Most of my friends and those who have seen me in person, know that I wear an angel pin on my shoulder. I don't know that you actually know the history of that pin.
The pin was given to me by someone that I met at my first cancer meeting almost 10 years ago. We just clicked as friends right off the bat. One day at one of the meetings and I was down, she presented me with an angel pin. It was to remind me that we are still part of the living and every time I felt down or a wee bit off, all I had to do was touch the pin and know that someone out there was thinking of me and taking care of me. My special friend lost her battle with cancer quite a few years ago. I had survivor's guilt for a while but would touch my angel and immediately feel comforted. The pin is always on me - sometimes pinned on my bra but it is always worn.
In the same way I have always just known to do something or say something, I knew that a prescription I had been given 3 years ago for a breast MRI needed to be done and now. I had it done December 31st and I got my results December 31st. I have a suspicious 3x3cm area with an uptake of the dye in the dead center of the lump. It is highly suggestive of cancer and a biopsy is recommended. Mine is scheduled for this Friday.
I have always been a fanatic about breast self exams but not a fan of mammograms. I am a very large breasted woman and frankly they hurt like h*e*double hockey stick. I have a dropped lymph node in my one breast so they always end up taking more than the normal views just to get this node in the picture (it's difficult since it is in the armpit area). I have fibrocystic disease on top of it so I would end up bruised and unable to move my arm for a few weeks. Nope - not a fan of mammograms. Every time I had a mammogram I would also end up having a breast ultrasound so a few years ago I waited for technology to catch up and got the prescription for the breast MRI.
People ask me if I am scared. I guess I already know what the results are going to be and since I have been through cancer and have survived once, I know the ropes. I am not afraid. One thing I learned: Once you know how to die, you know how to live. There are no finer words out there.
Now don't get me wrong - I still stop myself every once in a while and ask myself why I feel so sure this is breast cancer and that my decision would be a bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction. I think I am more comfortable knowing (like my aunt) that the cancer is gone and I can get back to living. I also hate having surgery. I would also refuse chemo and radiation. I keep checking though to make sure I am really reacting normally to this but again, I find myself calm and at peace.
Want to know what one of my biggest concerns was? That I will have to stop taking my bio-identical natural hormones. That was actually one of my first phone calls. But no, I do not have to stop taking my hormones since I am on the bio-identicals which protect one against getting cancer. Since breast cancer is formed probably 10+ years before it actually shows up on any test, that puts me in the time of my uterine cancer and all my hormonal issues I had going on for years prior. If anything, the bio-identicals prevented this new cancer from being larger than it is.
And I intend to fight it just as I did the uterine cancer. I will survive.
