Death

I have been having a lot of dreams lately centered around my mother. She passed away this past April very unexpectedly. By the time I reached the hospital she was gone but in reality she was already gone before she even left the house in the ambulance. Logically I understand the why and how. She had been sick for a number of years and had her good days and bad days although her overall health had been deteriorating for the past year. So while we have been prepared for something to happen, the suddenness of it caught us all unaware.

Emotionally understanding and accepting is quite another story. Everything we are goes back to our parents. And so when even one of our parents die, a large part of our lives as their child dies too. A line gets crossed over and we become the adults, and we know then that our childhood is behind us. It's funny because I had thought that occurred when I left home at 18 and when I married at 25 but it wasn't until my mother died, that I realized I was no longer a child.

A mother is often the most important woman in our life. Who she is has a direct impact on who we are and who we will become. Losing your mother, no matter her age, is devastating. While so many people react to the news of an elderly mother's passing with remarks about how "she lived a full life", that does nothing to save one from the fullness of the grief we feel after losing her. The role that our mother plays in everything we are, cannot be filled by anyone else.

This is even more true with family dynamics of those left. Every large family has its internal conflicts and problems and mine was no different. Every family has a black sheep and I was designated that person. In college, I attended professional counseling sessions to try and understand and have some sort of relationship with my family. I learned to forgive which I did learn how to do, but forgiving is not forgetting - what happened is forever ingrained into who I am and how I react in certain situations and for that I will never apologize to anyone. I own my own feelings and no one can take those away from me ever again. I am who I am because of them.

After a parent dies, you are plunged into the sharp, painful nostalgia that accompanies the recollections of childhood - everything your mother or father represented in terms of security, familiarity, and protection is gone. You are now forced to cope with the loss of parental love and attention that was given, uniquely, to you, and that you depended on, possibly even took for granted. To one degree or another, you grapple with the realization that no one knows you in the exact same way, and in my case, the way my mother did. She was the glue that held our family together. She was the one who ran interference between family members and myself. Guess I have to do it on my own now but I know she is right there guiding me.

I realize my grief is unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way. Your particular experience will be influenced by the type of relationship you had with your parent, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background. As a result, you will grieve in your own way and in your own time. Don't try to compare your experience with that of other people. It has been just a short 2 months and there is not an hour that goes by that I do not think about my mother at least once. As for my siblings, the death of my mother has affected them differently than it is affecting me. After all, each of them had a unique relationship with my mother, so each has the right to mourn the loss in his or her own way.

The biggest thing that has surprised me though, was just the emotional and physical inability to cope sometimes with anything. I am a nurse. I worked hospice. I have dealt with death and dying for over 40 years. Of anyone, I should know how people felt after but in reality, I had no idea. I had never realized how debilitating it really is. In the beginning, I was physically drained every day. My ability to think clearly and make decisions was impaired. My energy level was low and my physical limitations and pain slowed me down. A few days after the funeral, I started listening to my body and decided that I had to remove myself, return home, nurture and deal with my own grief.

Communications with my family have broken down. I still talk to my father at least a few times a week. I have not been able to return to their home yet. As for the rest of my family? I have only talked to 2 of my siblings. The others berated me so much in my other blog that I really have no wish to ever see them again. Since my mother died, I had surgery again on my right ankle. Not one of my other 3 siblings have even attempted to contact me except that one email. But interestingly enough, they still go to my old blog even though there are no posts left. How do I know? I kept the counter on the blog that tells me.

So why have I been dreaming of my mother lately? I have no idea but I know that one day the reason will appear.

To all of you out there who know me, and I acted like I didn't understand your pain when you lost your parent, I am sorry. I really didn't. It wasn't until I lost my mother that I am beginning to understand. I still can't believe she is gone. I know she lives in my heart but all I want to do is talk to her one more time, hug her one more time, and tell her one more time that I love her.

Anyone else out there dreading a family reunion after a significant member of the family dies?

And mom - I love you and miss you!