Bad Patients

Who are bad patients? Those of us in the medical field will point them out immediately. They are:

1. The know-it-alls who come in all diagnosed via the Internet or by some relative or neighbor who had close to the same thing.

2. Men - 'nuf said.

3. Any medical personnel - Because they think they would do a better job, as they know their symptoms better than the doctor that is treating them, and they become a sort of "back seat driver."

4. The demanding ones who want a specific appointment time and don't call until that day and then get angry that 'their time' isn't open.

5. The ones who hear only what they want to hear then complain we didn't tell them something.

6. The ones who think we overcharge and therefore are not entitled to their deductible or co-insurance even after their cheap insurance knocks off 3/4 of their bill and I have to accept that and have not gotten a dime yet off them.

7. I am sure I can come up with many many more but those were just today's.



Now who makes the worst patient? In my opinion, my husband who also happens to be a doctor. Why you ask?

Let me begin.

Wait - how much time do you have? I am hoping there isn't a word count on here. I will try to keep it brief.

1. Me: He's demanding and never lets me sit down. Just as soon as I have sat down is when he will deliberately ask me for something.

His reply: We're not used to being. We're used to doing. Our minds are not as organized as yours.

Me: His idea of placation. It didn't work but I did get what he wanted with the stipulation that if anything else was needed it would wait 30 minutes before being gotten.

2. Me: He won't follow the doctor's instructions.

His reply: I am usually the one telling others what to do therefore I already know what to do and nothing you say means diddly squat.

Me: I got to say I told you so when he has had to call the doctor not once but twice because he did something he shouldn't have.

3. Me: You need to move around.

His reply: My Inactivity forces me into the existential exercise of confronting who I really am. You don't want to do that when you're well. By the way, these are good drugs.

Me: Bullshit. Move.

4. Me: How many pain medications did you take vs how many were you supposed to take at a time?

His reply: I think I took 3-4. I dunno, I didn't read the instructions. But I feel good.

Me: I took the bottle away from him. He has to ask me for them now although I will admit he was a whole lot mellower doing it his way.

5. Me: What would you like to eat - jello or broth?

His reply: A thick juicy steak with a Manhattan on the side.

Me: Try again.

Him: Well, I farted so I can have food now.

Me: No you can't. You just get to elevate from clear liquids to full liquids or in other words you may now have cream soups and pudding. So what do you want?

Him: Potato soup - homemade.

Me: Made the potato soup for him. Took me an hour. Served it to him.

Him: I don't feel like this anymore. I want pudding.

Me: I made banana. I will get you some.

Him: I don't feel like banana. What other flavors did you get?

Me: He got the other pudding flavors all right. He got the boxes and I set the bowl and the mixer out for him and put the milk in the bowl. I said choose and make it yourself. You haven't moved in the past 2 hours anyway.

6. Me: Do you really have to get up again? You just got up an hour ago. You are not an infant. I am too old for this. I need sleep. This is night time. You know - the time we are to sleep.

Him: I am not comfortable and I am not sleepy.

Me: Well, I am. So lay the f down before I strap you down.

Him: You are crabby.

Me: I am tired. Now shut up and go back to sleep. The next nite: he got a crushed Ambien in his food. I got 4 hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep. It was heaven. There is a reason why women my age don't have children. We would kill them.

7. Him: I didn't get any rest times today at work.

Me: Well, I scheduled them. However, during your first hour break you decided to call your friends and chat. During your 2nd hour break you decided at that moment, all the calendars in the office had to changed that instant. During your 3rd hour break, you decided to check the supply list we were making and give your input, searching the books for the best prices. During your 4th and final break, you decided to spend the entire hour bitching you were exhausted to whoever would listen to you. Just to let you know though - you talked to yourself.


Take my word for it: A sick husband is to be avoided at all costs. His main objective is to have you holding his hand, awaiting his beck and call, ready to serve his every whim. DO NOT, under any circumstances, give him a bell or any similar instrument so he can summon you. He will take advantage of the situation, and you'll be sorry. If they keep complaining, ship them back to their mothers. They created them - they can take care of them.