold off doing any repairs because of cash flow. I went home and got the box of charts that needed to be done and went to the office. Instead of finding employees working, they were leaving. It seems that the last 2 patients had cancelled. So instead of getting work done, everyone went home. No, I had not been told there was a change in schedule. So I went home and called and arranged different dates with brother-in-law that would be okay for him to be with my husband and myself to take father-in-law into the doctor to discuss a DNR. Then I started working on seeing exactly how much this new 4th office actually owed me. Husband was still harping on me what things I had not done supposedly told to him by our employees.
Friday brought me going to my own doctor appointment not once but 3 different times (it seems 9 months ago was a very busy time and my appointment was postponed for him to deliver a baby twice). Note this involved a 30 minute drive one way to the only office I could go to since I had to have my own medicine renewed by Monday. So I made that 30 minute drive 6 times. I finally got to see the doctor and at least that was over for another year. I then started calling doctors and coordinating schedules for father-in-law and mother-in-law's appointments to be done within a week (did I mention that 3 of mother-in-law's medications were rescinded from their former primary care doctor so now I needed to get her in to see someone new within the week too?). Husband was still harping on what I had not done and now how employees were threatening to quit. I could not cope with anything anyone was saying. My brain was not working. So I took a pain pill and went to bed. Coping was not in my vocabulary yet. Would it have been in yours?
So what went wrong? I have been wracking my brain with what happened this past week. I know I am not alone in having life hit you from all sides. Was I coping? I thought I had been to the best of what I could do. But I was a caretaker this week. The general problem with caregivers is that we have other obligations too apart from taking care of our loved ones. So it is very important for caregivers, the family of caregivers and even the one being cared for to open their eyes and be aware of a caregiver burnout. It is equally important for the caregiver to take care of himself if he/she so badly wants to take care of his/her loved ones. That I didn't do. My thoughts were totally wrapped into the emotional and physical pain of possibly losing my father-in-law so close to losing my mother and seeing the health of my mother-in-law deteriorating and being in physical pain. I thought I was coping with home life by making sure the car was purchased and laundry was done.
It wasn't until today and after 2 nights of sleeping 12 hours that I was able to process what happened. While I did not cope or handle everything that was thrown at me, I also didn't have any support from my employees who instead of waiting or asking what they could do for me to help, lashed out at my husband who in turn instead of explaining I didn't have time to send them things, told them something that was no longer being done (he had forgotten), so they in turn are now angry at me, and husband came home lashing out at me for all these supposed sins I had committed.
And most important, instead of my husband recognizing how burnt out I was emotionally and physically, he lashed out every night at me for sins I had not committed unless you call not having time to do things a sin. I don't happen to.
The lesson then I have learned this week is that the load I am carrying is way too much to handle. The other most important lesson was communication. There was a total breakdown of that between me, my husband, and my employees. Everyone blamed me for what I still don't understand. I reacted to what I was told. Honestly though I don't know if I would have handled it any different in the same situation. That is my burden and what I have to work on. And I will with the help of God. He will show me the way. I am handing it over to him as I don't have an answer except to quit working for my husband. Obviously according to him and my employees I am a bitch and not doing my job.
In the beginning I posted this: Love and respect are the main foundations of any marriage. If there is an imbalance with either of those, the marriage falters. Right now after the events of this last week, our marriage is faltering. I don't have an answer for that either. Hopefully with the help of God and communication, it will fall back into place but it won't happen overnight. Too many things were said. But right now, the most important we are doing is never allowing work and others to separate us.
All I do know is that I have made it this far. I need to keep going. God will help me see the sun rise on a beautiful new day and help me find my inner peace again. I just need to be patient to learn the lesson He is trying to teach me this past week.
